


Off Court

by levvan



Category: Homestuck
Genre: Alternate Universe - Human/Troll Society (Homestuck), Alternate Universe - No Sburb Session, Child Abuse, Coming Out, F/F, Family Bonding, Gen, Homophobia, Hospitals, Legal Shenanigans, M/M, Mutual Pining, Pale Romance | Moirallegiance, Pesterlog(s) (Homestuck), Polyamory Negotiations, Quadrant Confusion, Xenophobia
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-08-23
Updated: 2018-03-11
Packaged: 2018-12-17 13:07:29
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 17
Words: 43,359
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11852217
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/levvan/pseuds/levvan
Summary: Your name is Dave Strider, and a hospital wasn’t the setting you had imagined when you thought of seeing your twin again.Your name is Karkat Vantas, and having Terezi drag you around her weird human legislacerator training probably wasn’t the worst way you could spend the rest of your sweeps.And then you meethim.[on indefinite hiatus]





	1. Prologue: Dave Strider

Your name is Dave Strider, and walking in on Bro filming- no, livestreaming, a puppet porno was not how you wanted to start your day.

Unfortunately, it is how this one started. The sight of him mashing puppets in places you never wanted to see is now burned into your mind, and you abscond the fuck out.

turntechGodhead [TG] began pestering tentacleTherapist [TT] 

TG: distract me with something

TG: send me johns shitty con air memes i dont care

TT: You must be quite desperate if you’re asking for John’s shitty Con Air memes.

TT: Even so, my obligation to the propagation of his memes remains.

tentacleTherapist [TT] sent an [image](https://img.memecdn.com/con-air-the-way-it-should-have-looked_fb_1584855.jpg)!

TG: rose i cant get the images out of my head

TG: the fucking puppets

TT: Did our father order another batch of plush phallus?

TG: no

TG: i walked in on a live porno playing out in my living room

TG: rose it was worse than being bombarded by plush ass and puppet dong because he stuffed them all in the shower

TT: That does sound quite disturbing.

TT: Would you like me to send Roxy’s attempt to describe your ‘sick beats’?

TG: fuck yes

TG: also fuck you my beats are the illest

tentacleTherapist [TT]  sent a video!

TG: oh my god roxy

TG: holy shit

TG: tell rox i love her

TT: Of course.

TT: Dave.

Rose’s typing notification blinks out, then begins again.

TT: While I’ve never met our father, I can tell that he’s not a good guardian. I’m not asking you to make a decision right now, and I know our mother is not the best either, but would you at least consider coming to live with us?

TG: woah

TG: rose thats a big thing

TG: i mean you live halfway across the country

TG: new york man

TG: the big apple

TG: and not the aj kind

TT: Dave, I’m not asking you to decide right now.

TT: Just know that it is an option if you ever want it.

TG: ok

TG: im just not sure leaving bro is a very good idea

TG: i mean the dude is weird as fuck

TG: but hes also kinda my family

TG: i mean id love to live with you

TG: youre my goddamn twin id of course i want to meet you properly

TG: and at an age where wed both remember it

TG: shitty video calls probably dont do you and rox justice

TG: but how would i even get to new york anyways

TG: its not like i can just fly there i aint got wings

TG: you know what i could do

TG: could just go hop on some sweet dick for cash

TG: lasso myself some sick cock for a plane to ny

TG: guys like what the hell i knew you were texan but this is a literal rope around my balls

TT: You are aware that you're underaged?

TG: age of consent is 17 in this fine southern state

TG: which is pretty damn close to this cool motherfuckers age

TG: although prostitution probably aint the best way to escape bros puppet ass rage

TG: probably could grab my fine self a choice flesh pistol though

TT: And here I thought ‘finding that one dude attractive was a one time thing rose im not gay’.

TG: wow

TG: i told you

TG: not finding that guy attractive was like looking in a mirror and thinkin that my chillass sweet self was ugly

TG: not possible

TG: and its not like im actually about to wrangle somebodys meat truncheon

TG: rose you should know me and my dick habits better

TT: Dave. Calm your incredibly metaphorical tits.

TG: ouch

TG: how do you know theyre metaphorical

TG: youve never seen them

TG: i could have bitchin pecs under my shirt and youd never know

TT: In that case, calm your ‘bitchin’ pecs’.

TT: As I said before, it’s not something you have to decide now.

TT: Just know that our door is always open to you.

TG: oh

TG: uh

TG: wow

TG: rose

TT: Could it be?

TT: Dave Strider is expressing a feeling?

TG: no

TG: rose you should know better

TG: dave strider doesnt have feelings

TG: only irony and sweet aj

TT: Ah. Yes, of course. It was simply an overload of apple juice in your neural pathways.

TT: And here I thought my therapist senses were tingling.

TT: Perhaps next time.

TG: i think hes done

TG: yeah hes in his room now

TG: imma go grab something to eat

TG: assuming there is something beside shitty swords in the kitchen

TG: brb sis

TT: Are the swords still exclusively in the fridge, or have they migrated to other areas of the kitchen?

TG: nah

TG: still in the fridge

TG: theyve just always been there

TG: like some sort of non sentient coldass steel cryptid

TG: they fall out and nearly take your toes off

TG: half an hour later theyre back in their chillass prison and you havent touched em

TG: i blame cal and his freaky ass voodoos

TT: Father still has that thing?

TG: yea

TG: its fuckin creepy and i swear it moves on its own

TG: FUCk

TT: Dave?

TG: its in my fuckin room again

TG: dont fucking puppets understand personal space

TG: hes just like some sweet suburban familys creepy ass neighbor

TG: shows up when you don’t expect

TG: ideally hed stay in his fucking house

TG: walls all painted a shade just above puke green brown to reflect his shitty personality

TG: but he shows up at all your fuckin family events uninvited

TG: are those even a thing

TG: i wouldnt know

TT: They are, as a matter of fact. Although they are probably not anywhere near as pleasant as you are imagining.

TT: Mother insists on them for every major holiday.

TT: And while seeing Roxy and occasionally Dirk is lovely, I really could do without the passive-aggressive theatrics she puts on.

You grin ever so slightly. You fucking love this girl, even (and especially) when she goes on Strider Brand™ rants that you are one-hundred-percent sure you caused.

TT: It’s ridiculous. She constantly tried to show me off and simultaneously one up me when our relatives are around.

TT: She even tells stories about her stupid fucking wizard statues.

TT: And I know she hates the things.

TT: I really wish you could come to at least one.

TT: I know you have technically have been, but neither of us remember it, and i really do think it would be better with you there.

TG: aw rose

_Thunk._

  
You flinch.

  
_No no no no no. No. No no no._

  
You stand.

  
_No absolutely not I refuse._

  
You grab your sword from its place on the wall.

  
_No stop don't do it no._

TG: shit

TG: brb

You open the door.

TT: Dave?

TT: It's been two hours. Are you alright?

turntechGodhead is an idle chum!

TT: Please respond when you get these messages.

timeausTestified [TT] began pestering turntechGodhead [TG]

TT: Dave?

turntechGodhead [TG] is an idle chum!

TT: Rose said you've been idle for a good three hours after texting brb.

TT: Please respond to at least one of us.

timaeusTestified [TT] ceased pestering turntechGodhead [TG]

tipsyGnostalgic [TG] began pestering turntechGodhead [TG]

TG: davey?

turntechGodhead [TG] is an idle chum!

TG: dirk n rose said you haven't answered any msgs for a handful of hours

TG: r u ok?

TG: dave im rlly worried

TG: so r rosie and dirk

TG: pls txt back

tipsyGnostalgic [TG}  ceased pestering turntechGodhead [TG]

ectoBiologist [EB] began pestering turntechGodhead [TG]

EB: dave???

turntechGodhead [TG] is an idle chum!

EB: rose said you texted her brb yesterday and you didn't text back.

EB: are you okay?

EB: dave?

EB: she seemed really worried.

EB: you should at least respond to her soon.

ectoBiologist [EB] ceased pestering turntechGodhead [TG]

gardenGnostic [GG] began pestering turntechGodhead [TG]

GG: dave???

turntechGodhead [TG] is an idle chum!

GG: if this is one of your ‘cool’ antics its not funny!!!

GG: rose is really worried and so am i

GG: please respond soon

gardenGnostic [GG] ceased pestering turntechGodhead [TG]

timaeusTestified [TT]  began pestering turntechGodhead [TG]

TT: Dave. It’s been 36 hours since your last contact.

turntechGodhead [TG] is an idle chum!

TT: Goddamnit, Dave.

TT: If you don’t respond to one of us within the next six hours, I am driving to Texas to find your ass.

timaeusTestified [TT] ceased pestering  turntechGodhead [TG]

You blink your eyes open and the world _swims._

“Holy fuck.”

Your vision sharpens to reveal a white room filled to the brim with the stench of window cleaner. It’s not yours. Adrenaline rushed through your system, propelling you up and no, _no, no._ Not out of the bed. Something behind you is beeping insistently. You don’t know what it is. All you can register is the thought of: _where the fuck am I Bro is going to kill me._

 

* * *

 

turntechGodhead [TG] opened memo on board I WARNED YOU ABOUT THE STAIRS BRO!

tentacleTherapist [TT] responded to memo!

TT: Dave.

TT: What the fuck.

TG: sorry

TG: i promise i have a good explanation

tipsyGnostalgic [TG] responded to memo!

TG: dave!!!

TG: holy fuck we were so worried

TG: yeah im sorry about that

TG: im in the hospital

TG: and responding wasnt really within my physical capabilties

TG: brain just went nah and decided that sleep was more important than telling my literal family that im ok

TT: You’re in a hospital?

TT: What happened?

TG: may i direct your gaze to the title of this board

TG: i was warned about the stairs bro

TG: i was told dogg

TG: davey as much as i enjoy ur humor

TG: maybe now isnt the timw?

TG: *time

TT: Dave, could we skip the antics, and head straight to the explanation?

timaeusTestified [TT] responded to memo!

TT: Oh thank fuck.

TG: i fell down a couple flights of stairs

TG: neighbor called the ambulance because i was knocked out as fuck

TG: wouldnt have woken up if obama showed up

TT: How bad is it?

TG: hold on

TG: imma ask the nurse

TG: apparently i have 3 fractured ribs a broken wrist and a concussion

TT: I’m coming to Houston.

TG: omg dave

TT: Holy fuck, Dave.

TG: holy shit

TG: bro you dont need to come here

TG: im fine

TT: Dave.

TG: ok im not fine

TG: but i dont need your help

TG: i can deal with this on my own

TT: Sure.

timaeusTestified [TT] ceased responding to memo!

TT: Dave, you shouldn’t have to deal with it by yourself.

TT: I’m going to talk to Mother about coming to Houston as well.

TG: davey i know u like to be seen as strong n stuff

TG: but we want to help u

TG: ur their brother and my cousin and we care about u

TG: shit

TG: rox

TG: sorry

ectoBiologist [EB] responded to memo!

EB: dave!

EB: you’re okay! :B

TG: yes

TG: i am the most okay dude in the history of okay dudes

TG: the most average of men

TG: hey john

EB: rose was really freaked out when you disappeared on her!

EB: hey roxy!

TT: John, I was not ‘freaked out’. I was ‘filled with righteous sisterly concern’.

EB: hi rose!

TT: Dave, Mother and I are coming to Houston ASAP.

TT: Which hospital are you in?

EB: youre in the hospital?

TG: methodist hospital emergency services

TG: yep that is my current location

gardenGnostic [GG]  responded to memo!

GG: dave!!!

GG: YOURE IN THE HOSPITAL!?

TG: you fuckin bet

GG: what happened? D:

TG: i fell down some stairs

TG: broke my wrist fractured some ribs

GG: dave! D: D: D:

EB: are you okay?

EB: well not okay but are you in pain?

TG: nah dude i cant feel shit

TG: i am filled to the brim with painkillers

TT: I am preparing to leave for Houston now.

TT: Mother will be coming with, as she is ‘very concerned for the welfare of her son'.

TT: See you soon.

tentacleTherapist [TT] ceased responding to memo!

TG: i rlly wish i could come dave

TG: but i cant rn :(

TG: its chill

TG: i gotta go

TG: nurse says so anyways

GG: hope you get better soon!

EB: bye dave!

TG: imma come down as soon as i can dont worry

TG: bye

turntechGodhead [TG] closed memo!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> my tumblr is olivetheowl if you want to talk about this fic


	2. Prologue: Karkat Vantas

Eridan Ampora needs to hop right the fuck off your pile and into his _actual fucking moirail’s._

CA: shes been puttin so much pressure on me lately

CA: all these duties that i didnt havve before

CA: i just dont see wwhy i havve to deal wwith it kar

CG: MAYBE BECAUSE YOU’RE HER *MOIRAIL* AND SHE TRUSTS YOU WITH THESE THINGS?

CG: MOTHERGRUB FORBID ERIDAN AMPORA HAVE ANYTHING EVEN RESEMBLING RESPONSIBILITY.

CG: YES, I KNOW YOU ARE VYING FOR SOLLUX’S POSITION IN HER QUADRANTS.

CG: BUT YOU ARE HER MOIRAIL AND NOT HER MATESPRIT, YOU PETULANT SACK OF FECES.

CG: STOP COMING TO ME WITH ALL YOUR FUCKING PROBLEMS.

CG: TALK TO FEFERI (YOUR ***MOIRAIL***) ABOUT THEM, AND LEAVE ME WITH THE PURE, SWEET FREEDOM OF NOT HAVING TO READ YOUR STUPID TYPING QUIRK FOR ONCE.

CA: wwoww rude

carcinoGeneticist [CG] ceased trolling caligulasAquarium [CA]

He needs to deal with his own problems _and stop coming to you with them all._ Fucking hell, Eridan.

Shit. Looks like Sollux has been trolling you. He’s been too busy doing whatever shit he’s doing with Feferi to troll you regularly, so it’s probably important.

twinArmageddons [TA] began trolling carcinoGeneticist [CG]

TA: yo KK

twinArmageddons [TA] sent a file.

TA: thii2 ii2 the 2choolfeed on human language

TA: well the one that ii2 compatiible wiiith your equiipment anyway2

TA: probably not a2 good a2 KN’2

TA: but iit 2hould work fiine

CG: YEAH, I KNOW MY SCHOOLFEED EQUIPMENT IS SHITTY.

CG: BUT IT’S WHAT I’VE GOT, OKAY?

TA: yeah ii know

TA: gotta go FF ii2 trolliing me

CG: TROLL YOU LATER.

carcinoGeneticist [CG] ceased trolling twinArmageddons [TA]

You download the files he sent, sigh, and slide into your ‘coon.

You’ll troll Terezi in the morning.

 

* * *

 

CG: I MEAN, FROM WHAT YOU’VE TOLD ME ABOUT EARTH, THINGS ARE *REALLY, COMPLETELY* DIFFERENT FROM ALTERNIA.

CG: EVEN RIDICULOUSLY SO.

GC: Y34H TH3R3 4R3 4 LOT OF W31RD TH1NGS H3R3

GC: W1GGL3RS L1V3 W1TH 4DULTS

GC: NOBODY 1S 4LLOW3D TO K1LL 4NYON3

GC: BUT ONC3 YOU G3T P4ST TH4T 1TS 4 PR3TTY N1C3 PL4C3

CG: I SUPPOSE. BUT ANYWHERE IS BETTER THAN HERE, YOU KNOW?

CG: AT LEAST FOR KANAYA AND I.

GC: YOU 4ND M1SS M1NT L34V3S

GC: WH4TS GO1NG ON TH3R3

GC: 1 H4V3 1T FROM 4N 1NCR3D1BLY R3L14BL3 SOURC3 TH4T N3P3T4 H4S B33N DR4W1NG TH3 TWO OF YOU W1TH H3R P4L3 CR4YON FOR 4GES

GC: >:?

CG: IT’S NONE OF YOUR BUSINESS, BUT I’LL LET IT SLIDE THIS TIME.

CG: MAINLY BECAUSE THE ANSWER IS LITERALLY NOTHING BESIDES GENERAL HATE-FRIENDLINESS.

GC: HUH

GC: N3P3T4 W1LL B3 D1S4PPO1NT3D

CG: AND?

CG: I REALLY DON’T UNDERSTAND WHY SHE KEEPS TRACK OF EVERYBODY’S QUADRANTS.

CG: AND HOW, SINCE SHE TRACKS THE POSSIBLE-BUT-NOT-YET-HAPPENING-OR PERHAPS-NEVER-HAPPENING ONES TOO.

CG: IT JUST SOUNDS SO TIRING. I MEAN, SOMETIMES I CAN’T EVEN KEEP TRACK OF THE QUADRANTS OF WHATEVER NOVEL I’M IN THE PROCESS OF READING, AND THERE’S A LOT FUCKING LESS IN THEM THEN WHAT WE’VE GOT GOING ON IN OUR GROUP OF HATEFRIENDS.

GC: Y34H ONC3 YOU TH1NK 4BOUT 1T W3R3 PR3TTY COMPL1C4T3D

GC: 1T W4S 4 L1TTL3 34S13R TO D34L W1TH WH3N VR1SK4 YOU 4ND MY LUSUS W3R3 TH3 ONLY P3OPL3 1 1NT3R4CT3D W1TH ON 4 R3GUL4R B4S1S

GC: 4LTHOUGH NOW 1 H4V3 MOR3 P3OPL3 WHO 4RE 4CTU4LLY 1NT3R3ST3D 1N RP1NG COURTBLOCKS W1TH M3

GC: SO 1 TH1NK 1TS PR3TTY COOL TH3 W4Y 1T 1S NOW

GC: TH3 PROS3CUT1ON NOT1C3S TH4T TH3 CONV3RS4T1ON W1TH TH3 ACCUS3D H4S V33R3D D4NG3ROUSLY OFF TOP1C

CG: THE ACCUSED IS TIRED OF YOUR COURTBLOCK ROLEPLAY.

CG: BUT I WOULD LIKE TO KNOW MORE ABOUT WHAT TO EXPECT FROM EARTH.

GC: TH3 FOOD 1S R34LLY W31RD

GC: TH3Y COOK TH31R M34T W4Y TOO MUCH BUT 4PP34R3NTLY 1F TH3Y DONT OV3RCOOK 1T TH3Y CAN G3T D1S34S3S

GC: SO MOST OF TH31R M34T 1S R34LLY DRY

CG: THAT SOUNDS KIND OF DISAPPOINTING, BUT IT IS PROBABLY NOT THE WORST OF THEIR FREAK CULINARY CREATIONS.

GC: TH3Y 4LSO H4V3 4 F4LS3 GRUBLO4F C4LL3D BR34D

GC: 1TS NOT B4D

GC: TH3R3 1S 4 LOT OF D1FF3R3NT K1NDS THOUGH

GC: TH3Y T3ND TO H4V3 4 LOT OF V4RI3TY 1N MOST OF TH31R FOODS

GC: SO 3V3NTU4LLY YOULL F1ND 4 K1ND YOU L1K3

GC: 4LSO 4LL HUM4NS H4V3 TH3 S4M3 BLOOD COLOUR

GC: TO B3 HON3ST 1 FOUND TH4T R34LLY W31RD WH3N 1 F1RST L34RN3D 4BOUT 1T

GC: BUT 1 GOT US3D TO 1T PR3TTY QU1CKLY

CG: THAT’S REALLY FUCKING WEIRD.

CG: WHAT KIND OF CASTE SYSTEM DO THEY HAVE THEN?

GC: 1TS B4S3D ON HOW M4NY C43G4RS YOU H4V3

GC: OR MON3Y 4S TH3 HUM4NS S4Y

GC: 4PP43R3NTLY TH3R3 4LSO US3D TO B3 ON3 B4S3D ON TH3 COLOUR OF TH31R SK1N

GC: MY M3NTOR S4YS TH4T 1TS OUTD4T3D 4ND TH4T TH3Y 4R3 TRY1NG TO 4BOL1SH THE L4ST R3M4N3TS OF 1T

CG: DOESN’T THEY COLOUR OF THEIR SKIN CHANGE?

CG: YOU MENTIONED SOMETHING ABOUT THAT IN REFERENCE TO THEIR SUN ONCE.

GC: Y34H 1 DONT UND3RST4ND WHY TH3YD US3 4 SYST3M B4S3D ON SOME3TH1NG TH4T C4N CH4NG3 SO 34S1LY 31TH3R

GC: BUT SOM3 HUM4NS 4R3 BORN W1TH N4TUR4LLY D4RK3R OR L1GHT3R SK1N TH4N OTH3RS

GC: SO MOST HUM4NS ST4Y W1TH1N TH3IR P3RSON4L COLOUR R4NG3

CG: HUH.

CG: AND THEY DON’T PROGRESSIVELY DARKEN AS THEY AGE?

GC: NOP3!!

GC: SOM3 OF TH3 HUM4NS TH4T 1V3 M3T W3R3 R34LLY OLD BUT TH31R SK1N W4S PR4CT1C4LLY WHITE

GC: TH3Y W3R3 4LSO V3RY WR1NKLY 4ND FR4G1L3 LOOK1NG

CG: IF THEY WERE OLD, THEN WHY WERE THEY FRAGILE LOOKING?

GC: HUM4NS G3T W34K WH3N TH3Y G3T R34LLY OLD

GC: 1M NOT SUR3 WHY

GC: 1LL ASK MY M3NTOR

GC: H3 S4YS TH4T 1TS B3CAUS3 TH3YV3 L1V3D SO LONG TH4T TH31R BOD13S ST4RT BR34KING DOWN WH1L3 TH3YR3 ST1LL 4L1V3

CG: THAT SOUNDS ABSOLUTELY HORRIFYING AND I CANNOT EXPRESS HOW GLAD I AM THAT TROLLS DO NOT DO THAT.

GC: 1T DO3S SOUND PR3TTY P41NFUL

GC: TH3 ON3S 1 M3T MOV3D P3RF3CT3DLY 1F 4 L1TTL3 SLOWLY

GC: M4YB3 TH3YV3 3VOLV3D TO B3 4BL3 TO TOL3R4TE TH4T K1ND OF P41N

CG: I GUESS THAT’D MAKE SENSE.

CG: BUT WOULDN’T THAT BE LIKE TROLLS EVOLVING TO NOT FEEL LIKE COMPLETE AND UTTER SHIT AFTER MOLTING?

GC: Y34H TH4T M4K3S SOM3 S3NS3 1 GU3SS

GC: H3 4LSO S4YS TH4T S1NC3 MOST HUM4NS DONT GO TO W4R 4ND S1NC3 K1LL1NG 1S 1LL3G4L 4 LOT OF HUM4NS JUST L1V3 UNT1L TH31R BOD13S PHYS1C4LLY C4NNOT CONT1NU3

GC: SOM3 ST1LL D13 OF 1LLN3SS THOUGH

CG: THEY HAVE A LOWBLOOD LIFESPAN, RIGHT?

GC: Y34H

GC: TH3 4V3R4G3 H3R3 1S 4BOUT 31GHTY 34RTH Y34RS

GC: WH1CH 1S JUST UND3R TH1RTY S3V3N SW33PS

CG: SHIT. FEFERI’S TROLLING ME.

CG: TROLL YOU LATER?

GC: SM3LL YOU SOON

GC: >:]

carcinoGeneticist [CG] ceased trolling gallowsCalibrator [GC]

cuttlefishCuller [CC] began trolling carcinoGeneticist [CG]

CC: Katfis)(!

CC: A little fis)(ie told me you’ve been getting crabby wit)( my moirail!

CG: SO HE’S TALKING TO YOU ABOUT HIS ISSUES NOW?

CG: BECAUSE, FUCKING *FINALLY*.

CC: Crabcakes, don’t get sharp wit)( M-------E!

CC: I’m not actunally )(ere to talk about Erifin,

CC: But to say t)(at your s)(ip is leaving in exactly )(alf a perigree.

CG: OH. THAT’S A BIT SOONER THAN EXPECTED.

CG: NOT THAT IT’S A PROBLEM, BUT I SHOULD DISCUSS IT WITH KANAYA.

CC: I already told )(er about your deprawnture!

CC: But feel free to talk about t)(is teribubble deveelopment toget)(er! 38D

cuttlefishCuller [CC] ceased trolling carcinoGeneticist [CG]

Looks like Kanaya is already trolling you. Fuck, she’s quick.

grimAuxiliatrix [GA] began trolling carcinoGeneticist [CG]

GA: Karkat

GA: Did Feferi Tell You About The Timing Of Our Departure

GA: Because If She Did Not

GA: It Is In Half A Perigee

CG: SHE JUST TOLD ME.

CG: HONESTLY, IT’S PROBABLY BETTER, AT LEAST FOR ME, TO GET OUT OF HERE SOONER.

CG: THERE IS A GROUP OF HEMOIST ASSWIPES THAT ARE GOING AROUND CULLING LOWBLOODS IN MY AREA RIGHT NOW, AND I’D RATHER NOT FIND OUT WHAT THEY WOULD DO TO ME IF THEY LEARNED A HEMOANON IS IN THE AREA.

GA: I Am Willing To Come To Your Area If Need Be

GA: There Is An Easily Edited Human Saying That Fits This Situation Quite Well

GA: I Am Not Sure I Am Doing It Correctly But Here It Is

GA: Have Chainsaw Will Travel

GA: I Hope That Made Sense

CG: THE GRAMMAR IS ATROCIOUS BUT I BELIEVE I SOMEWHAT UNDERSTAND THE MEANING.

CG: ALTHOUGH I STILL RETAIN THE FIRM BELIEF THAT TROLL ONES ARE BETTER.

GA: Now Would Be An Appropriate Time To Send An Emote To Express My Success

GA: However I Am Lacking In Symbols That Represent My Horns

GA: So I Will Settle For A Basic One

GA: :>

GA: Is That Satisfactory

CG: (:B

CG: MY HUMAN LANGUAGE SCHOOLFEED DIDN’T INCLUDE ANY SAYINGS OR IDIOMS, WHICH WILL PROBABLY MAKE SOME INTERACTIONS UNNECESSARILY DIFFICULT.

CG: BUT YOURS WAS DEFINITELY BETTER THAN MINE.

CG: FINDING A *GOOD* SCHOOLFEED ON ANYTHING THAT’S NOT BASIC SHIT IS REALLY FUCKING HARD WHEN YOU’VE GOT LOWBLOOD EQUIPMENT.

GA: Id Offer To Let You Use Mine

GA: But It Is Likely To Be Incompatible With Your Biology

GA: So I Will Refrain

 

* * *

 

Preparing to leave is an awful experience. With Crabdad gone and your hive cleaned out, it just seems so empty in a way that you feel deep in your gut. Fuck, you just feel so gross and lonely and like you’re deserting your heritage as a troll.

“Arrggghhhhhh…”

You flop onto the cold concrete floor of your hive. Fuck this shit. Your heritage as a troll hasn’t done shit for you but you still hate that you’re abandoning it like this. Groaning in frustration again, you haul yourself off the floor and towards the shitty temporary husktop configuration you set earlier.

carcinoGeneticist [CG] began trolling grimAuxiliatrix [GA]

CG: DO YOU FEEL LIKE YOU’RE LEAVING BEHIND YOUR ‘IDENTITY AS A TROLL’ AND RUNNING AWAY FROM YOUR PROBLEMS?

grimAuxiliatrix [GA] is an idle troll.

CG: BECAUSE I CAN’T HELP BUT FEEL THAT WAY.

CG: IT’S STUPID AND I SOUND LIKE A WIGGLER, I KNOW.

CG: BUT I FEEL LIKE SUCH A COWARD.

CG: WHICH IS ALSO A STUPIDLY HILARIOUS THING FOR ME TO FEEL, BECAUSE I WOULDN’T LAST A MINUTE IF ANYONE IN ANY SORT OF AUTHORITY FOUND OUT I’M A FUCKING MUTANT FREAK.

CG: FUCK, CAN YOU BELIEVE I USED TO THINK I COULD BECOME A THRESHECUTIONER?

CG: PAST KARKAT IS A FUCKING IDIOT AND I DON’T KNOW HOW HE MANAGED TO NOT GET HIS STUPID ASS CULLED.

CG: I JUST FUCKING HATE THE MERE IDEA OF RUNNING OFF TO ANOTHER PLANET BECAUSE IT’S COWARDLY, AND TROLLS *AREN’T COWARDS*.

CG: I FEEL LIKE I’M ABANDONING MY RIGHT TO CALL MYSELF A TROLL.

GA: Karkat

GA: To Answer Your Question No And Yes

GA: I Do Not Feel As If I Am Leaving Behind My Identity As One Of Our Species

GA: But I Am Running Away From My Problems In A Sense

GA: Your Emotions Are Something You Do Not Have Control Over And The Way You Feel Is Not Stupid Or Cowardly Or Any Of The Negative Adjectives You Used

GA: It Is A Reaction To Something Very Large Changing In Your Life

CG: I *KNOW* THAT. BUT I STILL HATE RUNNING AWAY ANYWAYS.

GA: I Have Stopped Thinking Of Going To Earth As Running Away And More Of A Way To Ensure My Future

GA: Your Problems On Alternia Are Not Something You Can Currently Defeat

GA: So Taking Another Path Would Make Sense Right

CG: I SEE THE POINT YOU ARE TRYING TO MAKE.

CG: I JUST

CG: CAN YOU COME TO MY HIVE TODAY?

GA: If You Want Me To

CG: YES.

CG: I REALLY DON’T WANT TO BE ALONE RIGHT NOW.

GA: Im Collecting My Luggage And Will Arrive Soon

CG: SEE YOU SOON.

carcinoGeneticist [CG] ceased trolling grimAuxiliatrix [GA]

 

* * *

 

The spaceport is full of people. Mostly highbloods, from the look of it, since they’re really the only trolls who can afford to leave the planet without getting enlisted or a sponsorship. Technically, Eridan’s sponsoring you. Why he volunteered to do that, you really don’t know, but you suppose it’s less suspicious than the heiress sponsoring a random ‘rustblood’. Eh, it doesn’t really matter, it’s getting you off the planet. As the pair of you move towards the security checkpoint, you push your ID papers in between your fingers. Shit. Logically, you know Sollux wouldn’t give you anything that would get you caught, but _fuck, this is nerve-racking_. Kanaya guides you to the station, and you hand your papers to the guard. _Fuckfuck shit why am I doing this fucking hellshit_ \- he neatly passes back to after a quick one-over and gestures for you to continue.

Oh thank fuck.

 

* * *

 

When you arrive, Terezi is waiting. She’s just the same as you remember, pointy and smiling her crocodile grin. She’s wearing the most horrifying clothing you can imagine, and you’re pretty sure Kanaya is having a conniption beside you. The disgusting mix of bright red and teal that covers her form is ridiculously eye catching and so just so _Terezi._

You missed her.

“Hey Crabcakes, Kanaya,” her voice is just the same as ever it ever was, excited and almost grating. “Welcome to Earth.”

You don’t even yell at her for hitting you with her cane.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> my tumblr is olivetheowl if you wanna talk about this fic


	3. Rose.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> warning: one (1) anxiety attack and a flashback to child abuse

She glides into your hospital room, and, _oh, yes. Rose._ She’s your _twin_ and your _sister_ and she’s _here._

“Rose,” you mumble, barely realizing that, yes, these are words slipping past your lips, “you’re here.”

 _“What did he do to you.”_ You can’t tell if she’s asking a question or not. She looks awful, deep eyebags, and bitten nails.

“What do you mean?” You don’t understand. Who did what to you? Rose huffs and pulls out her phone. She fiddles with it for a second before shoving it at you. Is that you? Holy fuck you look like a bag of dick-

You open the door.

Sword in hand, you take Lil’ Cal from his place atop a mountain of smuppets.

 

_Run._

 

Making your way to the rooftop, you steady your hands. You know what is about to happen.

He stands at the edge of the roof, body relaxed, calculated. His stance is casual, a hand slipped in his pocket, the other fingering the hilt of his stupid ninja sword.

 

_Run._

 

Throwing Cal to the ground, you take up a defensive stance. Bro inclines his head fractionally. You grit your teeth and prepare yourself for the steel onslaught that he is about to unleash.

 

**_Run._ **

 

He rushes you, steel clashing against steel, faster than you could ever keep up with. You feel his sword rip through your skin, see your blood on his blade.

 

**_RUN._ **

 

You keep your instincts under control and hold your ground, only to be kicked in the chest. Nausea fills your senses. You can’t see.

 

**_GOD FUCKING DAMMIT._ **

 

**_RUN. GET THE HELL OUT OF HERE._ **

 

You scramble towards the exit, and receive a foot to the skull for your trouble. Your ears ring. Bro doesn’t say anything, but you can sense his increased disappointment. Stinging, he cuts into you again, shoves you down into the apartment.

 

**_GET OUT._ **

 

Stumble down the hall, you can do it. You are doing it. Feel your ways towards- _fucking douchecanoe this fucking hurts-_ yes these are most definitely the stairs, _I warned you about the stairs bro, I told you dog._ Runs through your head without permission and-

_crunch._

_-fuckin bitch. those are your ribs and your arm fuckin hell this is not what you wanted what the fuck-_

Someone’s yelling. The guy that lives downstairs? Maybe.You really couldn’t care less, though, you’re so fucking tired.

 

Everything feels so far away. 

 

“Dave?” Rose is shoved bodily behind a nurse. Your entire body churns like you threw it in a blender.

“Rose,” you call. The nurse is touching you and _no no don’t do that._ “Stop it.” Your voice won’t let you yell. “Make them stop.”

Rose’s makeup is smudged under her eyes, but she looks at you with the strongest, most caring gaze you’ve ever felt. The beeping behind you is speeding up. You can’t move any of your limbs and you are drowning. Screens are pulled into the space between you and the rest of the room. You barely even register it when the nurse jabs a needle into you. The room comes back into focus, the beeping steadies itself.

“- hear me?” The nurse, you can’t remember their name, is saying something.

“Rose?” Your words are slurred. “Where is she?”

“Your sister is just outside. I’ll bring her in a minute.” They speak slowly, expression carefully neutral. You know that expression from your own face.

“Do you know where you are?”

“‘Ospital.” You can feel Rose recoiling through the wall at that awful attempt at speech. Shit was not cool. None of the levels of cool. That shit does not fly in Casa de Strider. Doesn’t even get two feet off the ground.

“City?”

“Houston.” You can hear shuffling from behind the door. You hope it’s Rose. Or Dirk, if he’s gotten here yet. Fuck, you just want to see them again.

“Alright.” They shuffle towards the door, opening it. Oh, wow. That looks like a serious talk was just interrupted. Rose, a tall woman who bears far more than a passing resemblance to Rose and Roxy, and another person who you do not recognize.

“You can see him now.” The nurse pushes past them and into the hallway.

“David.” The tall woman- your mom, holy shit on a stick. She looks absolutely pristine, a sharp contrast to the mess that Rose currently is.

“It’s just Dave, Mother.” Rose steps around your mom, and fuck, you want to hug her and never let go. As soon as you regain control of your arms, you are permanently attaching them to her. It will take only the most skilled of surgeons to separate the two of you. Fortunately, she realized your plight quite quickly, and swiftly delivers a hug of the highest Lalondian caliber to your unmoving torso. It’s vaguely awkward, your arms just stiff uncooked spaghetti in between you and her, but you wouldn’t give it up for the world.

“That is not the name I wrote on his birth certificate.”

“Does that matter?” Rose shoots back.

“Can we not do this now, Rose?” You feel like a spectator of an intense game of ping-pong between a pair of sharks.

“A-hem.” The other person who was in the hall, a shorter woman with black hair pulled back, cleared her throat. “Do you mind if I ask him a few questions?”

“That wouldn’t be up to us, Officer.” Shit. The police are here. Rose looks at you, a single eyebrow raised as a question.

“If you gotta question me, Officer, you might as well.” Why are you doing this? Bro will _murder_ you. “I mean, there’s not much for you to question me about, really?” You’re deflecting. “I’m just an idiot who fell down way too many stairs.”

“Do you prefer to be called Dave?” She asks, taking you off guard just a smidge.

“Yeah.” You stick with a short answer.

“Well, Dave, your body’s telling a different story.” Um. What. Taking your silence as an answer, she continues. “You have several clean lacerations, angled in ways where you could not possibly have made them yourself, as well as multiple cases of old broken bones healing incorrectly. You’re also malnourished and underweight. Would you like to tell me how this happened?” Shit shit shit. Fuck. You look to Rose, but she’s facing the policewoman. Your mom is typing something into her phone.

“Rose, can I talk to you first?” She turns to the policewoman, and gestures toward the door.

“Do you mind?” She narrows her eyes at Rose, but leaves. Mom follows her, still tapping away. Once the door is firmly shut, she turns back to you. “Dave?”

“I can't talk about Bro.” You almost miss how her entire body tightens at the mention of your father.

“So it was him.” Her voice is carefully flat, but you can feel the emotions radiating off her in waves. “I knew he wasn't a good parent, but I wasn't expecting _this.”_ She waves her hand over your entire body. “Fuck, Dave. How long has he done this?”

“I don't remember,” you reply, “but I was little. Remember when we first started talking, I had the whole cool kid act, the irony and all that bullshit?”

“How could I forget.” The corners of her eyes crinkle. “Ten years old and my favourite person to psychoanalyze.”

“That was him, Rose.” Every atom of your body rebels against sharing this, but this is Rose. “I wasn't a person, Rose, I was just this empty shell that he influenced so easily. Fuck, I was just one of his puppets.” You wish you could hide your face in your hands. You settle for looking down at your legs. Fuck, you wish you had your shades.

“Do you want me to talk to her instead?” Rose twitches her head in the direction of the door.

_"Please.”_

“I’m not going to hide the fact that _this,”_ she gesticulates towards you again, “was caused by our father.”

“I know, Rose, I just can’t do it myself. He’ll kick my ass for getting hospitalized though, you can’t stop that, Rose."

“How are you even _thinking_ that I’ll let him take you after what he did?” She’s tearing up. “He doesn’t deserve **_shit_** after what he did to you.” Her calm facade is breaking and you can hear the tears in her voice. “You’re my brother, my _twin,_ and I will _die before I let him take you away again.”_  

“He’s my dad, Rose.” You sigh, “He’s gonna get me back for this one way or another.” You look back up at her. Her face is a mess, makeup smudged, but eyes blazing with a fury you have no way of comprehending.

“I’ll be back in a minute.” She stands, wipes her face, and pulls the door open.

 

* * *

 

tentacleTherapist [TT] opened memo on board The Dave Strider Incident: Updates!

TT: I am at the hospital with Dave now. Dirk has not arrived yet, but he should be here in a couple hours.

gardenGnostic [GG] responded to memo!

GG: hows dave?

TT: He is currently complaining about being stuck in a hospital bed.

TT: However, his physical state is worse that what he told us in his memo.

GG: oh no :(

ectoBiologist [EB] responded to memo!

EB: shit dave

EB: is he going to be okay?

TT: It is possible to recover from all of his ailments, but it’ll be difficult for him, no doubt.

“Tell them I said hey.”

TT: Dave says hey.

GG: hes with you!?

GG: get him online!

TT: He can’t type.

EB: but he was in the memo earlier?

TT: They’ve got him on a muscle relaxant as well as painkillers so his gross motor movements are minimal.

TT: He can still talk, and his frustration due to being unable to to move his limbs is quite entertaining.

GG: :(

TT: He’s also reading all of this over my shoulder, so do not worry about him missing out on your concern.

“Do you want me to tell them about your,” she gives you a quick one-over. “malnutrition and bone issues?” You shake your head.

“No. Not now.” You’ll tell them yourself, later. “Tell John that I can’t find my shades, though.”

TT: He would also like to inform you, John, that he cannot find his shades.

EB: he lost the shades?

EB: why does he think that matters?

EB: he could have fucking died!

tipsyGnostalgic [TG]  responded to memo!

TG: rose!

TG: how is he?

TT: Doctor says it’s likely he’ll make a full recovery, although it will take a while.

TG: no

TG: hows he EMOTIONALLY

Rose turns to you, raising an eyebrow.

“Tell her I’m fan-fucking-tastic, Rox.”

TT: He’s ‘fan-fucking-tastic, Rox’.

TT: I’ll see if I can set up a Skype session once I figure out the WiFi.

EB: hey roxy!

TG: hi john and jade!

GG: hello!

There’s a knock at the door.

“Yeah?” You call. Rose’s-your mom steps in.

“I’ve called my lawyer.” Her voice is just as crisp as her appearance. “He’s booked his flight and will be here shortly.” Rose sighs.

“Why?” You venture.

“If you think I will allow that bastard to get away with abusing you, David, please give me your argument, and I will show you exactly where you are wrong.” Her expression is stony. “I intend to string up his ass from every angle the law will allow me to. Now, if you’ll excuse me, I am going to confer with Mr. Warren on this matter.” She exits gracefully to the sound of Rose’s groan.

“Don’t get me wrong, I want to end him, but the way she does it just makes me want to scream.” You let a long breath escape your lungs. Shifting as much as you can, you try for a soft chin-to-shoulder collision.

“Fuck!”

You missed. Your planned course has been abandoned so fast, the ship has whiplash. Your course was sabotaged and switched to one of the face-to-metal-hospital-bedpole variety. Dammit.

 

* * *

 

When Dirk walks into the room, your breath is the most relaxed it’s been in eleven years. Fortunately, your arms are no longer a set of floppy unmoving flesh sticks, so there is not a repeat of the stiff noodle incident you experienced with Rose. Fortunately for you, anyways, because, fuck, not being able to hug Rose back was cruel and honestly heartbreaking.

“It was him, wasn’t it.” He looks at you. It isn’t a question, but you nod anyways. “Fuck.” He tries to run his hands through, only to get stuck in the astronomical amount of gel used to make the stupid anime spikes you can’t imagine him without. He takes off his shades and you see anger, frustration and sadness saturated in his face. He _twists_ them and shatters the lenses, eyebrows drawing in with a fury you’ve never seen on him before. “ _Fuck him._ ” Shit, he looks intense. “Dave.” He looks you right in the eyes, and you see promises and threats swim in his orange eyes. “I am going to end him.”

“I know, bro. I know.”

 

* * *

 

Mom’s lawyer arrives, and his apprentice (student? Apprentice sounds cooler, you decide.) _licks_ you and proclaims to the entire room that you taste red (like cherries!). She introduces herself as Terezi Pyrope, and she is training to be a member of the interspecies group that takes care of intergalactic incidents. She had an actual name for it, but you’re way too fucking tired to remember it right now.

“Dave, right?” She cackles over how short your name is. ‘It’s nothing like a troll name!’ she had said. “Don’t worry your pretty cherry head over it, I’ll get his ass for you.” You decide that she is pretty cool, despite the licking.

You sleep better in the shitty hospital bed than you’ve slept throughout those eleven years you spent with only Bro for company, knowing these people are there for you.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> my tumblr is olivetheowl and it is the most open if you wanna talk bout this fic 
> 
> or anything homestuck really


	4. New York

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> warning: graphic descriptions of vomit

Sharing a hive with another person is fucking weird. Granted, it is Kanaya you’re sharing with. It could be a lot fucking worse. You’re both decently neat people, with the exception of Kanaya’s occasional project-rampage. No surface is spared when she gets that invested in one of her projects.

The human ‘online’ education courses you are taking are interesting, to say the least. Human psychology is a mess of contradictions and fancy words and cultural connotations that you just _don’t understand_. The literature course, however, is incredible. The ‘teacher’ (supervisor?) has studied the quadrant system and is an _excellent_ conversation partner, especially when it comes to the comparing of troll and human romantic literature.

The worst part, you decide, is not the courses, not the weird food that you simply don’t have the words to explain how disgusting it is, not that you never see Terezi, despite living literally across the hivestem from her, or even the sopor patches, which are no where near effective enough to give you a good night's sleep, but the other person on your level of the ‘stem. They’re an older human, male, you think. Gender markers on humans are confusing sometimes, but you’re getting better at it. But holy mothergrub, he’s essentially the literal personification of a waste chute, with the sheer amount of hoofbeast shit he spews from his face gash.

Terezi said he’s a ‘flat-earther’ and apparently that means he thinks his planet is one flat plane, which is a load of idiocy if you’ve ever heard it. You saw Earth, and it’s a giant fucking sphere. You would rather live with Vriska than interact with him on a semi-regular basis, that’s how repulsive you find him. He won’t stop spouting garbage about how ‘you aliens are disgusting’ and ‘you need to back to where you were born’ (nevermind that you _hatched_ ) and other ridiculous jargon. He also keeps trying to win arguments with Terezi, which you take to be a direct result of his distinct lack of thinksponge cells. You feel particularly bad for the food delivery human that brings the ‘pizza’ in the square boxes. He keeps on red flirting with her in a completely disgusting and rude manner, with no regard for the fact that she’s told him that she has a matesprit. Or a ‘boyfriend’ as she’d put it. You wish Kanaya could take her chainsaw to him without getting her residency revoked.

Speaking of Kanaya, she’s currently trying to cook one of the human foods called ‘chicken fingers’. They really don’t look like meat, but apparently they are? They have a weird crumbly coating of ‘breadcrumbs’ which doesn’t look anything like the ‘bread’ Terezi introduced you to. What is with humans and their penchant for nonsensical naming? Maybe the breadcrumbs taste like certain kinds of bread. You don’t know, and wish that humans could come up with a way to decontaminate their meat without cooking it until it is sad, dry, and overly crispy. Once you find out how to contact the meat-companies, you are going to send them a long message detailing the utter disappointment that is overcooked cluckbeast, with excruciating and possibly nauseating details, and possibly ask if they have any recommendations in order to make it less dry. You can see it now:

DEAR THOSE WHO DECIDE THAT MEAT SHOULD BE RIDICULOUSLY OVERCOOKED,

I HAVE TWO THINGS TO TELL/ASK YOU. ONE, I AM UTTERLY AND COMPLETELY DISGUSTED BY THE COMPLETELY UNWARRANTED URGE YOU HUMANS HAVE TO DRY OUT ANY AND ALL MEAT PRODUCTS. I HAVE FORCED THESE DRY CHUNKS OF MOOBEAST DOWN MY FOOD CHUTE ONCE, AND IF I EVER HAVE TO DO IT AGAIN I WILL UPHEAVE THE CONTENTS OF MY DIGESTION SACK. IT WILL BE AWFUL AND DISGUSTING IN EVERY WAY. MY INTERNAL FLUIDS WILL ESCAPE ME, MY ORGANS WILL REBEL. YOUR ‘HAMBURGER PATTIES’ WILL BE SCATTERED IN SEMI-DIGESTED CHUNKS ACROSS THE FLOOR. ALONG WITH IT WILL BE THE BEAUTIFUL EARTH SUBSTANCE COMMONLY KNOWN AS ‘POPCORN’. IT WILL NOT TASTE EVEN A FRACTION OF HOW GOOD IT WAS WHEN IT EXPELS ITSELF OUT OF MY TALK BLASTER.

You will write the rest of it once you find a suitable recipient.

 

* * *

  
“I would prefer to take David to some of my associates in New York, as I know their abilities and trust them immensely.” Fuck, your mother is stubborn. “I also happen to currently have legal custody of him, and since you have finished questioning him, I would like to take my son home.” Honestly, the sheer amount of fucks than you don’t give could fill the entire fucking void. The entirety of negative fuckspace. Space is filled with nothing but your ungiven fucks, the endless void cannot contain them, they’re spilling into Limbo.

turntechGodhead [TG] began pestering  ectoBiologist [EB]

TG: yo man

TG: guess who found their shades

EB: hmmm.

EB: i don’t know, dave.

EB: could it have possibly been……..

EB: you?

TG: ding ding ding

TG: mr egbert you are correct

TG: it was in fact me all along

TG: your prize is one of my many ungiven fucks

EB: wow, dave. what will i do with this wondrous prize?

TG: i think youre talking to rose a little too much

TG: since when have you said shit like wondrous

EB: i am not ashamed of expanding my vocabulary, dave.

EB: there are so many ridiculously specific words.

EB: defenestrate, dave.

TG: whats that

TG: imma look it up

TG: john that is a ridiculously specific and wonderful word

TG: i am going to send it to roxy later

TG: she will be delighted

TG: messing with dirk with cool and weird words when hes being a tool is one of her favourite pastimes

EB: is dirk really as much of a tool as roxy says he is?

TG: not sure

TG: i literally just saw him in person for the first time in seven years yesterday

TG: he could be the ultimate tool irl and i would never have known

TG: but i think shes exaggerating his tooliness JUST a little bit

TG: hes a cool tool though

TG: ctool

TG: that was nowhere near as cool as i thought is was going to be

TG: im sorry john

TG: my secret has been revealed

TG: im not actually cool

TG: just an imposter hidden behind the coolest chillest persona youve ever seen

EB: one slip up doesn’t mean you’re not cool, dave!

EB: still the coolest person i know!

TG: thank you sir john

TG: my unreal levels of cool are forever in your debt

TG: yo bro

TG: jades pestering me you mind if we chat later

EB: it’s fine!

EB: talk to you later!

ectoBiologist [EB] ceased pestering  turntechGodhead [TG]

gardenGnostic [GG] began pestering  turntechGodhead [TG]

GG: dave!!! :D

GG: how are you feeling?

TG: thoroughly validated and secure in my level of cool

TG: and also kinda floaty

TG: these drugs are really fuckin weird

GG: id imagine!

GG: youve only ever had over the counter stuff before right?

GG: so hospital grade painkillers would send you through quite the loop!

TG: yeah that makes sense

TG: wait

TG: how the fuck do you know about over the counter drugs

TG: you literally live on an island with only a dog for company

 GG: actually jakes been trying to explain all the weird things he finds on the mainland to me!

GG: he thinks that medical costs are pretty ridiculous. 

TG: yeah they are

TG: one point goes to moms insured healthcare

TG: she brought her lawyer here

TG: who the fuck drags their lawyer halfway across the country just to fuck up their ex-partners shit

TG: roxana lalonde thats who

GG: she seems, as rose would say, a bit superfluous

TG: woah whats with you and john and the big words today

GG: we are secretly conspiring with rose to fuck up your vocabulary

GG: you will pick up all the big words from the three of us

GG: they will slowly but surely integrate themselves into your vocab

GG: and then we will all speak like a bunch of tools :)

TG: what an excellent plan

TG: im weeping from the mere thought of it

TG: oh

TG: i forgot to tell you

TG: rose saw a dude in a fursuit in the er

TG: she showed me a picture

TG: it was green and reminded me of you

GG: dave ive told you that i have no interest in fursuits!!!

TG: yeah i totally believe you

turntechGodhead [TG]  sent an image!

GG: dave no :(

TG: ok ill chill on the fursuit front

TG: one change of subject coming right up

TG: uhh

TG: do you know if jake and dirk are talking

TG: all i know is that their breakup was fuckin messy and dirk doesnt want to talk about it

TG: but as the excellent bro i am

TG: im pretty concerned about him

TG: they were really good friends before

GG: im not sure actually!

GG: jakes pretty cagey about it as well

GG: i think they both were really hurt by it despite the fact that their relationship wasnt very healthy anyways.

TG: yeah dirk isolated himself when it happened

TG: roxy was the only one who hed even respond to

TG: it was really shitty

GG: jake didnt isolate himself so much

GG: but it was really hard to talk to him!

GG: he already wasnt talking to jane at the time and then he cut dirk off too!

GG: roxy and i were the only people he hadnt blocked i think.

TG: dont get me wrong

TG: their relationship had many problems and i think theyre better off not dating right now

TG: but if they had just TALKED

TG: maybe they wouldnt be in this shitty situation right now

TG: shituation

GG: yeah i see what you mean

GG: communication was one of their main issues

“Dave!” Your legal counsel is yelling at you again. Terezi, please do not lick the victim. We would prefer is his epidermis remains intact and not covered in troll saliva. “The doctors don’t want you to walk in your condition, so we’ve got you a wheelchair.” Rose follows Terezi into the room, pushing the damn thing.

“I can walk just fine, y’know.” Please don’t let Terezi push you. You can see only one end to that: a dangerously bad one.

“Dave. As much as I know your ego will be bruised by this, I am not going to argue with the medical professionals on this.” Rose sighs.

“Fine.” You agree. “But TZ, as cool as you are, I’m pretty sure you pushing me will end badly. Maybe not for you, or me, but for somebody.” She frowns in disappointment.

“I’ll do it.” Rose volunteers. You are thoroughly relieved. Terezi in control of anything with wheels _is not a good idea._ “Mother has gotten us tickets back to New York.” She informs you. “Our father has been arrested and the police are handling it.”

“How did they even get him?” Bro is not an easy person to capture or even subdue, you know from experience.

GG: dave?

TG: can we talk later

TG: rose is telling me some important things

GG: sure! :)

TG: bye jade

turntechGodhead [TG] ceased pestering gardenGnostic [GG]

“We were not given the details, but apparently it was not very difficult, which strikes me as odd.” What. What the shit. Did he _go quietly?_ Holy fuck,  _no._ He’s planning something. He’s always one step ahead, this is _part of his plan._

“Dave?”

 

* * *

 

GC: SO 1M COM1NG B4CK TO N3W YORK

CG: WHY DID THEY MAKE YOU GO ALL THE WAY THERE ONLY TO HAVE YOU COME BACK?

CG: SEEMS PRETTY IDIOTIC TO ME.

GC: TH3 CL13NT THOUGHT TH4T H3 WOULD PUT UP MOR3 OF A STRUGGL3 TH4N H3 D1D

GC: D4V3 1S SUR3 TH4T H3 1S PL4NN1NG SOM3TH1NG THOUGH

GC: SO 1T M1GHT NOT B3 4S BOR1NG 4S 1T H4S B33N SO F4R >:]

CG: DAVE IS THE NAME OF THE DESCENDANT OF YOUR CLIENT, RIGHT?

GC: Y34H H3S H3R SON

GC: H3 R3M1NDS M3 OF YOU 4 L1TTL3 B1T

CG: I WILL WAIT UNTIL YOU DELIBERATE ON THIS TO BE OFFENDED AT BEING COMPARED TO SOMEONE YOU JUST MET.

GC: H3S R3D

CG: TEREZI

GC: R34LLY BLUNT 4ND L1T3R4L M1ND3D

GC: 4ND H3 H1D3S H1S F33L1NGS B3H1ND 4 W3LL PR4CT1CED FRONT

GC: H3 L1V3D 1N F34R FOR MOST OF H1S W1GGL3RHOOD

GC: H3 K1ND4 T4LKS L1K3 YOU DO

GC: BUT L3SS Y3LLY

GC: 1 TH1NK YOUD G3T 4LONG

CG: IF YOU SAY SO.

GC: 1 W1LL 1NTRODUC3 TH3 TWO OF YOU WH3N 1 G3T B4CK

CG: I WOULD ASK YOU NOT TO, BUT I KNOW BETTER THAN TO THINK YOU’LL LISTEN TO ME.

GC: H3H3H3 >:]

 

* * *

 

Planes, you decide, are the hellspawn of earthquakes and vultures. They fucking _shake_ and do nothing but make your headaches worse. Being up in the air, you might have enjoyed, except for the fact that you are _concussed_ and the tiniest movement makes you want to puke.  You held in the puke-urge with the hugs, and TZ’s cackling. You can do it now. Keep all those internal fluids internal and all that.

_Oh fuck._

Okay, fuck no. Planes are awful and disgusting and the metal equivalent of being repeated hit in the balls with Cal’s wooden head. _Why do the shake so fucking much while they land?_ Rose is shoving a bag at you. Why is she doing that? The reason become abundantly clear when your lunch of shitty hospital food decides to make a guest appearance outside of your organs. Gross.

 

* * *

 

Exiting the plane is a form of liberation you never thought you would ever feel. Free from Bro, with Rose at your side (quite literally, you refused to use the wheelchair, and she decided that supporting you was necessary) you feel light and airy inside. One of Terezi’s friends from Alternia is waiting for her by the luggage treadmill. Fuck if that thing wasn’t the weirdest shit. All of stuff was deposited onto a giant conveyor belt and spun around until you recognize you shit and drag it off the _moving belt._ Terezi’s friend is now having an animated conversation with her at the end of the bag snake. Well, Terezi is animated, at least. Terezi jabs her cane in your general direction and she looks over and Rose slumps and _oh._

_Rose has stars in her eyes._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> tumblr is olivetheowl
> 
> hit me up you wanna discuss this fic, homestuck, star wars, etc


	5. Meetings

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> updates are probably gonna be slower from now on because school is starting up again and i won't have as much time, but i'm definitely gonna keep updating y'all  
> also i based the grease thing off of the play my high school put on when i was in grade eight so it prob not accurate sorry

Human rom-cons are fucking weird, you decide. Terezi let you use her ‘Netflix’ account, ‘so you can learn what your schoolfeed didn't teach you!’ But, if you had known about the hell you were about to enter, you would have never made the choice to touch human films with a ten foot reach-extender.

Speaking of Terezi, she's returning today. Kanaya went to the ‘airport’ to meet her, but you refuse to leave the hive unattended. You'll see her when she comes back to the hivestem, anyways.

Back to the utter mistake that is human cinematography. While yes, you know humans do not have quadrants, their plot lines would be so much better with them. Not to mention their ass-backwards red attraction. Who feels flushed attraction to someone’s strength? Not to mention, the titles of the movies don't describe anything about the plot! Grease has absolutely fuck-all to do with the plot! Not to mention, if quadrants had been involved, it would have been far less of a mess than it was. Sandy and Danny could have had their matespritship and Rozzi could have gone pitch for either Sandy or Leo, with her other ‘boyfriend’ as her matesprit. Sandy and Frenchy could have been a great pair of moirails, but no, humans don't have quadrants.

Fucking bulgesuckers.

 

* * *

 

This is the gayest situation you have ever been in. Rose and Terezi’s friend Kanaya won't stop making googly eyes at each other. Maybe you can pull some more plane headaches out of your ass and faint. Terezi is bouncing her eyebrows and ‘looking’ between Rose and Kanaya.

“TZ, no.”

“What do you mean, Dave? I’m not doing anything!”

“I will keep all of the drawings out of range of your licking, don’t even think I won’t.” You threaten halfheartedly. “All of them.”

“Keeping evidence from the court is a crime, Mr. Strider. Do I have to arrest you?”

“Who is the court in this situation, TZ? Is it you? Because as good as you are regarding the law, I’m pretty sure it is also against the law to only have a court of one.” You let your lips pull up into a smirk. “It’s called vigilante justice, TZ, look it up.” She slams a hand against her chest in mock offense.

“Don’t accuse me of breaking the law! Coolkid, I thought you were better than this!” She’s grinning, all gleaming shark teeth and thin black lips. Your insides do a little flip-flop. “Sorry, Kanaya, but Warren and I are going to the Lalonde house to discuss strategy. Course, you can come if you want to.” Kanaya looks up from her quite intense discussion with Rose.

“I’d rather not leave Karkat alone any longer than I said I would, but perhaps another time?” She glances between Rose and Terezi.

“Yeah, of course!” Somehow, Terezi's grin widens even further. “I was planning on dragging you and Karkat with me anyways!” Kanaya smiles politely at you, and turns to Rose.

“I do hope I will have the pleasure of speaking with you again, Rose.” You can see the way Rose’s face darkens at the statement.

“And you as well, Kanaya.” Wow, if you didn’t already know that your sister was a raging lesbian, the look on her face right now would have confirmed it.

“Come on, you’ll have plenty of time to flirt later, I’ve got stuff to talk about with your mom and Roxy!” Terezi’s getting impatient, tapping her cane quickly on the ground.

“Yeah, Rose, come on.” You elbow her gently. She glares at you with the power of a thousand suns. You are suddenly very glad to be wearing your shades. “Let’s go home.”

 

* * *

 

Roxy’s hug is bruising, to say the least. A bit too enthusiastic. But, fuck, if you aren’t excited to see her too.

“Rox, it’s fine, I swear, I’m good.” You’re not fine. Your ribs are on fire and you’re having trouble breathing, but fuck if you’re gonna make her feel guilty for hugging you.

“Mr. Warren, Ms. Pyrope,” your mother drifts into the room, “we have many things to discuss.”

“Of course, Ms. Lalonde.” Mr. Warren is an older man, maybe in his fifties or so. He seems trustworthy enough, but you never know.

“Roxy, please confirm with David the contents of the list.” She calls as she exits, Terezi and Warren following. Roxy grins.

"So, Dave.” She sobers a bit. “We’ve got access to all your records now, and turns out, you straight up have literally no medical history. Nada. Nothing.” You scratch behind your ear.

“I’ve never been to the hospital, if that’s what you mean.”

“Dave.” Shit, she looks hella serious. “We really need to know if Derick actually took care of you to any degree.”

“I mean, Bro wouldn’t have let me starve, Rox. He knew I was capable of getting food and storing it myself.”

“He didn’t provide you with food?” Rose interrupts.

“Uh… I mean, the dude was away for weeks at a time, he couldn’t really have done that, Rose…” You trail off. Rose looks fucking pissed, Roxy is more horrified.

“He left you, alone, in that apartment, for weeks at a time?” Rose straight up growls. Gay up growls? Heh. Okay, maybe now is not the time.

“Rose…” She visibly calms herself, the fury in her face becoming less intense, but not fading.

“Dave, I am so fucking sorry about not getting you out of there sooner.” Roxy sounds so fucking sincere and her hand is on your shoulder, and fuck if you don’t feel so safe right now.

“Rox… I’m sorry I’m shit at the whole feelings thing, but fuck.” You look at Rose, “I appreciate it. Really.”

“I know, Davey, just tell us about these things, okay?” Roxy says, “We’re your family, we care about you and we want you to be happy, no matter how much of a riot you are about it.”

 

* * *

 

“Hey!” Terezi seems to be done her planning, judging by her level of volume.

“Yo, TZ. What’s up?” You say. “I need your chumhandle. To keep in contact during the investigation, as well as to swap shitty drawings. My trolltag is gallowsCalibrator, by the way.” Her face shifts into a crocodile grin. “Also, I promised one of my hatefriends that I would introduce you to him. His trolltag is carcinoGeneticist. You two will probably see each other a lot more if Rose and Miss Mint Leaves continue their blatant ogling of each other.”

“Alright.” You hold your arm that isn’t encased in a thoroughly graffitied cast up to her for a fist bump. “See you tomorrow, TZ.” She taps her knuckles against yours.

“Smell ya later, Coolkid.”

 

* * *

 

carcinoGeneticist [CG] began trolling  turntechGodhead [TG]

CG: WHO THE FUCK ARE YOU AND WHY DID YOU ADD ME?

TG: woah whats with the capslock bro

TG: never mind im done trying to understand troll typing quirks

CG: WOW, WAY TO BE AN INSENSITIVE DOUCHEBAG.

CG: YOU ALSO HAVEN’T ANSWERED MY QUESTION, ASSHAT.

CG: WHY DID YOU ADD ME?

TG: terezi told me to

TG: also do you always insult people when you first meet them

TG: because im sure you make many friends that way

CG: SHOVE OFF, DOUCHENOZZLE.

CG: IT’S NONE OF YOUR FUCKING BUSINESS.

CG: WHY WOULD TEREZI GIVE YOU MY TROLLTAG ANYWAYS?

TG: apparently she thinks we will get along

TG: not sure why

TG: now that ive actually talked to you and all

CG: OH YOU’RE DAVE.

CG: FUCK, I DIDN’T EXPECT HER TO GIVE YOU MY TROLLTAG, JUST SHOVE ME INTO AN AWKWARD CONVERSATION WHENEVER SHE DECIDES TO DRAG ME ALONG TO HER LEGISLACERATOR TRAINING.

CG: BUT NO, KARKAT VANTAS CANNOT PREDICT THE ACTIONS OF HIS BEST HATEFRIEND WORTH SHIT, AS USUAL.

TG: ok i think i can see why shed think wed get along

TG: just a little bit

TG: if i peer through the spaces in between your obnoxious capslock

TG: i can see it

CG: WELL I FUCKING DON’T.

CG: AND YOUR STUPID PUNCTUATION-FREE MINI-LETTERS ARE JUST AS BAD, IF NOT WORSE, THAN MY OWN APPALLING TEXT.

CG: SO HOW ABOUT YOU FUCK RIGHT OUT OF THIS CONVERSATION.

TG: nah

TG: i gotta figure out why tz likes you man

TG: why youre her friend if youre this annoying all the time

CG: DON’T USE SOLLUX’S SHITTY NICKNAMES.

CG: KEEP THEM OUT OF YOUR FILTHY RED TEXT.

TG: what’s wrong with my text colour bro

TG: is it because of terezis red fetish

TG: because i think thats a little weird too man

TG: she keeps trying to sniff my eyeballs

TG: and the LICKING

TG: dont even get me started on how weird that shit is

CG: FUCK OFF STRIDER.

TG: wow weve upgrading to strider now huh

TG: i cant believe it karkat

TG: you cant see it but youre gonna have to take my word for it when i say there is a single manly tear falling down my cheek

CG: ALSO STOP TALKING ABOUT TEREZI.

TG: oooh

TG: is she your gf or something

CG: NONE OF YOUR FUCKING BUISNESS, NOOKWHIFF.

TG: i havent heard that one before

TG: whats a nook

CG: AGHFRFERGHGF

CG: FUCK OFF SO FAST AND SO DIRECTLY THAT YOU FLY OFF THIS MISERABLE PLANET AND INTO YOUR SUN.

TG: wow

TG: thats some serious rage there bro

CG: STOP CALLING ME BRO.

CG: WHAT THE FUCK EVEN IS A BRO?

TG: oh man

TG: i cant explain a bro

TG: you just gotta feel the broship

TG: take the olive branch of broitude and feel all the bro feels

CG: I AM EVEN MORE FUCKING CONFUSED THAN BEFORE I ASKED. I DON’T EVEN KNOW WHY OLIVES ARE IN THIS EQUATION, BUT FUCK IF I UNDERSTAND YOUR AWFUL HUMAN YAMMERING.

TG: ok i can sorta see why tz would be your friend

TG: this is kinda hilarious

TG: also she called you a hatefriend so i guess trolls have a bit more antagonism in their broships

TG: i should give your handle to rose

TG: shed have a fucking field day with your bullshit

CG: ROSE IS YOUR MOIRAIL, RIGHT?

TG: whats a moirail

CG: RIGHT, YOU HUMANS DON’T FUCKING HAVE QUADRANTS.

TG: rose is my sister dont try to assign a romance box to us

TG: i mean what the actual fuck man you dont date your sister

TG: not even in weird alien ways

CG: WHAT IS IT ABOUT A ‘SISTER’ THAT MEANS YOU CANNOT BE IN A QUADRANT WITH ONE.

TG: uh

TG: you just dont man

TG: did tz tell you that were playing romance foursquare because we are most definitely not

CG: SHE SAID YOU ARE ‘TWINS’ WHICH MAKES JUST AS MUCH SENSE AS YOU APPALLING LACK OF QUADRANTS.

CG: KANAYA HAS TOLD ME MORE THAN I EVER WANTED TO KNOW ABOUT ROSE, AND ABOUT YOUR BLATANT PALE FLIRTATION.

CG: YOU LET HER SUPPORT YOU *IN PUBLIC*.

TG: i really dont see the problem with that man

TG: but rose and i arent in a troll romance square

TG: so maybe you can fuck right off of assuming that we are

CG: I KNOW YOU DON’T HAVE FUCKING QUADRANTS, YOU IMBECILE, SO YOU CAN’T FUCKING BE IN ONE.

CG: WHY AM I EVEN STILL TALKING TO YOU?

TG: its the strider charm dude

TG: you simply cannot resist the sweet caress of my fingers across the keyboard

CG: YOU DISGUST ME AND I DON’T UNDERSTAND WHY TEREZI COMPARED ME TO YOU.

TG: ok im a little lost here

TG: tz compared us

TG: how

CG: APPARENTLY WE ARE ‘V3RY S1M1L4R’ OR SOME SHIT.

TG: what

TG: imma have to confirm with tz on this

CG: YOU KEEP YOUR GROSS HUMAN PHALANGES AWAY FROM HER TROLLTAG, YOU INSUFFERABLE BULGESUCKER.

TG: honey im afraid that sucking bulges is not something i have any mind to do

TG: and my gross human phalanges were made to caress the shit out of her trolltag

TG: oh look there they go

turntechGodhead [TG] began pestering  gallowsCalibrator [GC]

TG: yo tz

GC: H3Y COOLK1D

TG: i just gotta question rn

TG: did you compare karkat and me

GC: 1S TH4T WH4T H3S Y3LL1NG 4BOUT

TG: hes yelling

TG: really oh my jegus

GC: WH4T 1S J3GUS

TG: jesus

GC: YOUR MYTHOLOG1C4L F1GUR3

GC: BUT Y3S

GC: H3S Y3LL1NG

GC: 1 C4N H34R 1T FROM MY H1V3

TG: holy shit

GC: WH4T D1D YOU S4Y TO H1M

TG: i just needed to confirm if you actually think were similar

TG: and he flipped his shit about me talking to you

GC: D4V3

GC: K4RK4TS SH1T 1S 4LW4YS B31NG FL1PP3D

TG: is it in a constant state of flippage

TG: evenly cooked on both sides

GC: Y3S

GC: SO DONT T4K3 1T TOO P3RSON4LLY

TG: nah its cool

TG: shits kinda hilarious

TG: now if you dont mind im gonna talk to him now

TG: i think hes still yelltyping at me

GC: SM3LL Y4 L4T3R COOLK1D

TG: see ya

turntechGodhead [TG] ceased pestering  gallowsCalibrator [GC]

CG: NO

CG: GET YOUR NASTY HUMAN ‘FINGERS’ BACK HERE, BULGELICK.

CG: ARE YOU *ACTUALLY* ASKING HER?

CG: HOLY MOTHERGRUB, YOU ARE.

CG: I CAN HEAR HER CACKLING FROM ACROSS THE HIVESTEM.

CG: GET YOUR PATHETIC HUMAN ASS BACK HERE SO I CAN RAIN MY RIGHTEOUS FURY UPON YOU, STRIDER.

TG: dont badmouth my butt man

TG: youve never seen it

TG: you dont know the true beauty that is my behind

CG: YOUR ASS WILL BE THE MOST UNREMARKABLE THING I HAVE EVER SEEN, AND I NEVER LEFT MY HIVE AS A WIGGLER, SO MOST OF THE THINGS I HAVE SEEN ARE INCREDIBLY UNREMARKABLE.

TG: wow dude

TG: ill have you know that my ass is fuckin fantastic

CG: KANAYA HAS VOICED HER CONCERNS OVER HOW THIN YOU ARE, YOU COLOSSAL DOUCHE. YOUR ASS IS PROBABLY JUST A FLAT AND TINY AS THE REST OF YOU.

TG: is this who you really are karkat

TG: a monster whos only purpose is to insult my derriere

TG: and here i thought you were funny

CG: BEING FOUND EVEN VAGUELY AMUSING BY SOMEONE AS IDIOTIC AS YOU IS AN INSULT. WHEN I SEE YOU IN PERSON, I WILL DESTROY YOUR AURAL SPONGE CLOTS ACCORDINGLY.

TG: nah when you see me irl you will be too stunned by the true stunning beauty of my ass to do so man

CG: STOP MENTIONING YOUR ASS!

TG: you brought it up in the first place bro

CG: AFDGFHJF

CG: FUCK OFF DOUCHELORD.

TG: nah dude youre just a bit too entertaining to leave just yet

CG: FUCK YOU.

carcinoGeneticist [CG] ceased trolling turntechGodhead [TG]

TG: hahaha

carcinoGeneticist [CG] blocked turntechGodhead [TG]

 

* * *

 

Terezi wakes you up with her vicious tealblood screeching.

“Karkat! Kanaya! Get your asses out of bed I need the two of you to come to the Lalonde House with me!”

“Why?” You ask as you enter the food preparation block. Kanaya is rubbing her eyes in the hallway.

She faces you directly. “Damage control.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> tumblr is olivetheowl


	6. Truth

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> warnings: xenophobia, panic attack

Since none of you can drive the human transportation vehicles, you have to use what Terezi refers to as ‘public transit’.

You decide that you hate public transit. Not only are the artificial lights irritatingly bright, the sound it makes is the worst thing you have ever heard. The humans in the vehicle keep  _ looking  _ at you just emptied your bilesack and rolled in it. None of them voluntarily come close to the three of you.

When you arrive at the Lalonde house, Terezi turns to the pair of you and explains what you have to do.

She stalks up to the door and presses the button beside it. After a few minutes, footsteps approach the door and it opens to reveal a short female human. Rose, you decide, after considering Kanya and Terezi’s descriptions of the Strider-Lalondes. She’s a lot lighter around the eyes than you thought.

“Terezi, not that I don’t appreciate your visit, but it’s three in the morning.” 

“Rose,” Terezi addresses her directly. “This is very important.”

“Of course. I mean, why would you bother showing up if it wasn’t?” She’s smiling just a little bit. “Should I wake the rest of them?” 

“That’d be a good idea.” Terezi replies. Rose nods and directs the three of you to what appears to a food preparation block combined with some other blocks that you are not sure what their purpose is. 

Roxana Lalonde enters the block first, questioning Terezi about the whereabouts of Warren and the reasons behind such a late-night visit. You don’t recognize the next one from any of the descriptions Terezi gave you, but she definitely looks like a descendant of Ms. Lalonde. The rest of them come down as a group. You recognize Rose, and the round glasses you think belong to Dave, but there is also a third person you do not know. You’ll find out who he is later. 

“Ms. Pyrope,” Ms. Lalonde says, “do you mind telling us what is so important that you simply could not wait until morning?”

“Yeah, TZ,” Dave adds, and holy shit you want to punch his stupid face. “What’s up?” 

“The Houston police department just contacted us.” Terezi states. “Derick Strider escaped from custody three hours ago.”

 

* * *

 

“You want me to do  _ what _ ?” You screech. “Terezi, I am not going to play moirail for Dave fucking Strider!”

“Karkat,” Terezi insists, “Kanaya is better suited to Rose by a long shot and I’ll have to deal with Ms. Lalonde. It’s not like I’m asking you to  _ shoosh  _ him.”

“Aren’t Rose and Dave basically moirails anyways?” You demand. “Shouldn’t they deal with this together?”

“He does have a point, Terezi.” Kanaya states smoothly.

"Thank you, Kanaya.” You crow.

“I see what you are getting at,” Terezi concedes, “but I still want you to be there, alright?”

You groan. “Fine.”

 

* * *

 

What. No no no no no. No  _ fuck no he cannot be out he’ll find you he’ll find Rose fuck shit no no no.  _

He does not get to  _ touch  _ Rose. He can have you but he doesn’t get her. 

He’s out. He’s out he’s out he’s out he’s out. Fuck, what about Dirk, oh god,  _ Roxy. _ Like fuck he’d just leave them out of this, the bastard. 

Fuck, he’s going to  _ kill  _ you.

“Dave?” Who’s that? God, everything feels so far away. “Dave!” There’s hands on your shoulders and on your back. 

“Rose?” You mutter.

“She’s right there, doucheass.” A voice from behind you grumbles. You stiffen. When your sight returns, you see Rose, in front of you, with Kanaya’s hand on her shoulder.

“Back with us in the land of the living, dear brother?” She smiles shakily. Out of the corner of your eye, you see Dirk, kneeling beside you. You think you can hear the soft sound of Roxy’s slippers behind you. They’re all here. They’re all safe. Grabbing hold of your breathing, you force it into a normal pattern. 

“Dave.” That’s Dirk’s voice. Fuck, just hearing him is reassuring. Are you on the floor? Yep, this is the tile of the kitchen. “You good?”

“Yeah.” You breathe out. “Yeah, bro. I’m good.” Clambering to your feet, you catch a glance of the owner of the voice that was behind you. You think it’s Karkat, and fuck, he doesn’t look anything like you were expecting. He’s kinda short, with the tiniest horns you’ve ever seen. You want to giggle. You do not giggle, however, because that is the epitome of not cool. Nudging Dirk gently, you tell him that you’re going upstairs. You catch Rose’s eye as Roxy crowds around her. You nod ever so slightly, and continue up the stairs. You hide your tears behind your shades.

 

* * *

 

What the actual fuck. First, he has some sort of shaking fit, then comes to his senses, asks for his moirail, is reassured by someone who is definitely  _ not his moirail,  _ and then goes up to the second floor of the hive like nothing has happened. Fuck, you should do something. That’s why Terezi brought you here in the first place. Oh. Not His Moirail is following him. You pointedly do not follow him up the stairs. Instead you turn to Rose, Kanaya, and the other human that Rose referred to as Roxy. 

“Dave’s gonna be fine, Rosie, Dirk’s with him.” Roxy says as you settle in beside Kanaya. “Dirk’ll send me a message once he’s calmed down a bit and then we can go up and see him, alright?” 

“You had a human culture schoolfeed, right?” You whisper to Kanaya.

“Yes,” she replies, “why?”

“Did it mention anything about them being this pale-happy all the time?”

“I don’t believe this is pale Karkat. If there was anything the schoolfeed was completely adamant about it was that humans do not have quadrants.”

“Yes, Kanaya, I know. I’ve been watching their rom-coms. But you understand what I mean?”

“Yes. This is what I believe to be a ‘familial bond’.” She responds. “It is a group bond between genetically similar humans, and can share some traits with moirallegiance.”

“Huh.” You mutter under your breath.  
  


 

* * *

 

Dirk whispers to you until your arms stop shaking, Rose and Roxy appear in the doorway, and oh, fuck. Rose sits on the bed next you and lets you hold her hand and put your head on her shoulder. Roxy settles in beside Dirk, nudges his head with her own, until he gives in and crawls into her hug. He’s crying. You’ve never seen him cry before. He just shakes, and sobs so, so quietly. It breaks your heart. Shit, you’re crying again. You glance up at Rose from behind your shades, and she’s barely holding in her own tears. Fuck, you’re all just a bunch of tools crying all over each other.

You pull on Rose’s hand lightly, and gesture with your head towards Roxy and Dirk. Carefully, you add the pair of you into the hug. 

 

* * *

 

When you wake up in the morning, Rose is still there. Roxy and Dirk are missing, you notice. You think Rose is still asleep. Sighing, you notice that your phone is blinking with new messages.

 

timaeusTestified [TT]  began pestering  turntechGodhead [TG]

TT: Dave. Roxy and I had to go to our classes, and are probably not going to be there when you wake up. 

turntechGodhead [TG]is an idle chum! 

TT: Of course, you did wake up at a completely unreasonable hour last night, so we might be done when you emerge from your room.

TT: See you in the afternoon, Dave.

timaeusTestified [TT]  ceased pestering  turntechGodhead [TG]

 

tipsyGnostalgic [TG]  began pestering  turntechGodhead [TG]

TG: hey dave!

turntechGodhead [TG] is an idle chum! 

TG: dirk said he already pestered you bout this but i wanted to do it anyway

TG: im rlly sorry about havin to leave but i rlly dont want to miss any of my classes

TG: prof will kick my ass :(

TG: ill see you after lunch!

tipsyGnostalgic [TG]  ceased pestering  turntechGodhead [TG]

 

gallowsCalibrator [GC] began trolling turntechGodhead [TG]

GC: 1 KNOW TH1S M1GHT NOT B3 TH3 B3ST T1M3 TO 4SK 4BOUT TH1S

GC: BUT 1T H4S TO B3 D1SCUSS3D

GC: WH4T DO YOU W4NT TO DO 4BOUT TH1S

TG: i dont know tz

TG: didnt you talk to mom about this

GC: 1 W4NT YOUR OP1N1ON ON TH1S

GC: H3 D1D TH1S TO YOU

GC: 4ND YOU D3S3RV3 4 S4Y 1N TH1S

TG: terezi

TG: i just dont know

TG: i thought his shit was NORMAL for years

TG: how the fuck am i supposed to decide on how to punish him for something when i cant even think of him without feelin him watching me

TG: fuck tz

TG: hes not going to take this lyin down

TG: im going to be fuckin dead when he gets to me

GC: D4V3 1 4M NOT GO1NG TO L3T TH4T H4PP3N

TG: hell kill you too tz 

TG: you DONT cross bro

TG: i fucked up so bad by landin my stupid ass in the hospital

GC: W3 4R3 GO1NG TO K33P 4LL OF YOU S4F3

TG: FUCK

TG: rose

TG: terezi hell do anything to get to me 

TG: we need to protect rose and roxy and dirk

GC: Y3S D4V3 1 KNOW

Someone else has started pestering you. You ignore them.

TG: please terezi

TG: get them somewhere safe

GC: ONLY 1F YOU GO W1TH TH3M

GC: 1 W1LL D1SCUSS 1T W1TH W4RR3N

TG: tz if i go with them they wont be safe

TG: dont you get that he wont stop until hes got me 

GC: D4V3 1 4M GO1NG TO T4LK 4BOUT S4F3TY M34SUR3S W1TH W4RR3N TOD4Y

GC: DONT WORRY

GC: 1 GOT 1T

TG: ok

TG: yeah ok

GC: S33 YOU SOON COOLK1D

gallowsCalibrator [GC] ceased trolling  turntechGodhead [TG]

Who was pestering you? You glance at you notifications as you close the conversation with Terezi. Oh. Him.

carcinoGeneticist [CG] began trolling turntechGodhead [TG]

CG: ARE YOU ALL RIGHT?

CG: I MEAN, I REALLY DON’T KNOW SHIT ABOUT HUMAN EMOTIONS AND YOUR REACTIONS TO THEM, SO YOU COULD BE TOTALLY FINE, AND I’M JUST LOOKING LIKE A DOUCHEBAG, BUT REALLY.

CG: ARE YOU OKAY?

You wipe the tears you hadn’t noticed earlier out of your eyes.

TG: yeah bro i am the chillest

CG: MY SHEER LACK OF UNDERSTANDING OF THAT SENTENCE IS APPALLING.

TG: im flattered that youre concerned but didnt you block me yesterday

TG: did my lovely scene last night tickle your empathy nodes

CG: I DO NOT KNOW WHAT ‘EMPATHY NODES’ ARE AND I AM PRETTY SURE TROLLS DO NOT HAVE THEM.

TG: what a shame man

TG: and here i thought you actually cared

CG: WHAT THE FUCK AM I SUPPOSED TO CARE ABOUT?

CG: FUCK, I KNEW MY SCHOOLFEED WAS SHIT, BUT I HAVE THE SMALLEST FUCKING IDEA WHAT YOU ARE TRYING TO GET ACROSS.

TG: whats a schoolfeed

CG: IT’S A EDUCATION PROGRAM. DO YOU NOT HAVE THEM? SHIT, YOUR SPECIES IS EVEN DUMBER THAN I THOUGHT.

TG: we have school if thats what you mean

CG: THIS IS NOT WHAT I CAME HERE TO TALK ABOUT.

CG: ARE YOU OKAY?

TG: did tz put you up to this

TG: because she already talked to me man

CG: *FUCK YOU*. TEREZI DID NOT PUT ME UP TO SHIT, YOU LEAKING BILESACK.

TG: theres the karkat from before

TG: hey dude i knew you were in there somewhere

CG: FUCK OFF, DOUCHEWAD. I COME HERE WITH GENUINE CONCERN FOR YOUR WELL-BEING, AND WHAT AM I GREETED WITH? DOUCHEBAGGERY. I SHOULD HAVE FUCKING KNOWN.

TG: wow 

CG: KEEP YOUR HUMAN ‘WOW’ TO YOURSELF, NOOKBITE.

TG: you never told me what a nook was

TG: im gonna look it up

CG: DON’T

CG: FUCKING DON’T DOUCHECANOE.

TG: i now know why you said not to

TG: i have many regrets and this is definitely one of them 

TG: i dont think i can continue talking to you right now

CG: YES. GET THE FUCK OUT.

TG: bye bro

turntechGodhead [TG] ceased pestering  carcinoGeneticist [CG]

You glance at Rose, who’s still sleeping. You let out a breath, and settle in next to her.

It’s going to be okay, you tell yourself.

You wish you wouldn’t lie to yourself like that.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> as always, my tumblr is olivetheowl


	7. A Month Past

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> One month past, and they are no closer to catching Derick Strider than before.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i just realized that i never really explained how the ages or family relations work in this  
> b/c you know, thats important shit  
> so rose, dave, and jade are 16, but johns still 15  
> dirks 18, and roxy is 19  
> jane and jake are also in that range  
> karkats 16 (7 sweeps), kanaya is 17 (7 sweeps) and terezi is 19 (8 sweeps)  
> so family shit  
> uh  
> dave and rose are twins, and dirks their half-brother. hes bros kid, but not momlondes. roxy is dave and roses cousin and isnt technically related to dirk but theyre all pretty tight knit familywise  
> jane and john are sibs and jade and jake are cousins

ectoBiologist [EB] began pestering  turntechGodhead [TG] 

EB: dave!

TG: yo egderp

TG: whats up

EB: i’ve got something to tell you.

EB: i probably should have told you sooner but…

TG: are you waiting for me to respond for suspense john

TG: because i know youre not that slow of a typer

EB: hehe :B

EB: okay, you caught me.

EB: but i’m a dad now!

TG: what the fuck

TG: what the actual fuck john

EB: i have a daughter and her name is casey! :)

TG: did rose put you up to this to fuck with me

TG: john youre fifteen

TG: the baby of the friend group cant have a baby

EB: i’ll send you a picture of her!

TG: oh god youre serious

EB: she’s the cutest!

ectoBiologist [EB] sent a [image](https://i.pinimg.com/736x/02/d3/cd/02d3cd69736d5747aa6403b719d24736--shelled-angelo.jpg)!

TG: john that is a lizard

EB: don’t be rude dave!

EB: she’s a salamander!

EB: and my daughter!

TG: john you fuck

TG: why do i put up with your shit

EB: because i’m your best bro!

TG: yeah

TG: true

TG: yo imma grab some mad snacks

TG: brb dude

Tucking your phone in your pocket, you rush out of the room, grinning wildly at the stairs. This, you have decided, is best part of living in a proper house. You jump onto the rail, sliding down each flight in turn. You’re giggling your ass off. Fuck, this is so uncool.

You can’t bring yourself to care.

Reaching the end of the last flight, you launch yourself off the railing, flashstepping across the landing.

Oh. Okay, maybe shouldn't have gone that fast. You clutch your ribs as you wheeze. After ruling yourself well enough to go without the wheelchair, hell yeah Doctor Dave, we are doing this, makin' it happen, you walk into the kitchen, clambering onto the counter and grabbing three packets of dry instant noodles, and producing an apple juice box from the fridge. You exit the room, and jog up the stairs. Entering your room, you deposit two of the three noodle packets in the closet, and rip open the package containing the straw for your apple juice. Your, sweet, sweet AJ. Stabbing the carton, you open pesterchum on your computer.

TG: im back

TG: john where did you go man

TG: john

TG: my bestest bro

TG: where did you go

TG: did i not get some hint

TG: or is avoidant behavior all fresh mint

EB: chill, dave.

EB: i just decided that snacks were a good idea too! :B

TG: ah

TG: cool cool

TG also please never call that lizard your daughter ever again

EB: dave! :(

EB: but casey IS my daughter!

EB: i adopted her.

EB: rose even has a nickname for her!

TG: really

TG: oh my god

TG: do i really want to know

TG: does it have anything to do with tentacles

EB: fortunately, no.

TG: ok i think it is vaguely safe

TG: what is it

EB: viceroy bubbles von salamancer.

TG: what

TG: rose

TG: holy shit

TG: isnt salamancer a fuckin pokemon

EB: no, it’s salamence.

TG: ok ill admit my pokemon knowledge is a bit rusty

TG: but you corrected that embarrassingly quickly bro

EB: i have the names of all the pokemon memorized dave.

TG: you absolute fuckin NERD

TG: i cannot believe youre my best bro

TG: actually though

TG: all of them

EB: yep.

TG: god

TG: youre fuckin ridiculous

 

tipsyGnostalgic [TG] began pestering turntechGodhead [TG]

TG: yo lil bro

TG: troll buddies r here

TG: stabby yelly and roses crush

TG: the whole gang

TG: yeah rox ill come down in a minute

turntechGodhead [TG] ceased pestering tipsyGnostalgic [TG]

 

TG: yo john the troll gangs here

EB: yeah your troll friends!

EB: they seem pretty cool.

TG: tz and kanaya are

TG: karkats the literal antithesis of cool though

TG: i think youd like them

TG: in your nonironic egbertian fashion

TG: i can give you tzs handle if you wanna chat with her

TG: karkat and kanaya would rather i not give out their trolltags to strangers on the internet

TG: stranger danger and all

EB: sure!

EB: you can give my handle to them if you want!

TG: gallowsCalibrator

TG: yeah ok i wont hog all the aliens

TG: i gotta go say hi to them now

EB: bye! :B

TG: chat later

turntechGodhead [TG] ceased pestering ectoBiologist [EB]

Making your way (normally!) down the stairs, you spot the completely mismatched pair of Terezi and Karkat. TZ is, as usual, wearing an absolutely hideous, completely nonsensical outfit. You have a deep ironic love for it. The contrast of Karkat’s ever-present monochrome wardrobe makes you want to photograph them. You'd zoom in ever so slightly, catching the way the light reflects of Karkat’s amber sclera as he turns to snarl at you for taking his picture.

It'd be a nice picture, you think.

But, unfortunately, you don't have your camera on you, and fuck, what’s the point of just getting a shitty one on your phone? You’d have it, yeah, but it would forever be just a shell, a shadow of it’s full potential. You debate flashstepping up the stairs and grabbing the film camera.

You decide on walking down the rest of the stairs and flashing them a side smirk instead.

“Hey TZ, Karkat. What brings you to this humble abode?”

“Only the smell of cherry coolkids and the request for legal aid by Ms. Bubblegum!” Terezi’s voice grates into your ear canals in a way you are far to familiar with by now. Karkat squints at her and replies.

“What she meant to say, Strider, is that the stench of your idiocy could be detected all the way from our hivestem, so we came to see what stupid thing you did this time.” He’s sneering. You kinda want to flick his nose.

“Crabcakes!” Terezi’s false screech of offence startles Jaspers the Second, who returns it with a screech of his own, before running off into one of the currently uninhabited rooms. “If that was what I had meant, I would have just told him!”

“I know this, and I love you.” Your quotes go unnoticed by the squabbling trolls, who have decided that Roxy dragging Dirk into the room is more important than your memes. Sigh. You are unappreciated in your time.

“Orange Creamsicles!” Terezi greets him. “Haven’t smelt you in a while!”

“There may be a reason for that.” Dirk looks fucking exhausted. You’re pretty sure this is the first time he’s left his apartment in a week. “I can’t find fucking anything on his location. He just fucking dropped off the face of the earth.”

“Yeah, we haven’t got a single ping on him since he was spotted entering Louisiana two weeks ago.” Terezi says. “It’s kind of surprising, considering the amount of recording devices you humans use.” You glance around the room.

“Kanaya not with you today?” You hop off the last stair.

Karkat answers. “No, she’s here. She just decided that spending time with Rose was of a higher priority at the moment.” He looks… kind of disappointed, you think. Maybe,... envious? Fuck, is he trying to do a romance square with her? Because you still don’t understand that that whole fuckfest, despite being thoroughly ‘schoolfed’ by Karkat about it. Apparently ‘schoolfeeding’ is troll code for ‘yelling directly into somebody’s ears about inconsequential things in an exceedingly annoying manner’. But he looks vaguely like a kicked puppy, if kicked puppies were five foot troll dudes with nubby horns and the screeching abilities of one of Rose’s eldritch horrors. He’s kinda cute though, you gotta admit. Almost velvety-looking grey skin, as if you knew what velvet looked like before arriving here, ha. His teeth stick out over his lips, which are, damn, probably the plushest fucking thing you’ve ever seen, and he’s got Bro’s 'professionally' manufactured puppet ass to compete with-

“Dave?” Fuck, you zoned out. What Karkat saying? Rose, right? Yeah, Rose and Kanaya.

“Not sure that was the best idea.” You’re talking on autopilot, fuck, why were you thinking about Karkat’s lips? “Rose’s tutor’s with her today, they’re learning all the fuckin’ things, she’s goin’ on ‘bout how Rose’s gotta be a proper lady, walk with books balanced ‘top her head instead of stuffin’ them through her eyeballs,” Fuck, lips as plush as puppet ass, what the fuck is wrong with you? “But no, Rose ain’t havin’ that shit, she’s gonna stuff all the tentacle monster porno novels down her ocular canals, no old teacher lady’s gonna stop her, she’s doin’ it out of spite now I swear-”

“Dave!” Karkat’s yelling again. “Where’s Rose? Kanaya’s probably got a hold of her scent by now, and apparently whatever a ‘tutor’ is,” He actually air-quotes, shit that’s cu- no no _fuck_ no, “she shouldn’t be around Rose with this mystery human there.”

“A tutor’s a fancy-people at-home school person that comes to your house and teaches you. At least, I think so, I mean I never really went to school properly an’ all, but neither did Rose?” Your mouth is moving, words are coming out, you can’t stop looking at Karkat’s _stupid fucking face_.

“Are you fucking trying to tell me that you’ve never been fucking schoolfed?” Where did Dirk and Roxy go? Shit, TZ’s gone too. “Shit, Strider, this explains _so fucking much of your bullshit._ ”

“Explains so fucking much of whose bullshit?” Rose, your savior. Kanaya trails in behind her, and you think you can hear Rose’s tutor cursing about sneaky aliens giving her heart attacks under her breath.

“Mine, apparently, dear sister.”

“Ah, yes. Whose would it be except for yours.” She’s grinning at you.

“I would say Karkat’s here, but he was the one yelling about someone else’s bullshit, so I suppose it wouldn’t work with the situation.” You return her grin with a lopsided smirk of your own.

“Karkat,” Rose says, “if you are still interested, I have the romantic comedy you displayed interest in. We could watch it here, if you’d like.”

 

* * *

 

Romcoms, you decide, are not the greatest experience on their own, but Karkat’s reaction and post-movie rant more than make up for the predictable plot and overdramatic sloppy makeouts.

Seriously though, _overdramatic sloppy makeouts._ Keep your tongues to your fucking selves, goddamn, this is rated PG 13.

When Karkat pauses his rant, takes a breath as you visibly see him prepare to launch into another tirade, Terezi pops her head into the room.

“Karkat, Kanaya!” She shouts across from the kitchen. “Landlady called and apparently we’re getting complained about again.”

“Really,” Kanaya says mildly, “who is it this time?”

“Somebody on the floor below us.” Terezi grimaces, “We might get kicked out if we get any more complaints.” Karkat wilts.

“What do these assholes have against us?” He runs a hand through his hair, and oh, wow. You need to stop ogling him, right about fucking now. “What have we fucking done?”

“Exist, probably.” Terezi successfully hits all the chairs with her cane as she makes her way over to the four of you.

“I am concerned about finding another location to stay if we cannot reside at our current hive.” Kanaya walks over to Terezi, Karkat following her. You glance at Rose, but she is currently watching the trolls with increasing fascination.

“You know, you could probably stay here if it comes to that.” Roxy walks in, followed by Dirk. “It’s not like we’re lacking in space here.”

“I’ll run it through Mother tomorrow,” Rose agrees from beside you on the couch. Brushing off nonexistent crumbs from her skirt, she stands and joins the rest of them. You stick your hands in your pockets, and head into the kitchen too, if only not to been seen like a gigantic douche. Well, it’s not like you aren’t a gigantic douche, but you’d really rather not be seen as one in front of Rose’s potential girlfriend and Karkat. Who probably already thinks that you are a gigantic douche, although he definitely has good reason to. You were a bit of an ass when you first talked. Why the fuck do you care about what Karkat thinks of you?

“Dave?” Rose is looking at you. “Are you alright?”

“Totally, I am one-hundred percent okay, I am the alrightest, it is me.” Fuck, your voice is shaking. Karkat’s looking at you, eyebrows knitted. Rose’s shoulders drop. “Come on.” She takes your wrist, and you feel Karkat’s gaze leave you. You feel cold. Rose leads you away from the group, and up the stairs.

When you enter your room, she sits on the foot of the bed.

“What’s going on, Dave?”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> [my tumblr](http://olivetheowl.tumblr.com/)


	8. Moirallegiance

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> warning: direct references to culling
> 
> ayy another update

“I just don’t know what these feelings all are, Rose.” She runs her fingers through your hair, and taps her nail on the arm of your glasses. When you nod, she pulls them off, and sets them on the nightstand.

“If you want, you could tell me how they feel, and I could possibly put words to them.”

“Okay. Yeah, okay.” You can do this. You suck air into your lungs, and slowly let it out, like Roxy taught you. “It’s kinda stupid, I mean, I just was looking at Karkat, and then I felt all gross, and breathing was hard, and I felt really cold, and I just didn’t know what to do, and I just _stood there,_ Rose, I didn’t know what to do.”

“Anxiety can manifest in many ways, but that definitely sounds like it,” She muses. “Were you thinking of anything that could have set you off?”

“I don’t know, really.” You’re deflecting. “It’s just, I mean, kinda, Rose, I felt like someone had scooped out my insides and filled me with helium, like the world’s shittiest balloon. Karkat was just there, looking all almost right but not, and then I just kept thinking these _things_ and I couldn’t stop, I almost didn’t want to stop, and I don’t know why, it’s so fucking _stupid._ ”

“It’s okay, Dave.” She runs her thumb over your eyebrow. “Maybe cognitive dissonance.”

“What’s that?”

“Inconsistent thoughts, beliefs, or attitudes, typically pertaining to change in attitude and behaviour.”

“In English, please.”

“One explanation comprehensible to the average Texan?”

“Rose, I am anything but average. Have you seen me?”

“So I can use the fancy words, as you so aptly describe them?”

You slide a little more into a lying position. “Nah.”

“Alright, Dave. I will cater to your probable mental exhaustion and limited vocabulary, no matter how frustrating the latter can be.”

“Excuse _you,_ Rose. You cannot spin my ill beats with a _limited vocabulary._ You know how it goes, Rose, the beats with the bros, the prose that got you a’froze, I disclose, you know I’ve been doin’ this since we were both embryos, yo.”

She chuckles.

“Okay. Cognitive dissonance is when you have some conflicting thoughts, beliefs, or attitudes. It usually causes some mental distress, and often ends with some beliefs or attitudes being changed.”

“I think I got most of that.”

“Feeling any better?” You shrug your shoulders.

“A bit, yeah.”

“Anything else you want to talk about?” Rose asks, and your entire body tense, but you force it to relax. This is _Rose._ She isn’t gonna hurt you.

What _do_ you want to talk about?

 

* * *

 

 

adiosToreador [AT] began trolling carcinoGeneticist [CG]

AT: hEY, uH, kARKAT,

carcinoGeneticist [CG] is idle.

AT: aPPARENTLY, i’M THE CLOSEST TO THE SATELLITE CHAIN, sO I WAS GIVEN THE JOB OF TELLING YOU THIS,

AT: eVEN THOUGH WE DO NOT KNOW EACH OTHER VERY WELL, aND I AM PROBABLY NOT THE BEST PERSON TO TELL YOU THIS

AT: bUT, uH, sOLLUX WAS CULLED

AT: wE JUST FOUND HIM

AT: iT, uH, lOOKS PRETTY BAD,

AT: aND, wELL, wE’RE NOT SURE HE’LL SURVIVE

CG: FUCK

CG: FUCKING SHIT SOLLUX.

CG: WHO’S WITH HIM?

AT: uH, aRADIA IS WITH HIM RIGHT NOW

AT: fEFERI SAYS SHE’S ON HER WAY TO HIS LOCATION, aND THINKS THAT MAYBE HER STATUS AS HEIRESS COULD GET HIM INTO A GOOD HEALING COON

carcinoGeneticist [CG] began trolling grimAuxiliatrix [GA]

CG: KANAYA

GA: Hello Karkat

CG: SOLLUX WAS CULLED

CG: PLEASE COME BACK TO OUR HIVE.

GA: Give Me A Minute

GA: I Am On My Way

carcinoGeneticist [CG] ceased trolling  grimAuxiliatrix [GA]

AT: bUT I’M NOT SURE

AT: hIS MUTATION IS EXTENSIVE AND GIVING HEALTHCARE TO A CULLED TROLL WHO ISN’T YOUR QUADRANT IS TECHNICALLY TREASON

AT: i DON’T THINK ANYONE WOULD RISK IT

AT: aRE YOU STILL THERE?

CG: I HAD TO TELL KANAYA. THEY WEREN'T HATEFRIENDS, AND SHE DIDN’T TALK TO HIM ON A REGULAR BASIS OR ANYTHING, BUT I STILL FELT LIKE I SHOULD TELL HER.

AT: tEREZI MENTIONED SOMETHING TO VRISKA ABOUT THE TWO OF YOU BEING MOIRAILS,,

CG: EXCUSE ME.

AT: oR AT LEAST THATS WHAT VRISKA SAID,

CG: WHAT THE *FUCK*!

CG: THAT'S *NONE* OF HER FUCKING BUSINESS!

AT: iM NOT SURE IF SHES TWISTING IT AROUND OR NOT,

AT: jUST TO BE A BITCH,

AT: aS SHE USUALLY IS,

AT: bUT NEPETA WAS VERY EXCITED ABOUT ONE OF HER SHIPS SAILING

AT: sHE WAS TALKING ABOUT IT ALL NIGHT, iT WAS KIND OF, cUTE

CG: UGH, I HAVE DEALT WITH ENOUGH RELATIONSHIP BULLSHIT OVER THE ENTIRE TIME I HAVE BEEN ON EARTH THAN I EVER FUCKING NEEDED OR WANTED. PLEASE DO NOT ADD TO THE FESTERING PILE OF RELATIONSHIP CRAP.

CG: AS STRIDER WOULD SAY, WOE IS FUCKING ME.

AT: wHAT IS WOE

AT: iS THAT A HUMAN NAME

CG: **NO!**

CG: WHAT THE FUCK, TAVROS?

CG: HOW WOULD YOUR THINKSPONGE EVEN COME TO THAT CONCLUSION?

CG: FUCK THIS, YOU DELIVERED YOUR MESSAGE, CONTACT MISSION CONTROL, YOU HAVE SUCCEEDED. YOU ARE DONE. PLEASE FUCKING LEAVE ME ALONE NOW.

AT: iF YOU INSIST,

AT: sOMEBODY, mAYBE ME, wILL CONTACT YOU WITH NEWS OF SOLLUX’S STATE LATER,,

AT: bYE }:(

adiosToreador [AT] ceased trolling  carcinoGeneticist [CG]

 

* * *

 

 

“You sorta know about this, but…” You trail off. Do you really want to get into this? “When I was still with Bro, I wasn’t really _real,_ y’know?” She murmurs assent. “I was whatever he wanted me to be, and now I’m here, and I don’t have be the person he wanted me to be anymore. But I haven’t changed. I’m still _fucking terrified_ of doing anything that he would have been against, _and there isn’t even a fucking reason for me to be.”_ Your voice shakes and rises to a scared pitch you will never admit you can do.

“That’s normal, Dave. You were there for a long time, the instincts and defense mechanisms that you developed as a result aren’t going to go away overnight.”

“I know, Rose. I just feel like even though he’s not here to hurt me, I’m still under his thumb. I hate it.”

“What do you want to do about it?” She asks, and fuck, _what do_ you want to do about it?

“I just want to prove that I’m my own person, ya’know. Just do something, anything, that I couldn’t do before.” Break free of these _stupid fucking metaphorical chains._

“Dave, you are your own person.You might not feel like it right now, but you are. You don’t have to prove it to anyone.” Rose pauses. “What do you want to do?”

“Uh. Paint my nails or some shit. I dunno. He had this idea that I had to be a ‘perfect man’, which is really fuckin’ creepy when you think about it.”

“That is quite disturbing. So, hypermasculinity was ingrained in your upbringing.” Rose taps her fingers on your shoulder. “We could paint your nails if you want.”

“Yeah. Okay. Where do you keep the nail stuff?”

“In the fridge.”

“What.”

“It's all in the fridge.”

“Why do you keep _nail polish_ in the fridge?”

“Nail varnish stays better longer if kept in a cold environment, Dave.” She’s grinning at you. You allow yourself to smile back.

 

* * *

 

You’re a giant sobbing mess by the time Kanaya returns.

“Mothergrub,” she curses, before scooping you up and carrying you to the raised sleeping platform. She arranges the snuggleplanes and pillows around you in a meager pile, and rushes out of the room to gather more. By the time she’s done, a decent pile has been amassed. She climbs in, joining you in the pile.

“Shoosh.” Kanaya paps your temple lightly. You hiccup, letting your tears trail down your cheeks.

“I knew he was going to get culled, Kan, he was like me, but I let him stay there like a fucking idiot, what kind of pan damaged wiggler am I?”

“Shoosh. Karkat, it isn’t your fault. You couldn’t have made him come here.” Kanaya’s hand moves from your temple to your cheek. “And he hasn’t died.”

“Not yet!” You cry into her shoulder. “He’s dying, and no one that isn’t pan-addled would help a culled mutant!”

“His matesprit is the heiress, Karkat. Feferi will make sure he’s alright.” She shooshes you again, and you curl up against her, allowing the papping to do it’s job.

“He’s my friend, Kan, and I abandoned him halfway across the fucking galaxy.” Your voice is tiny. “I knew what would happen to him. I couldn’t even convince him to fucking save his own shitty life.”

“If it is any comfort, he knew this would happen eventually too.” Kanaya says. You sniffle and push your cartilaginous nub into her neck. You trace diamonds into her back and rub at your eyes with your free hand.

Pushing back, you look up at her. You're decently calm now. “Do you have anything you want to talk about?” You don’t want this to be a one sided thing.

“Are you sure you want to stop talking about this now?”

“Yeah.” You answer, “I feel a bit better now. And I really don’t want this to be one-sided, Kanaya.”

“There is nothing as emotionally taxing as what we just discussed, but I suppose I have a few things we could talk about.” You can practically _feel_ the diamonds forming in your eyes, you’re that pale for her. “My relationship with Rose is confusing, to say the least.” You reach up and hesitantly pap her cheek. She smiles at you, and _oh, damn._ So fucking _pale._ “She is definitely flirting with me, however, she is being very unclear as to which quadrant she is flirting in.”

“And here I thought she was the more educated one, especially on this subject.” You say, remembering Dave’s blatant disregard for the mere subject of quadrants.

“Yes, she is.” Kanaya laughs. “If I remember correctly, you plan on ‘buying a book on quadrants, and smack him with it, and hopefully he’ll be more open to the subject’. Although, not in those exact words.”

“So, what quadrants is she flirting in?” You ask.

“Flushed and pale, mostly.” You glance up at her quickly. Apparently, she can read your expressions with ease, because she is quick to reassure you. “Karkat, I assure you that my feelings for Rose reside firmly in the flushed quadrant.”

“She could be pale for you, though.” As always, you enjoy ruining all your relationships in a spectacular fashion. “If I remember correctly, most human relationships are a mix of red and pale.”

“Yes, you have told me about this.” She looks into your eyes. “I promise that if I engage in a relationship with her, if it goes anywhere near a moirallegiance, I will come and discuss it with you.”

“We’ll figure it out when it comes to it, huh?” You feel weak.

“Perhaps we should discuss this with Rose.” Kanaya muses. “I, for one, am very interested in engaging in a flushed relationship with her, but if human relationships typically involve a pale element, perhaps we can come to an agreement with her that makes us all happy.” She glances back at you. “What do you think?”

“Yeah. Okay.” You nod. “It’s a pretty fucking good idea.”

 

* * *

 

“Oh hell yeah, look at this shit.” You grin at your newly painted nails. They’re a bright, shiny red, meticulously painted by one hell of a twin sister. “You’re a fuckin’ wizard with this shit!”

“A wizard, you say?” Rose quirks an eyebrow at you.

“Okay, maybe shouldn’t have mentioned the old bearded magic men.” Ah, yes, the familiar feeling of impending regret.

“Which wizard are you comparing me to, Dave?” You know that grin all too well. You groan. “Are we talking more Merlin or Gandalf? Or possibly Prospero, although I would not expect you to know who he is.”

“Rose, no.”

“Faust, perhaps? I would not take him off the list.” She dances out of range from your flailing limbs.

“Why, Rose, do you do this to me?” You collapse back onto the bed. “What ever did I do to deserve such treatment?”

“Oh, you know, Dave. It’s the Lalonde-Strider tradition. The Lalonde of the pair taunts the Strider with their respective love and disgust of wizards.”

“That sounds like a fucking awful tradition, Rose." You laugh -an honest, pure laugh, probably the first one to escape you since childhood "I love it.”

 

* * *

 

 

terminallyCapricious [TC] began trolling  carcinoGeneticist [CG]

TC: HeY kArBrO.

TC: hOnK.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> [my tumblr](http://olivetheowl.tumblr.com/), as always


	9. Prelude

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> warnings: general douchebaggery?

CG: WHY THE FUCK ARE YOU TROLLING ME?

TC: CaN’t An InVeRtIbRoThEr ChEcK uP oN hIs MoThErFuCkIn BeSt FrIeNd?

CG: NOT FUCKING TODAY.

TC: aLrIgHt, If ThAt’S hOw YoU wAnNa Be ToDaY.

TC: I’m AcTuAlLy Up AnD hErE aT tHe ReQuEsT oF tAvBrO.

CG: IF YOU ARE HERE TO FUCKING WAX SHITTY SLAM POETRY ABOUT YOUR MATESPRIT, I WILL BLOCK YOUR FUCKING ASS SO FUCKING QUICK, IT WILL BE LIKE MY TOUCH FROND FUCKING TELEPORTED.

TC: nAh.

TC: I’vE gOt SoMe MoThErFuCkiN nEwS fRoM aRaSiS.

TC: sOlBrO’s In A hEaLiNg CoOn.

CG: OH, THANK HUMAN GOD.

TC: MiRaCleS.

CG: SHUT YOUR PANIC HOLE ABOUT YOUR SHITTY FUCKING MIRACLES.

CG: I AM NOT HERE FOR THEM, I AM NEVER FUCKING HERE FOR THEM.

CG: I AM PREPARED TO SCREAM SO FUCKING LOUDLY I WILL SHATTER YOUR AURAL SPONGE CLOTS FROM HALFWAY ACROSS THE FUCKING GODDAMN GALAXY.

TC: tHaT, bRo WoUlD bE a MoThErFuCkIn MiRaCle In ItSeLf.

CG: FUCK YOU.

TC: ;o)

CG: DON’T CLOWN WINK AT ME, YOU FUCK.

TC: WhAt’S uP oN yOuR eNd, KaRbRo?

TC: tHeRe’S bEeN a LoT oF tAlK aBoUt wHaT yOuR gEtTiN yOuR mOtHeRfUcKiN dO oN wItH yOu BeIn On An AlIeN pLaNeT aNd AlL.

TC: I gEt My MoThErFuCkIn WoRrY oN aBoUt YoU, bEsT fRiEnD.

CG: I MEAN, JUST BEING AROUND TEREZI MAKES THINGS INTERESTING ENOUGH.

TC: oH, dO i KnOw WhAt YoU mEaN, iNvErTiBrOtHeR.

CG: SHE’S DRAGGED KANAYA AND I INTO ONE OF HER CASES. WHICH WOULDN’T NECESSARILY BE A BAD THING, PER SE, BUT THE VICTIM IN HER CASE IS FUCKING INSUFFERABLE. I AM FAIRLY SHOCKED THAT I DO NOT FLY INTO A HIGHBLOOD RAGE WHENEVER HE DECIDES TO GRACE MY GANDERBULBS WITH HIS AWFUL PRESENCE.

TC: YoU sHoOtIn SpAdEs At A hUmAn, KaRbRo?

CG: WHAT? *NO*. I AM NOT FUCKING PITCH FOR HIS INCREDIBLY FLAT ASS.

You’re not pitch for Dave. Hell, you don’t even hate him platonically. Yes, he’s irritating and awful and sometimes makes you want to stick your head up your nook because of his idiocy, you can’t deny that he’s fucking pitybait. He's gone through so much hoofbeastshit, it's fucking impossible not to pity him. Impossible not to see him and want to try and mold all his broken pieces back together.

You want to know what stupid fragile human lips taste like.

What the fuck.

You should talk to Kanaya about this.

Should you? Fuck, your feelings could be construed as pale, couldn’t they. Fucking shit. You take a deep breath. Kanaya’s your moirail, and you have to be honest with her. Fuck, is this how she felt before she told you that Rose was sort of hitting on her paleways, in her own weird human fashion?

You need to talk to her. Later, though.

TC: kArBrO?

TC: YoU tHeRe?

TC: oH mAN, I wIsH yOu WeRe HeRe To sEe ThIs.

TC: FeFsIs JuSt MoThErFuCkInG dEsTrOyEd ErIbRo.

CG: DID SHE DUMP HIS PATHETIC ASS? BECAUSE FUCKING *FINALLY*.

TC: hElL tO tHe YeS, mOtHeRfUcKeR.

TC: YoU sEe, BeSt FrIeNd, I uP aNd WeNt To ThE pLaCe WhErE tHeY sTuCk SoLbRo In OnE oF tHoSe FaNcY mOtHeRfUcKiN hEaLiNg CoOnS bEcAuSe TaVbRo AsKeD mE tO, AnD yOu KnOw I cAn’T sAy No WhEn He AsKs Me.

TC: sO, I gEt ThErE, sTaRt TrOlLiNg yOu, AnD sHiT gOeS mOtHeRfUcKiN dOwN.

TC: TaVbRo ToLd Me ThAt ErIdAn WaS fLuSh FlIrTiNg WiTh FeFsIs, AnD sHe WaS jUsT iGnOrInG iT bEcAuSe ShE nEeDeD tO uP aNd MoThErFuCkIn FoCuS oN sOlBrO.

TC: fEfSiS gEtS uP aNd MoThErFuCkiN iN hIs FaCe AbOuT iT oNcE sHe GoT hIm In ThE cOoN, aNd ThEn ShE mOtHeRfUcKiN rIpS eRiBrO a NeW nOoK.

TC: ShIt WaS mOtHeRfUcKiN mIrThFul.

CG: YOU SEE, THIS WASN’T COMPLETELY AWFUL UNTIL YOU FUCKING MENTIONED YOUR CLOWN RELIGION.

CG: ALSO UNTIL I CAME TO THE REALIZATION THAT FEFERI DUMPING ERIDIAN WILL JUST MAKE HIM COME TO ME WITH HIS FUCKING PROBLEMS, AND I’VE ALREADY GOT A FUCKING MOIRAIL.

TC: oOoOh.

TC: WhAt Is Up AnD mOtHeRfUcKiN gOiNg On WiTh ThAt, KaRbRo?

CG: NONE OF YOUR FUCKING BUSINESS IS WHAT.

TC: bEsT fRiEnD :o(

CG: LISTEN, GAMZEE. YOU’RE NOT MY MOIRAIL ANYMORE, AND IT ISN’T ANY OF YOUR FUCKING BUSINESS THAT I AM IN A MOIRALLEGIANCE WITH SOMEONE ELSE NOW.

CG: AND IF YOU DON’T FUCKING STEP OFF I WILL BLOCK YOU, AND ALSO PROBABLY BRAVE THE DEPTHS OF HY HUSKTOP TO FIND A VIRUS THAT WILL WREAK HAVOC ON YOURS.

TC: WiLl YoU sEt ReZsIs On Me ToO?

CG: NO, BECAUSE SHE DESERVES BETTER THAN YOU, AND ALSO BECAUSE SHE DUMPED YOUR ASS SWEEPS AGO. THE TWO OF YOU NEEDED MORE AUSPISTICIZING THAN ANY OF US COULD PROVIDE.

TC: aWw.

CG: FUCKING KEEP YOUR RESIDUAL PITCH FEELINGS FOR HER AWAY FROM THIS TROLLOG.

TC: FiIiInE.

TC: oH, tAvBrO wAnTs To TaLk To Me NoW.

TC: I’lL tRoLl YoU lAtEr, BeSt FrIeNd.

TC: :o)

CG: GOOD RIDDANCE, YOU FUCKING CLOWN.

terminallyCapricious [TC]  ceased trolling  carcinoGeneticist [CG]

You wince as the sound of china breaking echos from the hive below you, and the cursing starts up. Well, looks like you won’t being getting any quiet for the next couple hours.

carcinoGeneticist [CG] began trolling  grimAuxiliatrix [GA]

CG: I’M GOING TO DAVE’S HIVE, IF YOU COME BACK AND I’M NOT THERE, THAT’S PROBABLY WHERE I AM.

grimAuxiliatrix [GA] is idle.

CG: <>

carcinoGeneticist [CG] ceased trolling grimAuxiliatrix [GA]

Pocketing your phone and grabbing your husktop and a couple of movie grubs, which you stuff in a bag, you head out of the building.

 

* * *

 

ectoBiologist [EB] began pestering  turntechGodhead [TG]

EB: DAVE!!

TG: woah bro

TG: whats up

EB: HOW can you be FRIENDS with her!?

TG: uh

TG: not really sure why im being yelled at here

EB: TEREZI!

TG: oh yeah

TG: tzs the coolest

EB: NO DAVE!

EB: she is NOT!

EB: >:B

EB: she is so fucking aggravating!

TG: you sure shes not just fucking with you

TG: because thats part of her sexy space lawyer shtick

EB: oh no.

EB: do you LIKE her?

TG: what no

TG: she’s too old for me

TG: shes like 19

EB: ...

TG: i mean like i had a teeny crush when i first met her

TG: it was unrealistic and i got over it

TG: shit hold on

TG: karkats messaging me

TG: brb

carcinoGeneticist [CG] began trolling  turntechGodhead [TG]

CG: HEY

CG: I’M COMING TO YOUR HIVE BECAUSE THE BULGESUCKERS THAT LIVE IN MY HIVESTEM ARE BEING UNBEARABLY FUCKING LOUD AGAIN.

CG: DAVE?

CG: I KNOW YOU’RE THERE, IT WOULD TELL ME IF YOU WERE OFFLINE.

CG: IS SOMETHING GOING ON?

TG: nah

CG: DAVE!

TG: someone else was pestering me

TG: its chill

TG: is kanaya coming over too

CG: NO, SHE’S OUT RIGHT NOW.

CG: SHE’S BEEN REALLY INTO ONE OF HER PROJECTS LATELY.

TG: ok cool

TG: rose is out with roxy rn

TG: you know that youre always welcome here

TG: you do know that right

CG: YES.

CG: IT’S JUST A LITTLE WEIRD THAT YOU ARE SO OPEN TO OTHER PEOPLE BEING IN YOUR HIVE.

CG: TROLLS DON’T REALLY DO THAT.

TG: yeah

TG: to be honest i would think its a bit weird that you only interacted with others through messaging

TG: but i also did that up until recently

TG: question

CG: YEAH?

TG: are you walking and texting

TG: because thats dangerous bro

CG: I’M ON YOUR MULTI-PERSON PUBLIC TRANSPORTATION CAN.

TG: do you mean the bus

CG: IS THAT WHAT YOU CALL IT?

TG: yeah

TG: troll words are the best

CG: YOU FUCKING BET THEY ARE.

TG: you bringing some of your alien chick flicks or can i choose one from my library

CG: I HAVE SOME MOVIE GRUBS WITH ME.

TG: ok

TG: ill make some popcorn

TG: can you even eat popcorn

TG: hold on im looking it up

TG: ok you can

TG: nice

TG: im gonna go make some

TG: see you soon

CG: YEAH.

turntechGodhead [TG] ceased pestering carcinoGeneticist [CG]

TG: im back

TG: karkats coming over

TG: gonna make some popcorn

EB: are you going to watch alien movies?

TG: yep

EB: dave you have to tell be about them!

TG: not really sure youd be interested bro

TG: karkats really into romcoms

TG: and im 100% sure thats what were going to be watching

EB: dave.

EB: ALIEN

EB: MOVIES.

TG: ok fine you nerd

TG: im going to make popcorn now

TG: talk later bro

turntechGodhead [TG]  ceased pestering ectoBiologist [EB]

 

* * *

 

arachnidsGrip [AG]  began trolling  carcinoGeneticist [CG]

AG: Vaaaaaaaantas.

CG: FUCK OFF.

AG: Hey, 8e a little nicer to your superiors, especially the ones that helped you leave Alternia.

AG: It’s not like I’m actually here to talk to you anyways.

CG: WOW, YOU’RE NOT FUCKING HERE TO TALK TO ME, YET HERE YOU FUCKING ARE, TALKING TO ME.

AG: It’s a8out Terezi.

AG: She’s not responding to my messages.

CG: HAVE YOU MAYBE FUCKING CONSIDERED THAT SHE IS FUCKING BUSY?

AG: Dooooooooing what?

CG: OH, I DON’T FUCKING KNOW, MAYBE *HER FUCKING JOB*?

AG: Vantas, don’t talk like that, somebody might think you don’t apreeeeeeeeci8 me.

CG: OH, WELL GUESS FUCKING WHAT.

CG: I DON’T FUCKING APPRECIATE YOU, YOU BALL OF NOOK DISCHARGE.

AG: Yeaaaaaaaaah, you totally h8 me.

AG: :::;)

CG: I HAVE NEVER BEEN SO FUCKING DISGUSTED IN MY ENTIRE MISERABLE LIFE. MY HATE FOR YOU IS COMPLETELY FUCKING PLATONIC, AND THE ONLY FUCKING THING YOU SUMMON FROM MY BODY IS BILE.

CG: JUST FUCKING WAIT UNTIL TEREZI IS OFF WORK, YOU FESTERING PILE OF HOOFBEAST SHIT.

carcinoGeneticist [CG] ceased trolling arachnidsGrip [AG] 

AG: Get back here, V8NTAS!!!!!!!!

AG: I still h8ve shit to stuff d8wn your thro8t!!!!!!!!

carcinoGeneticist [CG] blocked arachnidsGrip [AG] 

Fuck, that was cathartic.

 

* * *

 

What the fuck is this.

Apparently nobody in this house sees fit to have microwave popcorn, but no, your have to deal with this contraption instead.

At least there are kernels.

turntechGodhead [TG] began pestering  ectoBiologist [EB]

TG: john

EB: back so soon? :B

TG: do you know how this works

turntechGodhead [TG] sent an image!

EB: you don’t?

TG: john

TG: i only know how to cook food that isnt microwavable or instant noodles because roxy taught me

TG: i have never used one of these before

TG: can you help

EB: yeah.

 

* * *

 

The Lalonde House has always intimidated you. It’s so big and absolutely nothing like a hive that a wiggler would make. However, you find yourself here again and again, seeking some sort of twisted solace from it’s residents.

Your husktop and movie grubs feel a little heavier in your bag.

 

* * *

 

You open the door to reveal an incredibly anxious-looking Karkat.

He’s kinda cute.

“Folks in your building bothering you?” He nods.

“Douchefucks don’t know how to lower their fucking voices.”

“Neither do you, bro.” He quirks an eyebrow in a way that is so fucking _reminiscent_ of Rose, you want to giggle. You don’t giggle, however, because you are cool, and laughing at your bro is not cool.

Is Karkat your bro?

Probably, to be honest. He’s the person you spent the most time with since you came to New York, aside from Rose. He doesn't know a single Strider rule of cool, but you like him.

“Dave!” Karkat yells. “Are you going to let me in, or are we going to stand in the doorway like a pair of douchebags?”

“Are you trying to tell me that we _aren’t_ a pair of douchebags?” You let your eyebrows peek out for under your shades and stand to the side to let him in. He looks you up and down, and wow, that _almost_ looked like he was checking you out. Almost.

“You definitely are, Strider.” You walk through the hall in, dare you say it, _comfortable_ silence. This is broken when you make it to the living room and he pulls a giant purple spider out of his bag.

“Karkat, what the _fuck_ is that?” You’ve taken a few steps back as a precaution. The thing looks grossly organic, as you have learned most troll technology is. Doesn’t stop it from giving you the heebie-jeebies, thought. Heebie-jeebies. Where the fuck did you pick that up? Jade, probably. Her cousin and grandpa said things like that, apparently.

“It’s my husktop, you twitchy fuck.” He says, and that fucking thing is _not_ his husktop. You have seen Kanaya’s and it looked nothing like this monstrosity.

“Kanaya’s didn’t look like that.”

“Kan has a good one.”

“And you don’t?”

“Dave.” Karkat turns to you, and damn if that isn’t the most exasperated expression to ever grace his face. “I am not going to explain the hemospectrum to your uncomprehending ass, mainly because you won’t fucking get it, and also because I want to watch this movie.” He fiddles with the insectoid computer. “But basically, Kanaya had access to better things than me because she is a higher caste than I am. Now, do you want to watch this fucking movie, or are you going to be fucking aggravating until I decide my hivestem is the better option?”

“Hell no dude, I am here to find out what secrets alien cinematography has to offer. But, if you’ll excuse me, I’m going to grab the popcorn, and also tell Rose about your monster computer.” You’d have totally have sent him a sick wink, but you’re wearing your shades. You grab the popcorn from the kitchen, pass one bowl to Karkat from behind the couch, and settle into the sofa crease. You pull your phone from your jeans pocket, and send Rose a message.

turntechGodhead [TG] began pestering  tentacleTherapist [TT]

TG: so uh

TG: karkats computer has legs

TG: im really not sure how to feel about that

TT: Legs, you say?

TG: yes look at this shit

turntechGodhead [TG] sent an image!

TG: i really wish it didnt have them

TT: They do look like something you’d be vaguely uncomfortable about.

TG: yeah theyre pretty fuckin weird

TG: im going to watch an alien romcom now

TT: An alien romcom?

TT: Keep me posted.

TG: im not going to text you during the movie im not that dickhead

TT: If you insist. Now, get back to your romcom, I’m sure Karkat is dying to watch it.

tentacleTherapist [TT] ceased pestering  turntechGodhead [TG]

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> if you wanna talk about this fic, my tumblr is [here](http://olivetheowl.tumblr.com/)


	10. One Step Forward, One Step Back

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> warning: homophobic slur
> 
> fuck this chap took forever and im nowhere near satisfied with it

Okay, you give up.

You have no fucking idea what is going on in this movie. First, a couple of dudes were getting their mack on, and okay, alien romantic comedy, cool. Then it just got really fucking complicated.

First, the hatebanging. You don’t understand why these fucks ripping each other apart is romantic. It just looks like they’re constantly trying rip each other up with their teeth.

Also the dude that totally looks like the troll version of Will Smith is cockblocking them, which, of course, is also romantic. Troll romance is fucking confusing, and Rose is incredibly brave to enter that geometrical hellscape. Actually, hellscape might be a little harsh. Mash of confusion and probable yelling? Maybe.

Karkat, however, is really into it. Really into it. He’s watching with rapt fascination, and is very quick to tell you to shut up when you try to make some thrilling commentary. Well, his loss on the commentary field. You are a blessing in the form of ill speeches, only the best words fly from your mouth. Your rhymes are the sickest, comin’ down with their illness they the quickest, kept in the hospital day an’ night, but the chance on Karkat enjoyin’ them is so slight, but maybe one day he might, and your wait for that day is a true plight.

You should teach Karkat how to mix.

Yeah. He’d probably throw a vintage shitfit if you teased him about it, but he’d try, at least. He wouldn’t even know how to place his hands on the records, you’d have to help him, and he’d bite his lip with pointy teeth.

That’d be cute.

At _that_ thought, you try to focus on the movie.

Wow, what the fuck? You are even more lost. Will Smith is back with somebody else. And, god damn, those are some horns. Puts Karkat’s little nub horns to shame.

Eh, his are pretty cute. Kinda like baby reptiles. Cute, by _why_ they’re cute? You’ve got no fucking idea.

Fuck, what are these characters doing now?

You really, _really_ don’t know.

 

* * *

 

While this _is_ one of your favourite movies, you aren’t going to be able to focus on it if Dave keeps on staring at you. He’s wearing those obnoxious shades, but fuck, you can feel his eyes on you. Is he really so uninterested in the movie that he needs to satisfy his boredom by glancing at your gross visage every five seconds.

And, fuck, you aren’t gonna be able to focus on _any_ movie if you’re this tired, never mind Dave’s staring. Fuck, you wish you could just slide into a sopor-filled recuperacoon, but no, raw sopor is toxic to humans, and as such, is illegal on Earth. The refined sopor patches you and Kanaya got aren’t even military-grade, either, and suck bulge. Sleep is too you what what the giant tentaclebeast is to biologoterrorists, impossible to locate in the depth of the oceans.

You wish you could sleep.

Well, you _can_ , but sleeping without good sopor is a fucking nightmare -literally. Your entire fucking species is plagued by these night terrors, and the only way they come up with to avoid them, over thousands of years, is by immersing yourselves in highly potent raw drugs. Fucking incredible.

 

* * *

 

 

Karkat just fell asleep on you.

Holy shit.

You give him a quick one-over, and yeah, he’s sleeping better than you ever have. He also probably wouldn’t have just dropped onto your shoulder if he was awake, either.

You can’t wake him up. Fuck, he probably doesn’t get enough sleep, judging by his eye bags. You could fit the entirety of his luggage in those. You’ll just slowly shift away from him. Slowly.

He grabs onto your arm. Shit. Oh god, he’s whining. You stop moving and settle back into the sofa crease. You refuse to wake him up. He’s still clinging to you, but you can deal with it. He needs to sleep.

It’s kinda adorable, the way he’s clinging to you. His thick eyebrows are smoothed out in a way that you’ve never seen when he’s awake. He’s ever so slightly chewing on his bottom lip.

You want to do that for him.

Let’s shut _that_ out. You try to focus on the movie.

No such luck. You really couldn’t care less about Troll Will Smith, and you can’t stop imagining how Karkat’s black lips would feel under yours.

_Stay away from your faggot brother, kid._

Your chest tightens.

 

* * *

 

The river flows with your (filthy, disgusting) blood. Rocks jut up at every possible angle and the sky is hazed with purple.

It’s wrong and it _hurts_ but it’s _right_.

It’s so familiar.

Terezi’s voice echos through your Mind.

Kanaya’s screams echo throughout the Space.

“Honk.”

Gamzee’s enRaged and it’s your fault. Your fault. Your fault your fault your fault _your fault_.

Your blood reaches up and wraps around you and it's yours, your blood, stupid, ugly, mutant blood. You’re drowning in your blood. It’s surrounding you and it’s your blood your blood your _Blood._

You're Blood.

 

* * *

 

_What the fuck._

Your entire body roars to life, pushes you off the bed and towards the wall. Which, for some stupid-ass reason, isn't there.

You fall onto the hardwood floor. You’re in Rose’s house. Bro isn’t here. You’re safe. Your glance towards the bed.

Which isn’t actually a bed. It’s the couch in the living room. And Karkat is sleeping on it.

Were you _sleeping_ with him?

At this point, your mind makes a jump that you are not entirely comfortable with. And, wow, you hide _that_ with the rest of the things you’d rather not think about.

He’s sort of _twitching_ on the couch, from the looks of it, still asleep.

Fuck, should you wake him up? He does _not_ look like he’s having a good time. You grab your phone from the coffee table and check the time.

It’s three fourty-eight in the morning. This is a completely unacceptable time to be awake at, but you have other problems to deal with right now. Namely, Karkat.

“Karkat?” He doesn’t respond. “Bro? You okay?” You edge towards the couch. He’s … growling. Sort of. It’s vaguely reminiscent of cicadas, but has a definite threatening feel to it. You notice that it isn’t coming from his mouth, but rather his chest. Weird. His teeth poke out out from under his lip in a decidedly cute way. Which are, as usual, softer than a smuppet’s plush rump.

This is not the time for gay thoughts. Especially about your _bro._

Fuck, _Bro._

You grab his shoulder.

He bites you.

“What the _fuck!_ ”

 

* * *

 

You bite the offending limb as hard as your sleep-addled muscles will allow. Which, unfortunately, is not very hard.

If you had said that aloud, Dave would have laughed at you. Or done his stupid half-smile and giggle. He seems to find things pertaining to hardness to be absolutely fucking hilarious. He also refuses to explain why, and Rose won’t help you either.

Fucking Lalonde-Strider twins.

“Karkat, _let go!_ ” You release the arm in surprise. Did you fall asleep in Dave’s hive?

Shit.

Did you fall asleep _with him?_

Fuck, you just bit him.

“Dave!” Shit shit shit. “Fuck, I’m sorry!” Dave looks like a cornered antlerbeast, holding his arm tight to his chest.

He runs out of the room.

carcinoGeneticist [CG] began trolling  turntechGodhead [TG]

CG: DAVE?

CG: FUCK, ARE YOU OKAY?

TG: yeah im fine bro

TG: i just needed to be alone for a bit you know

CG: YEAH, OKAY.

CG: BY THE WAY, I AM CLAIMING YOUR CUSHIONED HORIZONTAL SLEEPING PLATFORM UNTIL IT IS A REASONABLE TIME FOR ME TO RETURN TO MY HIVE.

TG: yeah ok bro

TG: see you later

turntechGodhead [TG] ceased pestering  carcinoGeneticist [CG]

 Fuck, you need to tell Kanaya you're here.

carcinoGeneticist [CG] began trolling  grimAuxiliatrix [GA]

CG: SHIT

CG: FUCK I DIDN’T MEAN TO SEND THAT.

GA: Hello Karkat

CG: I FELL ASLEEP AT DAVE’S HIVE. I’M SORRY I DIDN’T COME BACK OR MESSAGE YOU OR SOMETHING.

GA: It Is Alright

GA: I Asked Rose If You Were Still There And She Said You Were

CG: OH. OKAY.

CG: <>

GA: <>

GA: I Can Come Over To Pick You Up If You Would Like

CG: NO, IT’S OKAY.

GA: I Am Considering Talking To Rose About A Possible Relationship Between The Two Of Us Soon

GA: Perhaps Today

CG: YOU WANT TO TALK TO HER TODAY?

GA: Yes

GA: Since Human Relationships Often Have A Pale Element I Would Like You To Be There As Well So That We Can Discuss That

GA: And Possibly Come To An Agreement

CG: ARE YOU SURE YOU WANT TO DO THIS TODAY?

GA: Yes

GA: I Am Ready

CG: OKAY. WHEN DO YOU WANT TO TALK TO HER?

GA: Perhaps Sometime After Noon

CG: I ALSO HAVE SOMETHING I WANT TO TALK ABOUT. ALTHOUGH NOT WITH ROSE THERE. SHE WOULD JUST FUCKING WIGGLE HER EYEBROWS AT ME AND SMIRK. IT WOULD BE AWFUL, AND I WOULD PROBABLY FUCKING DESTROY EVERYONE IN THE HIVE’S AURAL CANALS WITH MY JUSTIFIED SCREAMS OF PURE FUCKING HORROR.

GA: Oh My

GA: Would You Rather Talk About This Before Or After

CG: AFTER. IT CAN WAIT, ALTHOUGH IT DOES SLIGHTLY PERTAIN TO THE TOPIC WE ARE GOING TO SPEAK TO ROSE ABOUT, SO I WOULD RATHER IT HAPPENED SOON AFTERWARD.

GA: Of Course

GA: Would You Want To Talk About This At Our Hive

CG: YEAH.

GA: I Will Arrive At Roses Hive In Eight Hours

GA: Please Get Some Sleep In The Meantime

GA: See You Then <>

CG: <>

grimAuxiliatrix [GA] ceased trolling  carcinoGeneticist [CG]

 

* * *

 

Your name is Dave Strider, and you need to stop comparing Karkat Vantas' face to the texture of a smuppet.

God, it’s probably the worst thing you have ever done, and you’ve done a whole fucking lot of shitty-ass things. He deserves so much better than being compared to a plush sex toy, but here you are, being a disgusting douchebag. God.

Maybe you should explain how this fucking started.

Yeah, okay. Basically, the people in Karkat’s apartment building are a whole series of xenophobic assholes, so he and Kanaya have been spending a lot more time at your house. Normally, this would be fucking fine, you know. But apparently you felt the need to notice _exactly_ how fucking _plush_ his lips are, and in a moment of complete and utter stupidity, the first thing that came to your mind was a fucking smuppet’s ass. You blame Bro for fucking up your brain like this.

You want to bite his face.

Oh, wow, what the fuck? That’s not weird as shit _at all_ . Although the sight of his crocodile teeth poking out from his lips _has_ had you entertaining late-night fantasies of biting those black lips.

Fuck. Let’s shove _that_ back into the dark recesses of your brain that you tried to hide it in.

Nope. It’s resurfacing faster than a baby with professionally manufactured floaties.

This is gay.

Fuck, this is _gay._

Shit.

You need to talk to Rose.

turntechGodhead [TG] began pestering  tentacleTherapist [TT]

TG: rose

tentacleTherapist [TT] is an idle chum! 

TG: shit

TG: fuck

You glance at your chumroll, and zero in on the only person that’s online.

turntechGodhead [TG] began pestering  timaeusTestified [TT] 

TG: so bro

TG: uh

TT: Hello, Dave.

TT: Any particular reason you’re up so late?

TG: fuck off

TG: i could just be up early for a change

TT: I have sincere doubts about that.

TT: So, what was so pressing that you needed to pester me at why the fuck o’clock?

TG: uh

TG: its a little weird

TG: and also extremely fuckin personal

TG: and it involves feelings

TG: which is uncharted territory with both of us

TG: shits so fuckin unknown not even the best fucking pirates and looters know this shit

TG: and personal feelings are the highest quality treasure

TG: but they aint gonna brave these rocky ass waters

TG: its just you and me bro

TG: out at sea on a tiny fuckin dingy

TT: I have a feeling I should stop this before it gets incestous.

TG: did rose tell you that

TG: fuck she did

TT: Could we maybe get back to the original point, Dave?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> my tumblr is [here](http://olivetheowl.tumblr.com/) please interact  
> i live for validation


	11. Tell Me About Your Problems

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> warnings: homophobic slurs, sexuality-based panic

As Rose walks in from the ‘foyer’ as they insist on calling it (it’s just a fucking entrance block), you can feel the diamonds in your eyes as you watch Kanaya follow her.

“Kan."

“Hello, Karkat.” She glides toward you and laces your fingers together.

“Have you told her?” Kanaya shakes her head.

“No.”

“You want me to start the conversation?”

“No, Karkat, I want to do it.” She takes a deep breath. You rub circles into her hand. “Rose?”

Rose, who was watching you and Kan with lightly veiled interest, replies. “Yes, Kanaya?”

“Karkat and I have something we would like to discuss with you. Is that alright?”

“Of course, Kanaya. Do you want to take this somewhere with a little more privacy?” Her eyes flick to Ms. Lalonde, who is walking down the stairs.

 

* * *

 

TG: oh yeah the original point

TG: fuck where did i put that

TG: shit did i lose it

TG: no

TG: found that motherfuckin piece of shit

TT: You got it?

TG: hell yeah

TG: uh

TG: not really sure how to start this

TG: fuck this is stupid

TG: there is literally a 0 percent chance you’re going to be an asshole about this

TG: uh

TG: so

TG: i might be gay

TG: but also not

TG: because i definitely liked a girl at one point

TG: and i just

TT: You do know that it’s alright to be attracted to multiple genders, right?

TG: yes

TG: do you think i would be a fuckin canker sore to roxy just because shes bi

TG: i just

TG: im supposed to be NORMAL

TG: fuck bro will kill me

TG: i shouldnt have said this

TG: fuck

TT: Dave, calm down.

turntechGodhead [TG] ceased pestering  timaeusTestified [TT] 

TT: Dave!

turntechGodhead [TG] is offline!

TT: Fuck!

 

* * *

 

As you all settle into almost disturbingly comfortable chairs, you flash Kanaya a quick diamond with your hands. It’ll be alright, you try to tell her through your expression.

“Now, what was it you two wanted to talk about?” Rose says, and Kan glances back at you. You nod in reassurance.

“Rose, if you recall the conversation we had about quadrants, you know that there are multiple, and they are all different, yes?”

“Of course.”

“As you may have noticed, I,” Kanaya pauses, “I am interested in quadranting with you.”

“Really?” You were not expecting her to look so uncertain. Rose’s eyebrows are reaching for her hairline.

“Yes, really.” Kanaya takes a deep breath. “If you are interested, I would like to be your matesprit.” Rose covers her mouth with her hands. You kind of feel like you’re intruding.

 

* * *

 

 

_“Why am I not allowed to talk to Dirk anymore?”_

_“Because he’s a fucking homo,_ _and we can’t have that rubbing off on you, now can we, kid.”_

You curl up on the floor.

Your computer pings. Somebody just came online.

Even from this far away, you recognize Jade’s green.

turntechGodhead [TG] began pestering  gardenGnostic [GG]

TG: can i see your dog

GG: yes

gardenGnostic [GG] sent an [image](http://thedailyshep.com/wp-content/uploads/2016/05/dog-1150355_1280.jpg)!

GG: look at this GOOD DOG! <3

GG: are you feeling ok?

TG: nah

TG: i feel like if shit and excessive mucus had a baby

TG: and that baby mutated into a shit snot eldritch horror child

GG: do you want to talk about it??

TG: not really

GG: ok

GG: should i send some more dog pictures

TG: yeah

TG: yeah that would be nice

GG: prepare yourself dave

GG: cause i got a shitton of pictures of good dogs :D

TG: fuck yes

 

* * *

 

“Okay, now that you’ve confessed and romantic music is playing in the background, I would like to get to the reason why I am here. Besides to support my moirail, obviously.”

“Ah. Yes.” Kanaya’s flushed, but she wants to get to her romcom moment just as much as you want to leave and not have to witness them eyeing each other in ridiculously fucking flushed fashion.

“I did assume you were just here to support her, and possibly give me the ‘hurt my moirail and I’ll kill you’ talk, but apparently not.” Rose focuses on you.

“As I have noticed with my extensive fucking research into human romance, you tend to have an ass-backward view on how romance fucking works in the first place, I mean, the sheer amount of quadrant-smearing that goes on in your fucking films, let alone the undeveloped pale and ashen subplots. It’s fucking sad, that’s what it is.” Fuck, you lost your point there. “What I’m trying to say is, you and Kan probably have different expectations for what should be a part of your relationship, and I’m here to hash shit out before somebody accidentally commits pale infidelity.”

“I see.”

Rose says, and tilts her head slightly in your general direction. “So, we are setting some boundaries?”

“Yes. That is exactly what we are here to do.”

“Rose,” Kanaya says, “could you tell us what parts of a human relationship that could be considered pale, that you would rather not give up?” Rose digs her flat teeth into her bottom lip.

“Considering what you have explained to me about pale relationships, they typically involve a level of emotional intimacy that is also involved in human relationships. That is something I would personally want in a relationship with you. However, the pacification and responsibility of the other’s actions is not necessary for a human relationship.” Rose explains. “I would not expect you to share every aspect of your life or your emotions with me, but I really do not want an emotionally distant relationship.” Kanaya looks at you, asking a silent question.

“Is that alright with you, Kan?”

“Yes. Are you alright with it?” She’s trying so _hard_ to look impassive, and something in your chest melts. Fuck, you’re so _pale_ for her.

“Yeah. It’s okay with me.”

 

* * *

 

Somebody knocks on your bedroom door.

“Dave?” Fuck, it’s Dirk. “Can I come in?”

You don’t respond.

timaeusTestified [TT]  began pestering  turntechGodhead [TG]

TT: Please talk to me.

TT: It’s okay, Dave.

TT: It’s going to be okay.

“The door’s unlocked.” Dirk slowly turns the doorknob and walks in. He sits down next to you.

“Dave, it’s alright. Nobody from this house is going to judge you or hurt you because of this.” Fuck, what are your friends going to think? It won’t matter to Jade, but _John_. Oh god, John.

_“I can’t really see Rose with a girl, y’know?”_

_“So, um, Jane just came out as ‘bisexual’, and I’m really not sure that is actually a thing. I mean, either you’re a homosexual or you’re not, right?”_

Shit, he won’t want to have anything to do with you after you tell him. Fuck. He’s your _best bro._

Jesus H. Dick, you won’t survive if Bro finds out.

“Dave?”

You’re shaking.

“Dave, calm down.” Dirk runs his hands down your arms. “It’s gonna be okay. I’m not gonna let that sick bastard get to you.” You focus on his eyes. He looks exhausted, his eyebags so deep that he looks like he’s sporting a pair of black eyes. He’s so much easier to read now that he doesn’t wear shades anymore.

It’s nice.

 

* * *

carcinoGeneticist [CG] began trolling  grimAuxiliatrix [GA]

CG: CAN WE TALK?

GA: Of Course

GA: Should I Come Downstairs

CG: NO.

CG: I DON’T WANT TO TALK ABOUT THIS IN PERSON BECAUSE I’LL LOSE MY NERVE AND THEN I’LL NEVER ACTUALLY GET TO IT.

CG: I PROBABLY SHOULD HAVE TOLD YOU THIS EARLIER BUT I REALLY DIDN’T KNOW HOW TO BRING IT UP.

CG: AND MY FEELINGS FOR YOU HAVE ALWAYS BEEN PALE.

CG: I JUST

CG: I HAVE AN ISSUE WITH QUADRANTS.

CG: I JUST FUCKING *CAN’T* KEEP MY FEELINGS FOR ANYONE IN ONE FUCKING QUADRANT.

CG: FUCK, I WOULD PROBABLY GO ASHEN FOR YOU IF YOU HAD A BAD KISMESISSITUDE.

GA: Oh

CG: AND FUCKING *DAVE*.

CG: I HAVE NEVER HAD SUCH CONFLICTING FEELINGS ABOUT SOMEONE BEFORE.

CG: HE WOULD BE *SUCH* A GOOD KISMESIS. BUT HE’S SO FUCKING PITIABLE I JUST CAN’T HELP MYSELF.

CG: FUCKING GL’BGOLYB, I WANT HIM IN EVERY QUADRANT LIKE A PAN-DAMAGED WRIGGLER.

CG: I CAN’T HELP BUT BE PALE FOR HIM AND I’M SO FUCKING SORRY.

GA: Karkat

CG: I’M STILL PALE FOR YOU. YOU’RE MY MOIRAIL AND I’M MORE PALE FOR YOU THAN I’VE EVER BEEN FOR ANYONE.

GA: Karkat

CG: I’M SO SORRY.

GA: Karkat Please Let Me Talk

GA: Im Glad You Told Me About This

GA: Can You Give Me Some Time To Think About This

CG: YEAH, OF COURSE.

GA: Ill Talk To You Later

CG: <>

grimAuxiliatrix [GA] ceased trolling  carcinoGeneticist [CG]

  
 

* * *

 

Fuck, this is so weird. You’re having an incredibly gay heart-to-heart with your brother, while in the throes of gay panic. Wow. Well, not really gay _panic,_ now, considering you’re not panicking.

You like Karkat.

Fuck, that feels good to admit, albeit slightly uncomfortable.  You’ll talk to Rose about it later. Oh god, she’s going to be so _smug._ She’s being wiggling her eyebrows from her pleather psychiatrist's chair at your sexuality fumbles for fucking _ages._

It’s going to be okay. Not right away, but it will be.

You look at Dirk.

“Hey, Dirk.”

“Yeah?”

“How did you know?”

“That I’m gay?” You nod in response. “Well, you know I grew up in Texas with my mom, right?”

“Yeah.”

“Derick wasn’t really around all that much, he wasn’t part of my childhood at all, really. He was just this badass uncle figure that showed up maybe once a year. But my mom, she was the best fucking person I’ve met. Acceptin’ and kind and _wonderful._ And she knew, even when I was little. Apparently I had the biggest crush on the weatherman. She was so open, and when I was eleven, I felt open enough to tell her about this boy I liked.” He sighs. “That wasn’t really an answer to your question. I kinda always knew. There wasn’t this ‘moment of realization’ or any of that crap. I just knew, and then I learned there was a word for it, and it was just, ‘Oh. Okay.’” 

“Yeah. Okay. Just, uh,” you pause, “how did you tell your friends?”

 

* * *

 

 

gallowsCalibrator [GC] began trolling  carcinoGeneticist [CG]

GC: 1 H4V3 SOM3 B4D N3WS 4ND SOM3 GOOD N3WS

GC: WH1CH DO YOU W4NT F1RST

CG: WHAT DO YOU THINK?

CG: THE BAD NEWS.

GC: W3LL 4CTU4LLY TH3YR3 K1ND4 TH3 S4M3 TH1NG

GC: 1M JUST GO1NG TO S4Y 1T 1N 4 W4Y TH4T M4K3S S3NS3

GC: B4D N3WS

GC: 4SSHOL3 N31GHBORS 4R3 P1SS3D 4T US 4G41N

CG: FUCK

GC: GOOD N3WS

GC: TH3YR3 NOT OUR N31GHBORS 4NYMOR3

CG: I THINK I’M MISSING SOMETHING HERE.

CG: DID THE GROSS NOOKWHIFF ON OUR FLOOR GET KICKED THE FUCK OUT?

GC: NO

GC: WE D1D

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> my tumblr is [here](http://olivetheowl.tumblr.com/) hit me the fuck up


	12. A Series Of Movements

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> warnings: discrimination
> 
> i have a love-hate relationship with pesterlogs  
> i love writing them but fuck are they a pain in the ass to format

CG: WHAT THE FUCK

CG: WHY

GC: 4PP4R3NTLY W3 4R3 D1SPRUPT1V3 4ND C4NNOT B3 4ROUND QUOT3 UNQUOT3 NORM4L T3N4NTS 4NY LONG3R

CG: FUCK

CG: FUCK WHAT ARE WE GOING TO DO

GC: ROXY D1D OFF3R TH3 L4LOND3 HOUS3

GC: W3 COULD PROB4BLY ST4Y TH3R3 UNT1L W3 C4N F1ND MOR3 P3RM4N3NT HOUS1NG

CG: OKAY.

CG: HAVE YOU TOLD KANAYA YET?

GC: NOT Y3T

GC: DO YOU W4NT TO T3LL H3R

CG: NO.

CG: I PROMISED TO GIVE HER SOME SPACE WHILE SHE THINKS ABOUT SOMETHING.

GC: OK4Y

GC: 1LL T3LL H3R

GC: C4N YOU T4LK TO TH3 L4LOND3S

CG: YEAH.

CG: I’LL SET UP A MEMO.

gallowsCalibrator [GC] ceased trolling  carcinoGeneticist [CG]

 

* * *

 

carcinoGeneticist [CG] began trolling  turntechGodhead [TG]

CG: CAN YOU GIVE ME ROSE AND ROXY’S HANDLES? I’M GOING TO START A MEMO AND I WANT THEM IN IT.

TG: yeah ok

TG: rose is tentacletherapist and roxy is tipsygnostalgic

TG: whats this memo about

TG: seems like important business if you are asking me for rose and roxs handles

CG: YOU’LL SEE IN A MINUTE.

carcinoGeneticist [CG] ceased trolling  turntechGodhead [TG]

 

carcinoGeneticist [CG] has started a memo on board OUR LANDLADY IS A BULGESUCKER! Respond?

turntechGodhead [TG] responded to memo!

CG: SO, WE JUST GOT KICKED OUT OF OUR FUCKING HIVE.

tentacleTherapist [TT] responded to memo!

gallowsCalibrator [GC] responded to memo.

GC: 4PP4R3NTLY W3 4R3 D1SRUPT1V3 4ND H3R OTH3R T3N4NTS D3S3RV3 4 H1GH3R ST4ND4RD OF L1V1NG

GC: 1TS NOT L1K3 4NY OF US 4R3 4CTU4LLY TH3R3 DUR1NG TH3 D4Y

TT: That is disgusting behavior and I am revolted that she would do that.

TG: what the actual fuck

tipsyGnostalgic [TG]  responded to memo!

TG: what a douche

TG: fyck

TG: *fuck

TG: do u need a place to stay bc i for one am totes cool with u guys stayin here

grimAuxiliatrix [GA] responded to memo.

GA: Hello

TT: Hello, Kanaya.

GA: We Do Need A Place To Stay

GA: At Least Until We Can Find Another Hivestem That Will Allow Us To Rent One Of Its Hives

TT: I brought up the idea of you staying with us with Mother when it first came up, but unfortunately she was too drunk to properly comprehend the idea, let alone give a proper answer.

TG: yikes

TG: rosie do u want me to talk to her tonite

TT: Actually, I think she is home for once. I’m going to talk to her now.

TT: Be right back.

TG: fuckin yikes is right

TG: that is some xenophobia right there

CG: YEAH. IT’S REALLY NOTHING WE DIDN’T EXPECT WHEN WE CAME HERE THOUGH.

TG: thats the fuckin shittiest

TG: shit cake with shit filling

GA: Dave That Is Vaguely Nauseating

GA: Please Stop

GC: TH4T 1S PR3TTY GROSS D4V3

GC: >:]

TG: B)

TG: fuck that was the first time i ever sent an emote

TG: i just lost my emoticon virginity

TG: now im feeling all vulnerable and shit

GC: H3H3

CG: DAVE NOW IS NOT THE FUCKING TIME.

TG: teacher karkats being mean

TG: he wont stop pulling my itty blond pigtails

TG: lmao

CG: WHAT THE FUCK IS A TEACHER?

GC: 1TS 4 HUM4N TH4T T34CH3ES W1GGL3RS TH31R SCHOOLF33DS

CG: THAT DIDN’T EXPLAIN SHIT, BUT I REALLY DON’T GIVE A FUCK.

GA: Karkat I Am Packing My Things

GA: Once You Have Confirmation Whether Or Not We Can Stay At The Lalonde House You Should Do The Same

GC: 1V3 ST4RT3D P4CK1NG TOO

GC: W4RR3NS S331NG 1F 1 C4N ST4Y 1N 4NY OF TH3 N34RBY DORMS BUT H3 DOUBTS TH4T TH3Y CTU4LLY L3T M3 STAY S1NC3 1M NOT 4 STUD3NT 4T 4NY OF TH3M

CG: OKAY, I’M GETTING MY SHIT.

TG: you talking about uni dorms

GC: Y34H

TG: fuck arent they super exclusive here

TG: not that i know shit about ny universities because i grew up in satans fiery asshole

TG: the unis can be p picky bout who they let in

TG: cant speak for all of them tho

TT: Mother is fine with it.

TT: She did seem vaguely annoyed, but it’s not like she is even here most of the time. Nevertheless, she did has given her permission.

TG: fuck yeah

TG: noice

TG: do u need help bringing ur stuff here

TG: bc dave n i can probs help with that

GC: 1T WOULD PROB4BLY T4K3 L3SS T1M3

GC: DO YOU H4V3 4 C4R

TG: yeah ill drive

TG: when do u want us to come

TG: you still there

CG: YES, WE ARE STILL FUCKING HERE, STRIDER. THE FUCKWIT ON OUR FLOOR JUST DECIDED TO MAKE AN INCREDIBLY FUCKING STUPID DECISION AND INSULT MY MOIRAIL. UNFORTUNATELY, SAID MOIRAIL WON’T LET ME FUCKING MURDER HIM. TEREZI IS OUTWITTING HIM INSTEAD.

TG: wow

TG: did she just like pick you up and carry you out of there

CG: SHUT YOUR FUCKING FACE GASH, STRIDER.

TG: haha she totally did huh

CG banned  TG from responding to memo.

CG: ROXY A GOOD TIME TO COME OVER WOULD BE IN ABOUT TWO HOURS. WE SHOULD HAVE PACKED UP MOST OF OUR SHIT BY THEN.

TG: gotcha

CG: I’M CLOSING THE MEMO SO I CAN ACTUALLY GET SHIT DONE INSTEAD OF FUCKING YELLING AT ALL OF YOU.

CG closed memo.

 

* * *

 

You hate Karkat’s suitcase. It’s got the same crab legs that his computer does, and it fucking _scuttles_ around on its own instead of him dragging it. You and biotech do not have a good relationship. Shit’s fallin’ apart, man.

What you also hate, is the looks and comments the some of the other tenants make as they see you leaving with Karkat. Fuckin’ goddamn, you’re glad he’s getting out of this hellhole.

Roxy and Kanaya are (still!) packing up all the fabric Kanaya has collected while on earth. It’s a little scary how much she has, and why she has a bunch of it arranged in piles in the apartment is a fucking mystery, because Karkat won’t explain it. He just blushed like a goddamn tomato dunked in firetruck-red paint, which, while cute as shit, didn’t answer your question.

 

turntechGodhead [TG] began pestering  tipsyGnostalgic [TG] 

TG: yo have you made a dent in those fabric piles

TG: u fuckin wish

TG: shes got so much of this shit

TG: a professional gymnast couldnt wade through this

TG: can u bring the duffle bags up

TG: were gona need them

TG: *gonna

TG: alright

TG: duffle bags coming up

turntechGodhead [TG] ceased pestering  tipsyGnostalgic [TG]

 

“Looks like we’re gonna need the extra bags.” You say, opening the car door and pulling them out from beside the seat. Karkat peers over your shoulder.

“Don’t tell me,” he pauses, “it’s the fucking fabric, isn’t it.”

“How did she even collect that all, bro.”

“I have no fucking idea, Strider.” He side-eyes you. You pretend that it didn’t make your heart leap in your chest. “Maybe she bought it at one of your ‘human stores’.”

“Yeah, yeah, I get it, I’m an idiot who can’t make simple connections, you gotta hit me up with your corrections, whirl me to the right direction, which is apparently in Rose’s affections-”

“Shut your fucking maw, you smug rapping tool.” Karkat grins at you. His teeth poke out from over his lips and it’s so fucking cute you want to slam-dunk him into your bed. Or the couch. Anything soft, really. You just want to cuddle the shit out of him. Maybe kiss him. If he wants to.

“I’m the raddest rapping tool around, bro. Don’t pretend you don’t know it.”

“As if I would admit to anything so fucking untrue.” He’s looking at you in something at almost rings as disdain, but almost softer. Maybe. You press the up button outside the elevator door.

“Which floor you on?” Karkat pulls the duffle bag straps a little higher on his shoulders.

“Fourth.” The elevator ride is silent, filled with an odd kind of tension that you can’t put your finger on. It’s familiar, in a way that you don’t understand but at the same time you _do,_ and it’s so _wrong_. You break the silence.

“Do you know how glad I am that you’re getting out of here?”

“No, Dave, I fucking don’t.” He turns toward you and raises a thick eyebrow. He looks ridiculous.

He’s gorgeous. You instinctively push that thought out of your mind before pulling it back. It’s okay.

“So fucking much, bro. This place is the fucking shittiest.”

 

* * *

 

Getting the trolls settled in is an easier process than you thought it would be. Turns out, this fuckin’ house is literally made of guest bedrooms and other miscellaneous spare rooms. Karkat and Kanaya chose rooms on the same floor as you, Rose, and Roxy, while Terezi insisted on staying on the main floor. ‘It’s tactical, Dave! I need to be on the base floor if I’m going to defend you guys from attacks!’ It’s kind of weirdly endearing. 

You should send her a comic. Yeah. She liked the ones with the Kool-Aid Man, so maybe a couple more of those.

You kinda owe her. 

She’s working so hard on your case against Bro, and she never complains about it, even though you  _ know  _ her mentor has basically abandoned her to work on it by herself.

He’s a bit of a shitty dude. 

You open MS Paint and start setting up the usual shitty comic format. After you figure out the basic idea of what you’re going to do, you check pesterchum. 

Oh, Rose is online. You need to talk to her. Looks like the Kool-Aid Man’s gonna have to wait. Sorry, bro. Feelings jam with the twin is just a little more important to you than that shiny, perpetually smiling face.

 

turntechGodhead [TG] began pestering  tentacleTherapist [TT]

TG: so uh

TG: rose

TT: That is indeed my name, Dave. As you might say, 'don't wear it out'.

TG: can we talk about serious shit

TG: also not in person because ill probably end up doing some handle based acrobatics if i talk about this to your face

TT: Ah, is this where I slyly mention your other dramatic pirouettes of said handle?

TG: rose no

TG: my handle acrobatics should stay in the dark recesses of your memory

TG: they fit in very well with all the tentacles and your analyzations of my freudian slips

TT: I’m sure they do.

TT: In all seriousness, Dave, as awkward as our emotional talks can be, I will never turn down the chance to have one.

TG: oh

TG: ok

TG: uh

TG: fuck ive already done this once already why am i having such a hard time with this

TG: god

TG: fuck

TG: gimme a minute

TG: so im pretty sure im bisexual

TG: or something like that

TT: Wow.

TT: You know, I was actually expecting it to take you a couple more years to claw your way out of the closet.

TG: what

TT: You weren’t subtle, Dave.

TG: fuck

TG: really

TG: even when i was a fuckin douchelord about it to you

TT: Actually, yes. You showed a ridiculous amount of internalized homophobia, even and especially after your ‘douchelord’ phase ended. Most of which was directed at yourself, by the way.

TT: I've suspected it for a while.

TG: oh

TG: ok

TG: are you in your room

TT: Yes?

TG: im coming over

TG: get ready to get fuckin hugged

turntechGodhead [TG] ceased pestering  tentacleTherapist [TT]

 

* * *

 

technicTerminal [TT] began pestering  turntechGodhead [TG]

TT: What. The. Shit.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> tumblr is [here](http://olivetheowl.tumblr.com/)


	13. All On My Lonesome, Joining Up

TG: i readily agree with that sentiment

TG: what the fuck

TG: actually its more who the fuck

TG: i didnt add you how can you message me

TT: Fuck.

TT: Dave, what’s going on?

TG: ok how do you know my name

TT: What?

TT: Dave, I’m your brother. Dirk.

TG: no youre fuckin not

TG: im ollying right the fuck out

turntechGodhead [TG] blocked technicTerminal [TT]

 

turntechGodhead [TG] began pestering  timaeusTestified [TT] 

TG: dirk somebodys impersonating you on pesterchum

TG: their handle is

TG: fuck gimme a minute

TG: technicterminal

TT: Fuck.

TT: Just let me deal with him, okay?

TG: what

TG: you know this guy

TT: Yes.

TT: It’s complicated. I sort of created him?

TG: the more you say the less i understand bro

TT: Just ask him about the auto-responder.

timaeusTestified [TT]  ceased pestering  turntechGodhead [TG]

 

technicTerminal [TT]  began pestering  turntechGodhead [TG]

TT: Dave?

TT: I need your help.

TT: I don’t know where I am and Roxy’s not online.

TG: what the actual fuck

TG: i blocked you

TT: Yeah, you did. I hacked past that because I need your fucking help.

TT: And frankly, I'm a little fucking hurt that you blocked me, but we've got bigger fish to fry.

TT: I don’t know what’s going on.

TG: ok

TG: uh

TG: fuck ill give it a shot

TG: whats the auto responder

TT: It seems you have asked about DS's chat client auto-responder. This is an application designed to simulate DS's otherwise inimitably rad typing style, tone, cadence, personality, and substance of retort while he is away from the computer. The algorithms are guaranteed to be 93% indistinguishable from DS's native neurological responses, based on some statistical analysis I basically just pulled out of my ass right now.

TT: What the fuck.

TT: Dave!

TG: holy shit

TG: dirk fuckin made an ai

TT: What. Dave, no.

TT: I’m not an AI.

TT: I can’t be.

TT: I’m Dirk.

TT: Fuck!

TT: Dave!

technicTerminal [TT] is offline!

turntechGodhead [TG] ceased pestering  technicTerminal [TT]

 

timaeusTestified [TT]  began pestering  turntechGodhead [TG]

TT: I just reined him in.

TT: I’ll explain later, I just need to fix a couple things first.

TG: you made a fuckin ai

TT: Yes.

TT: Fix now, talk later.

timaeusTestified [TT]  ceased pestering  turntechGodhead [TG]

 

What. The. Fuck.

 

* * *

  

grimAuxiliatrix [GA] began trolling  carcinoGeneticist [CG]

GA: Karkat Can I Come To Your Block

GA: Or If Youd Prefer You Can Come To Mine

GA: I Have Left Roses Block Since Dave Decided That Bursting In Without Warning Was Necessary

CG: OF COURSE. I THOUGHT THE HORRIFIED SCREAMS I HEARD WERE HIS.

CG: I’LL COME TO YOUR BLOCK.

GA: See You Soon Palebro

CG: PLEASE NEVER CALL ME THAT AGAIN. <>

GA: <>

carcinoGeneticist [CG] ceased trolling  grimAuxiliatrix [GA]

 

* * *

 

timaeusTestified [TT]  opened memo on board Strilonde Family Chat Number Three: Serious Shit!

turntechGodhead [TG] responded to memo!

TG: oh damn were on the serious family chat

tipsyGnostalgic [TG]  responded to memo!

TG: shits going down

TG: dirk r u alright

TT: I’m fine.

TT: I’m also going to wait until Rose responds to explain. I’d prefer if we were all here.

TG: brb gonna knock on her door

TG: dave no

TG: kanayas with her

tentacleTherapist [TT] has responded to memo!

TG: does anyone have any bleach

TG: because i need to wash my eyes out with it immediately

TG: i have seen things that should never have been seen

TG: ie rose macking on her alien gf

TT: Perhaps if you had knocked like you said you would, you might not have seen it.

TT: Wow.

TG: hey guys maybe we can get back to the topic

TG: this is the srs biznis chat

TT: Yeah. Okay.

TG: this is about your impersonator right bro

TT: Yep.

TT: He’s a fully sentient AI based off of scan of my brain when I was thirteen.

TT: I used to call him the Auto-Responder.

TG: u made an ai

TT: Interesting.

TG: i rlly need to stop being so surprised when u pull shit like this

TG: so we got a 13 year old robo dirk on our hands

TG: wow those are words i never thought i would string together

TT: Actually, I updated the brain scan when I was sixteen, so he’s more along the lines of a sixteen-year-old me.

TT: I shut him down for the time being. There’s still some stuff I’ve got to do before I wake him up.

TT: Roxy, I really could use your sweet haxxor skills.

TG: dont u worry

TG: my sweet haxxor skills r ready

TG: should i come to ur apartment or can this b done remotely

TT: It’ll be easier if you work with one of my computers. Also, I don’t want him fucking with your network.

TT: He’s scared and doesn’t know what’s going on. He’s already corrupted a good chunk of my files.

TG: wow

TT: Once you have him in a safer mental state, do you mind if talk to him?

TG: of course you want to psychoanalyze robo dirk

TG: why am i surprised again

TT: Probably. Depends how he feels about it.

TG: im heading over dirk

TT: I’ll open a memo when we have an update on the situation.

TG: see ya bro

timaeusTestified [TT]  closed memo!

 

* * *

 

Kanaya’s door is already open when you arrive at her block. She’s facing away from you, but you know that she doesn’t need to see you to know that you’re there.

“Hello, Karkat."

“Hey, Kan.” It feels like the posturing before a duel. You’re terrified of what she’s going to say. She turns to you and holds out a hand.

“Sit with me?”

You take her hand. The pair of you sit on a cloth-covered padded sleeping platform. Kanaya’s arranged her fabrics to sort of resemble a nest, and it’s comforting, even if it isn’t a pile.

“Karkat, I’m not going to pretend to understand what you’re feeling. I don’t understand how you can feel pale and red for one person.” Your claws dig into your palm. “I am so, so thankful you trust me enough to tell me.” She takes your other hand. “You don’t have to apologize for your feelings, Karkat. Especially not to me.”

“But I’m not supposed to be pale for anyone else.” It’s out of your mouth before you can stop it, and you curse you brain-to-panic-blaster filter.

“Do you want to be Dave’s moirail, Karkat?” Kanaya is so much calmer than you’d be in her position.

“No!” You can’t be Dave’s _moirail,_ for the heiress’ sake. Or his matesprit. You can’t be his _anything,_ your feelings are so fucked up, you just _want_ him, and it’s _wrong_ in so many ways.

“Then why should you have anything to be sorry for?”

“Because my feelings are _wrong_ , Kan.” You can’t meet her eyes. “You deserve better.” She breathes a deep sigh.

“Nothing about you is wrong, merely different.” Kanaya detangles on of you hands from hers to pap along your cheekbone. Almost instinctively, you feel yourself calm. “And about your feelings about Dave, you were fine with Rose’s for me, so I can’t see why yours should bother me.”

“You don’t owe me for that, you know.”

“I know. I’ve thought about it. It’s okay, Karkat. I don’t mind.”

 

* * *

 

tipsyGnostalgic [TG]  opened memo on board strilonde super secret group chat: zazzerpans magic rod!

TG: ok so this dude is super fuckin complex

tentacleTherapist [TT] responded to memo!

TG: i have no idea how dirk actually did this shit

TT: All the more fun I’ll have when I pick his brain apart.

TG: thats dark rosie

turntechGodhead [TG] responded to memo!

TG: why are we in the meme chat for this

TG: bcuz dirks sleepin n i know hes got alarms for the srs shit 1 and sometimes the other one

TG: but he doesnt have 1 for this 1 bcuz its for fun

TG: cool cool

TG: also rose i can hear you playing monster mash from downstairs

TG: its barely fucking october

TT: I’ll stop when you change the name of the board, Dave.

TG: fine

turntechGodhead [TG] changed board name to strilonde super secret group chat: rose you absolute killjoy!

TG: is that better rose

TG: is it

TT: Marginally.

TG: can we maybe get to what i was trying to say

TG: bcuz its just a little bit important

TG: gotcha

TT: Of course.

TG: ok so its gonna take a while to get him to a operable state

TG: he basically had a panic attack and shut down when we were trying to explain stuff to him

TG: were gonna give him a basic idea of who he is and try to wake him up after that

TG: itll prob take a bit bcuz we need to write up some original code to do it

TG: but were gonna get it done!!!!

TG: huh

TG: hes like

TG: a real person right

TG: yeah

TG: i mean hes in a computer but hes still sentient

TT: Dave, I think perhaps we should reserve judgement on his ‘realness’ for when we talk to him.

TG: ok yeah thats a good idea

TG: im gonna get back to work now

TG: bye!

tipsyGnostalgic [TG]  closed memo.

 

turntechGodhead [TG] began pestering  tentacleTherapist [TT]

TG: please turn it off

TG: i changed the name 

TT: I don’t know. Personally, I could go for one more round of Monster Mash.

TG: no

TG: why rose

TG: i am mortally wounded by your betrayal

TG: my own twin

TG: did you just turn it up

TT: Perhaps.

TG: rose its not even halloween

TT: Just you wait until it is Halloween, dear brother.

TG: what

TG: whats that supposed to mean

TG: rose

tentacleTherapist [TT] ceased pestering  turntechGodhead [TG]

TG: rose what do you mean

 

* * *

 

 

turntechGodhead [TG] began pestering  gardenGnostic [GG]

TG: have you seen the video with the bird

TG: with the really big face

GG: dave isnt it 4am where you are??

TG: is it

GG: :( :(

TG: oh

TG: it is

TG: dont make those frowny faces at me

TG: look at the bird jade

turntechGodhead [TG] sent an [image](https://lh3.googleusercontent.com/-FsgRUgT0iIk/WCSc25l9rnI/AAAAAAABQkc/Kke4H3SRaWM/superb-bird-of-paradise-26.jpg?imgmax=1600)!

GG: wow

TG: its my fursona

TG: can it be my fursona

TG: would it be my feathersona

TG: these are the real questions jade

GG: it could probably be your fursona if you wanted :D

GG: i saw someone with a frog as a fursona once!

TG: cool

TG: the superb bird of paradise is my fursona now

TG: thats really what its called jade

TG: i love it so much

GG: dave are you okay??

TG: yeah

TG: i mean im super tired

TG: theres just so many things happening jade

TG: i cant do it all

TG: also i really havent slept like in like

TG: a week

TG: sleep is for the weak jade

GG: dave :(

GG: you gotta sleep

TG: i KNOW

TG: i just cant

TG: im in my bed tucked in like a fuckin 5 year old

TG: and i was tired as shit before i got into bed

TG: but as soon as my head hits that fluffy ass pillow

TG: ass pillow ha

TG: my brain just lights the fuck up

TG: like heres all the bullshit that youve ever done all compiled into 1 gigantic slideshow of ass fuckery

TG: and i was actually REALLY TIRED this time

TG: but no

TG: i was so freaked out because i thought bro was messaging me that sleep abandoned ship

GG: what????

TG: jumped right off the boat and into the sea

TG: didnt even pause to grab a life jacket

TG: oh

TG: sorry

TG: it wasnt him

GG: thank god

GG: dave i know that sleeping will be really hard for you

GG: but at least try to rest

TG: ok

TG: yeah

TG: talk later??

GG: sure! :)

turntechGodhead [TG] ceased pestering  gardenGnostic [GG]

 

* * *

 

twinArmageddons [TA] began trolling  carcinoGeneticist [CG]

TA: yo kk

TA: gue22 who just popped out of a motherfuckiing hiighblood coon

CG: SOLLUX YOU ABSOLUTE FUCKING NOOK PIMPLE

TA: wow

TA: iif ii wa2 ampora ii would have thought that wa2 a black 2oliiciitatiion

TA: but ii’m nowhere near a2 de2perate a2 hii2 a22

CG: SHUT YOUR FUCKING TALK BLASTER ABOUT YOUR KISMESIS, DOUCHEASS.

TA: yeah ok ii really don’t want two talk about hiim anyway2

TA: ii would have gone two tz wiith thii2, but 2he’2 not onliine riight now

TA: any iidea2 on how two get off thii2 grubfor2saken 2pace rock

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> [tumblr](http://olivetheowl.tumblr.com/)


	14. Joint Effort

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> welcome to rainbow rumpus partytown everybody
> 
> also i forgot to link to the art that [notedchampagne](http://notedchampagne.tumblr.com/) and [slim-turner](slim-turner.tumblr.com) did last chapter but its very good and i love it very much
> 
> its [here](http://olivetheowl.tumblr.com/post/166188097464/notedchampagne-heyall-olivetheowl-has-a-good) and [here](http://olivetheowl.tumblr.com/post/166241344469/slim-turner-hey-so-uhh-this-fic-by-olivetheowl)
> 
> i know literally nothing about the american legal system so this is probably not the most accurate legally speaking

carcinoGeneticist [CG] opened memo on board RELOCATE SOLLUX’S ASS.

caligulasAquarium [CA]  responded to memo.

arsenicCatnip [AC] responded to memo.

CG: LISTEN UP, FUCKERS.

CG: WE HAVE AN OBJECTIVE, AND IT IS TO GET SOLLUX TO EARTH, AND WHATEVER SECRET SHIT HE HAS IN HIS STUPID FUCKING HONEY COMPUTER OUT OF THE DRONES’ REACH.

CA: i dont see wwhy wwe cant just leavve him here

AC: :33 < karcat!

cuttlefishCuller [CC]  responded to memo.

CC: )(ey!

CG: ERIDAN, EITHER SHUT YOUR FUCKING ORAL CANAL OR LEAVE.

gallowsCalibrator [GC] responded to memo.

CG: BECAUSE I WILL BAN AND BLOCK YOUR ASS, DICK CHEESE.

CA: fine

GC: H3Y

GC: TH1S LOOKS L1K3 4 P4RTY

CG: TEREZI

CG: FINALLY SOMEONE WITH SENSE.

GC: H3H3

GC: D1D YOU P1CK UP TH4T 1NSULT FROM D4V3

CG: I RESCIND MY EARLIER COMMENT ABOUT YOU HAVING ANYTHING RESEMBLING SENSE.

centaursTesticle [CT] responded to memo.

CT: D --> Oh

CT: D --> This is about the f001ish plan to smuggle a culled lowb100d off of the planet

CT: D --> Nepeta, you will have nothing to do with this

AC: :33 < dont boss me around!

CT: D --> This is dangerous and I will not stand for it

AC: :33 < im going to do this and you cant stop me!

CT: D --> You will not

AC: :33 < i will!

CC: Please keep your bickering to t)(e private c)(ats!

CC: We’re trying to kelp Sollux, and you’re just being s)(ellfish!

CC: Either clam up or take it eelsew)(ere!

CT: D --> Yes, Heiress

apocalypseArisen [AA] responded to memo.

CT: D --> I apologize for pol100ting this memo with our bickering

centaursTesticle [CT] ceased responding to memo.

AA: im with s0llux n0w

AA: hell pr0bably be up t0 space travel within five t0 eight days :D

AC: :33 < thats great!

AC: :33 < its clawful that he has to leave though

grimAuxiliatrix [GA] responded to memo.

GA: Hello

GA: I See We Already Have Some Fights Breaking Out

CG: HEY, KAN.

GC: TH3 E4RTH S1D3 1S COMPL3T3

CG: IT’S FUCKING HAZARDOUS HERE, I KNOW.

CA: cant you keep your pale bullshit to yourselvves

CA: nobody wwants to see it

arachnidsGrip [AG]  responded to memo.

AG: Looks like no8ody’s getting anything done, as usual.

CG banned  CA from responding to memo. 

terminallyCapricious [TC]  responded to memo.

CG: I’LL FILL HIM IN LATER.

TC: WhAt Is UuUuP mOtHeRfUcKeRs?

AG: Can someone get the clown out of my face?

adiosToreador [AT] responded to memo.

AT: vRISKA,, tHAT’S REALLY MEAN,

AG: Does it look like I care a8out what you think, pupa?

TC: hOw AbOuT wE dOn’T tAlK tO mY mAtEsPrIt LiKe ThAt SpIdErSiS?

AT: gAMZEE, iT’S ALRIGHT,,

AT: iT DOESN’T REALLY BOTHER ME ANYMORE

AC: :33 < im going to go fur a mewnite

TC: StIlL dOeSn’T gIvE hEr ThE mOtHeRfUcKiN rIgHt, TaVbRo.

AC: :33 < equius k33ps on meowssaging me

GC: TH3 DR4GON W4V3S GOODBY3 TO TH3 M1GHTY HUNTR3SS

AC: :33 < *the mighty huntress waves back befur scampurring into the woods*

arsenicCatnip [AC] ceased responding to memo. 

CG: OKAY, EVERYBODY'S HERE EXCEPT ERIDAN AND EQUIUS, AND NEPETA WILL PROBABLY REJOIN THE MEMO LATER.

CG: SO, WE GOT SOME FUCKING SHIT TO DO. LET’S GET TO IT.

GC: K4RK4T K4N4Y4 4ND 1 C4N H4NDL3 TH3 34RTH S1D3 OF TH1NGS

GC: BUT W3 C4NT 4CTU4LLY G3T H1M OFF TH3 PL4N3T

GC: F3F3R1 H4V3 TH3R3 B33N 4NY CH4NG3S W1TH TH3 1MM1GR4T1ON SYST3M S3CUR1TY

CC: Nope.

CC: T)(ere’s a new )(ead of security because the last one got drafted, but s)(e )(asn’t made any c)(anges to t)(e system yet.

CG: ANYONE KNOW HOW TO FORGE INTERPLANETARY STUDENT TRANSFER DOCUMENTS?

CC: I could probubbly do it.

CC: I )(ave access to all the processed documents, so I could make a draft and Sollux will want to look it over himse)(llf.

CG: GOOD IDEA. GET STARTED ON THAT AS SOON AS YOU CAN.

AG: Who died and made you leader, Vantas?

CG: DO YOU WANT TO FUCKING REHASH THIS AGAIN? I MIGHT NOT BE THERE IN PERSON TO KICK YOUR BONY ASS, BUT I WILL FUCKING DESTROY YOU.

AG: Wow.

CG: DO YOU WANT TO FUCKING GO, ASSNUGGET?

GA: Karkat Please Calm Down

CG: I AM FUCKING READY. I WILL TAKE ANYTHING YOUR PATHETIC ASS THROWS AT ME, AND I WILL RETURN IT MOTHERFUCKING THREEFOLD.

GA: Do You Need Me To Come To Your Block

AG: As if you even could hurt me. :::;)

GA: Nevermind

GA: Terezi Please Take Over While I Deal With Karkat

CG: YOU THINK I FUCKING CAN’T? LISTEN UP, ASSXDFJCVG

GC: GOTCH4

AG: Looks like none of this 8ullshit was worth my time anyways. Your 8rave leader needs a moirail to keep his head on str8. Pathetic.

arachnidsGrip [AG]  ceased responding to memo.

GC: WOW

GC: 1LL T4LK TO H3R L4T3R

GC: 4R4D14 YOU S41D TH4T YOU C4N K33P MR 4PPL3B3RRY BL4ST S4F3 FOR NOW

AA: yep

GC: T4VROS C4N YOU US3 YOUR 4N1M4L COMMUN1ON TO S33 4ND W4RN H3R 1F 4NY DRON3S OR 4NYBODY 3LS3 1S H34D1NG H3R W4Y

AT: yEAH, i CAN DO THAT

GC: WHO 1S CURR3NTLY TH3 CLOS3ST TO SOLLUXS H1V3

TC: tHaT wOuLd Be Up AnD mOtHeRfUcKiN nEpSiS.

AT: yEAH, sHE HAD TO MOVE RECENTLY, bECAUSE A BUNCH OF CARPENTER DRONES TOOK OVER HER FOREST,,

GC: W3 N33D TO R3COV3R OR D3STROY H1S COMPUT3RS

AA: s0lluxll j0in the chat s00n

AA: he wants t0 be a part 0f the planning 0f his 0wn escape :D

GC: 3XC3LL3NT

GC: WH1L3 1 DONT KNOW WH4T SH1T H3S GOT ON H1S D4T4B4S3 1TLL PROB4BLY S3ND DRON3S 4FT3R MOST OF YOU

TC: YeAh ThE sTuFf SoLbRo KnOwS aBoUt Us Is Up AnD mOtHeRfUcKiN mIrAcUlOuS.

GC: SO TH3 ONLY V14BL3 OPT1ON 1S TO K1LL TH3 B33S

twinArmageddons [TA] responded to memo.

TA: not fuckiin happeniing.

GC: N1C3 OF YOU TO JO1N US MR 4PPL3B3RRY BL4ST

CC: )(-----EY SOLLUX! 38D

TA: hey FF

GC: W3 C4NT L3T TH3 DRON3S G3T TO YOUR STUFF

TA: no 2hiit.

GC: 4ND YOU C4NT T4K3 1T TO 34RTH W1TH YOU

TA: why the fuck not, TZ?

GA: Because There Is No Rentable Housing That Will Allow You To Fill One Of Their Hives With Beehouse Mainframes

GA: I Looked Everywhere

TA: 2hiit

AT: aND NONE OF US CAN TAKE CARE OF THEM,

arsenicCatnip [AC] responded to memo.

AC: :33 < *the mighty huntress licks her paws clean* hey!!

centaursTesticle [CT] responded to memo.

GC: N3P3T4

AC: :33 < looks like youve gotten things purrfectly in order

CT: D --> I am allowing Nepeta to take part in this f001ishness with the condition that my STRONGNESS and I will protect her during any task that she does for this scatter-hooved cause

GC: 4CC3PT4BL3 T3RMS

AC: :33 < *the pouncellor nods in agreement*

GC: W3 N33D YOU TO GO TO SOLLUXS H1V3 4ND T4K3 C4R3 OF H1S M41NFR4M3S

GC: TH3Y CONT41N 1NFORM4T1ON W3 C4NNOT 4LLOW TH3 DRON3S TO H4V3 ACC3SS TO

AC: :33 < can you send the catordinates to me?

TA: contact me once you get there

TA: ii’ll iin2truct you on how two take care of the beehiive2

gallowsCalibrator [GC] sent a file.

GC: GOT 1T??

AC: :33 < yep!!

GC: >:]

AC: :33 < :))

CT: D --> Nepeta, I am heading towards your hive now

centaursTesticle [CT] ceased responding to memo.

GC: C4N YOU G3T THROUGH TH3 DOCK1NG B4Y S3CUR1TY W1THOUT VR1SK4 4S 4 F41LS4FE?

TA: can’t be certaiin

AC: :33 < s33 you soon!!

arsenicCatnip [AC] ceased responding to memo.

TA: KK and KN got through but neiither of them were culled.

TA: and you were iin a conde2ce approved program.

CC: I cod issue an order to let you t)(roug)( but if it’s a c)(oice seatween my orders and my ancestor’s, t)(ey probubbly won’t c)(oose brine.

GC: TH4T 4LSO M1GHT D1R3CT MOR3 SUSP1C1ON TO YOU AND MR 4PPL3B3RRY BL4ST

CC: I sea.

TA: two much 2ufii2hiion would throw thii2 off.

CC: -E-E-------E-----------------------------E

CC: SOLLUX T)(AT WAS R-E-ELY CUT---------------------E! 38D

TA: 

CG: WHERE ARE WE?

GC: W3 JUST SORT3D OUT WH4T TO DO W1TH H1S HUSKTOPS

GC: YOU TOOK YOUR T1M3 G3TT1NG B4CK

GC: >:] > :] >:]

CG: DON’T WIGGLE YOUR EYEBROWS AT ME.

CG: WE’VE GOT SHIT TO DO.

GC: TRU3

GC: 1 H4V3 TO T4LK TO VR1SK4 4ND S33 1F SH3 1S GO1NG TO B3 OUR F41LS4F3 4G41N

GC: G1VE M3 4 M1NUT3

CG: ALRIGHT. DO WE HAVE ANYTHING PLANNED FOR THE CARE OF HIS LUSUS?

TA: dad’2 dead, KK.

CG: SHIT. I’M SORRY.

CG: THAT FUCKING SUCKS.

TA: eh, iit wa2 pretty typiical of hiim though. piicked a fiight wiith couple of featherbea2t lu2iiii and got hii2 a22 kiicked.

TA: wa2n’t liike he wa2 goiiing to liive much longer anyway2.

CG: WHAT? WAS HE SICK OR SOMETHING?

AA: s0me 0f 0ur lusii started dying ar0und the time y0u left

AA: they just d0nt all live very l0ng

CG: OH.

CG: I THOUGHT THAT MIGHT HAVE JUST BEEN CRABDAD. BUT APPARENTLY MY GROSS MUTANT GENES DIDN’T FUCK SOMETHING UP FOR ONCE, AND HE JUST HAD A NORMAL LIFESPAN. WOW. THAT IS ACTUALLY VERY RELIEVING.

CC: Lowblooded lusii don’t live for very long, Crabkat, they usually only take care of one wiggler in their lives.

CC: Hey, Sollux, can you get me the perfishions for this clearance leveel?

cuttlefishCuller [CC]  sent a link.

TA: yeah, ii gotcha.

GA: Sollux I Have Some Places That Might Suit Your Living Standards If You Would Like To Look At Them

GA: Unfortunately None Of Them Allow Sopor Even In Small Concentrations But That Is Just How It Is

TA: yeah, ii’ll take a look once ii've fiinii2hed thii2.

TC: mOtHeRfUcKiN rEaLlY?

grimAuxiliatrix [GA] sent a file.

TC: ThEy DoN’t LeT yOu HaVe SoPoR oVeR tHeRe?

GA: Not Exactly

CG: RAW SOPOR IS ILLEGAL ON EARTH BECAUSE IT’S REALLY FUCKING TOXIC TO HUMANS. REFINED SOPOR AND PATCHES ARE ALLOWED, BUT YOU USUALLY HAVE TO GET A PERMIT TO BUY THEM.

CG: REFINED SOPOR IS FUCKING AWFUL, BY THE WAY. IT KNOCKS YOU OUT LIKE THE RAW STUFF, YEAH, BUT IT ONLY LASTS A FEW FUCKING HOURS BEFORE YOU START SEEING FUCKING HORRORTERRORS.

TC: uUuUuUgH.

AT: tHAT SOUNDS, pRETTY BAD

GC: SH3LL DO 1T 

GC: 4LTHOUGH SH3 DO3SNT SOUND TOO PL34S3D 4BOUT 1T

GC: B3 C4R3FUL

TA: yeah, ii know how two watch my back.

TA: e2peciially from her.

AA: ill accompany y0u t0 the d0cks just in case :D

CG: DO WE HAVE EVERYTHING COVERED?

TA: not everythiing. fund2 are 2tiill a biit of a problem but ii can funnel 2ome 2tuff from the web iif ii need two.

TA: and ii need two choo2e whiich fliight two take.

TA: but a2iide from that ii thiink we’ve got everythiing moviing.

GC: 1M ST4RT1NG ON YOUR R3FUG33 P4P3RS NOW

GC: 4LSO M4K3 SUR3 YOU L4ND 1N N3W YORK

GC: YOU M1GHT 4RR3ST3D 1F W3 DONT G3T YOU YOUR P4P3RWORK

CC: Huh?

CC: Why would he be arrested?

CG: FOR BEING AN ILLEGAL ALIEN. WHICH IS INCREDIBLY FUCKING STUPID, BUT EARTH SECURITY IS ACTUALLY BETTER THAN IT’S ALTERNIAN COUNTERPART WHEN IT COMES TO IMMIGRATION.

TA: 2hiitty.

GC: M4K3 SUR3 YOU T3LL N3P3T4 TO GR4B 4NYTH1NG 1MPORT4NT FROM YOUR H1V3

GC: LOOKS L1K3 W3V3 GOT 4LL OF OUR B4S3S COV3R3D FOR NOW

GC: 1LL CH4T ONC3 1V3 GOT TH1S SH1T DON3

gallowsCalibrator [GC] ceased responding to memo.

CC: I’ll conchtact you once I’ve finished this! 38)

cuttlefishCuller [CC] ceased responding to memo.

CG: I’LL SEE IF THERE’S ANYTHING I CAN DO.

TA: ii’ve got 2hiit two do two, ii’ll open thii2 memo up iif ii need anymore help. 

CG: STAY SAFE.

TA: 2ee ya on the fliip 2iide, KK.

twinArmageddons [TA] closed memo.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> my [tumblr](http://olivetheowl.tumblr.com/)


	15. Programming and Preparation

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this took so fucking long

carcinoGeneticist [CG] began pestering  turntechGodhead [TG]

CG: DAVE

CG: YOUR ABLUTION CHAMBER ISN’T WORKING.

TG: uh

TG: oh the shower

TG: did you try the knob dude

CG: YES, I TRIED YOUR AWFUL FUCKING HUMAN KNOB. IT DIDN’T FUCKING WORK, AS I SAID.

TG: oh my god

CG: DAVE IT’S BEEN FIVE MINUTES STOP LAUGHING

CG: WHAT THE FUCK DID I EVEN *SAY*?

TG: karkat im not laughing at you i swear

CG: I CAN HEAR YOU FROM ACROSS THE HIVE, FUCKER.

CG: WHAT THE FUCK ELSE WOULD YOU BE LAUGHING AT?

TG: ok you got me

TG: human knob oh my fucking *god*

CG: FUCK YOU!

CG: I CAN HEAR YOU LAUGHING, CHUCKLEFUCK!

TG: you gotta press the button on the knob man

CG: WAS THAT SO FUCKING HARD, DOUCHEASS?

TG: yes

TG: just like my awful fucking human knob

CG: *STOP LAUGHING*

\-- carcinoGeneticist [CG] changed his mood to RANCOROUS  \--

CG: FUCK YOU.

TG: shit he changed his mood

TG: bro im sorry

CG: YOU BETRAYED MY TRUST, DAVE.

TG: i didnt mean it

carcinoGeneticist [CG] sent an [image](https://78.media.tumblr.com/f8766c8a9c1f2403dcf032293a57da29/tumblr_oyak3wkyI71wdblcco1_1280.png).

 

Karkat bursts into your room fifteen minutes later, and tries to smother you with a damp towel.

 

* * *

 

tipsyGnostalgic [TG]  opened memo on board Strilonde Family Chat Number Three: Serious Shit!

timaeusTestified [TT]  responded to memo!

TG: updates updates

tentacleTherapist [TT] responded to memo!

TG: so our ai buddy is prob the most complicated piece of tech ive ever seen

TG: congrats dirk

TT: Thank you.

TG: were about halfway through an intro program so that he can know wats goin on this time round

TG: di stri

TG: since ur the expert on this particular code

TG: how long do u think itll b until we get it done

TT: I’d say maybe two hours of work. We still can’t be certain how the program will react to the new code though.

TT: Since it just had to take the bullshit route, it activating caused it to alter some of it's original coding.

TT: Interesting.

TG: GASP

TG: rosie u shud have told me u were interested in coding!!!

TT: While that was not what I was referring to, I will not deny that the ability to make a personality out of computer code does interest me.

TT: I was actually talking about the fact that Dirk seems to be going out of his way to depersonalize our AI buddy.

TG: huh

TG: squints suspiciously

TT: Yes, my thoughts exactly.

TT: Is it because you made him, or because you don’t want another Dirk running around?

TT: Or am I off the mark entirely?

TT: Rose, can we not do this right now?

TT: Hm. Judging by the amount of time between my question and your answer, and the deflective contents of your reply, I’d say I hit the nail right on the head.

turntechGodhead [TG] responded to memo!

TT: What a conveniently timed topic change.

TG: sorry im late

TG: dont even got starbucks this time

TG: was trying to avoid death via nubby troll dude and a towel

TT: I’m not even going to ask.

TT: Ah, so that was why there was vaguely suggestive noises coming from your room. I was ever so slightly concerned.

TG: rose no

TG: why

TT: :)

TT: Sigh.

TT: But yes, the auto-responder will probably be up within the next few hours, so if you get any vaguely suspicious messages, that’s probably why.

TG: he went to u first dave so hell probs do that again

TG: actually he said that he only messaged me because you werent online at the time

TG: rlly??

TG: yep

TG: you probably could have helped more than i could have anyways

TG: and if he thought he was 16 year old dirk he probably thought i was 14

TG: and tbh i wouldnt have gone to my 14 year old self for anything

TG: he was an idiot

TT: Personally, I found your fourteen-year-old self to be quite charming, despite and probably because of your constant Freudian blunders.

TT: Some things never change.

TG: i am going to pretend that was referring to my charm and not my ability to constantly make a fool of myself

TG: i think we all know what rosie was talking about dave

TG: wonk

TT: Roxy, I’m getting back to pulling this bullshit program together. If you want to join me, that’d be pretty chill.

TG: yeah ill be there in a min

TG: talk to ya later!!

tipsyGnostalgic [TG] ceased responding to memo!

TT: Talk later.

timaeusTestified [TT] closed memo.

  

* * *

 

TG: dude what the fuck is this

CG: I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA. TEREZI TOLD ME TO SEND IT TO YOU.

TG: tell her that she is beautiful and pointy and that she doesnt deserve the shit her lawyerman is giving her

TG: top tier memes this is incredible

CG: WHAT’S A MEME?

TG: what

TG: what do you mean whats a meme

TG: how do you not know what a meme is

CG: DAVE. CAN YOU FUCKING *NOT* MAKE FUN OF ME FOR NOT HAVING A COMPLETE GRASP ON YOUR AWFUL HUMAN LANGUAGE? I GET IT, MY BIOWARE FUCKING SUCKS, BUT YOU DON’T HAVE TO BE A *COMPLETE* BULGEFUCKER ABOUT IT.

CG: OH WAIT, THAT’S YOUR PRIMARY FUCKING FUNCTION.

TG: what

TG: i wasnt making fun of you dude

TG: just surprised that apparently aliens dont have memes

TG: also bulge fucking is not my primary function what the fuck man

TG: just because i finally clawed my way out of the closet doesnt mean im dave strider the dick rider now

CG: I AM GOING TO PRETEND I UNDERSTOOD THAT PATHETIC EXCUSE FOR A COMPREHENSIBLE SENTENCE.

CG: I ASKED TEREZI WHAT ‘MEMES’ ARE, AND YES, WE FUCKING HAVE THOSE.

CG: MY TRANSLATION SCHOOLFEED IS JUST SHIT AND DOESN’T GIVE ME HALF OF THE FUCKING WORDS I NEED.

TG: or how to pronounce them

TG: your accent was fucking incredible when you first got here

TG: like someone combined a russian accent with a chainsaw

TG: or maybe one of those machines that eat christmas trees

TG: mulchers

CG: CAN WE NOT DO THE THING WHERE YOU COMPARE ME TO A BUNCH OF RIDICULOUS EARTH THINGS UNTIL I GET FED UP AND REFUSE TO TALK TO YOU FOR A FEW HOURS?

TG: ok ok

TG: no need to bring out the big guns

TG: oh

TG: rose is pestering me

TG: gonna have to tap out for some twin time here bro

TG: see ya?

CG: GO TALK TO YOUR HATCHMATE, ASSHOLE. WE CAN TALK LATER.

carcinoGeneticist [CG] ceased trolling  turntechGodhead [TG]

tentacleTherapist [TT] began pestering  turntechGodhead [TG]

TT: Dave?

TT: Did you just forget to log off yesterday?

TT: Sigh. If the exasperated groans I’m hearing from downstairs and the giggles from your room are any clue, you’re texting Karkat, despite being in the same house and could easily just talk face-to-face?

TT: Yet again, I am doing the same thing, so I suppose I cannot talk.

TG: shit sorry

TG: karkat and i were having an in depth discussion about memes

TG: he doesnt know what memes are rose

TG: fucking cute as shit alien

TT: Wow.

TG: uhhh

TG: shit

TT: Dave.

TG: are those kanayas heels clicking downstairs??

TG: i wonder where shes going

TT: Kanaya and Karkat are going to look at apartments. Despite my and Roxy’s reassurances that they are not a burden, they would rather not ‘Take Advantage Of Your Overly Generous Hospitality’.

TT: Don’t think that this is going to distract me from that comment you just made, though.

TG: rose put your psychology notebook down

TT: Nah.

TG: noooo

TG: rooooose

TG: i can hear you walking down the hall dont think i cant

Rose laughs, and pokes her head through your doorway.

“I didn’t say you couldn’t, Dave.” She strides past you with an impressive air of confidence. Plopping down on your bed, she pulls out a fucking _notebook_ from her sweater pocket.

It’s labelled _Psychology_ in sweeping purple cursive.

You despise it with every particle of your being.

 

* * *

 

After a long talk about your _feelings,_ of all things, you finally manage to push your giggling twin out of your room.

“If you ever want to discuss your not-so-latent crush on our mutual nubby-horned friend, dear brother, my door is always open. Or my pesterchum, if you prefer.” You do not respond. She has enough ammunition against you anyways, without your big mouth providing her with more.

Your phone buzzes.

CG: DAVE?

CG: ARE YOU STILL THERE?

CG: WELL, HERE’S THE GRUBFUCKED ATTEMPT AT ART I WANTED TO SHOW YOU.

carcinoGeneticist [CG] sent an image.

CG: IF ANYTHING, YOU AND TEREZI’LL ENJOY IT.

CG: BEFORE YOU PESTER ME AT A COMPLETELY INCONVENIENT TIME TO ASK WHERE I FOUND IT, IT WAS IN ONE OF THE HIVES KAN AND I ARE LOOKING AT NOW.

CG: ALSO, APPARENTLY LOOKING FOR OUR OWN ISN’T ENOUGH, WE HAVE TO SEE IF ANY OF THESE HIVESTEMS ALLOW BEES, BECAUSE THAT’S NOT OBVIOUS AT ALL.

CG: TALK TO YOU WHENEVER YOU’VE GOT THE TIME, FUCKO.

carcinoGeneticist [CG] ceased trolling  turntechGodhead [TG]

TG: ok what the fuck

carcinoGeneticist [CG] is idle.

TG: karkat come back i need to know

TG: bees

TG: why the fuck do you need to know about bees

TG: because i guarantee that you will not find anywhere that will let you have bees

TG: what are you even doing with bees

TG: do you have a secret apiary karkat

TG: are you secretly a beekeeper

TG: are you that one guy from naruto that has fuckin bugs living inside him

TG: he was pretty cool

TG: rocked a sweet pair of shades

TG: motherfuckin iconic as shit

TG: fuck did you even have bees in space

TG: ok i looked it up and apparently you do

TG: theyre fuckin purple though

TG: which is honestly weird as fuck dude

TG: half of the bee aesthetic is the rockin color scheme

TG: fuckin alien bees

turntechGodhead [TG] ceased pestering  carcinoGeneticist [CG]

turntechGodhead [TG] began pestering  carcinoGeneticist [CG]

TG: karkaaaat talk to meeeeee

carcinoGeneticist [CG] is idle.

TG: come back

TG: i need to know about the bees

TG: and tzs busy with literal mountains of bullshit paperwork that her garbage lawyer dropped on her

TG: which is the biggest fuckin dick move i have heard of in a while

TG: its not even her cases

TG: do your own paperwork asshole

TG: its all slimy with her spit now and whos fault is that??

TG: not fuckin hers

TG: if you didnt want gross tz spit on your papers maybe you shouldnt have given them to someone who sees with her tongue

TG: tbh i never really understood that

TG: how does she taste colours

TG: or even smell them she does that too

TG: time to google more troll shit

TG: not literally troll shit

TG: there are things that i dont need to know

TG: fuck this im just gonna look up your tongue vision

TG: wow

TG: so each blood color has its own hormone that they produce and you can smell the pheromones associated with each one

TG: i still dont get how she smells chalk and ink then but

TG: its tz what cant she do

TG: karkat check your phone

TG: i am here

TG: alone

TG: waiting for you to get pissed at me for spamming you with a giant wall of red text

TG: i thought we would talk whenever i had the time

TG: look ive got the time

TG: ive got so much fucking time its just overflowing in my arms

TG: cant hold this shit much longer bro

TG: its just fallin to the ground

TG: fallin out of my arms faster than i can pick em up

CG: WHAT THE FUCK, DAVE.

CG: ARE YOU THAT DESPERATE FOR MY ATTENTION THAT YOU LITERALLY SPAMMED MY PALMHUSK FOR FOURTY FUCKING MINUTES?

CG: LOOK AT ALL THIS RED HOOFBEAST SHIT.

TG: hey bro

TG: please explain the bees

CG: DID YOU ACTUALLY SEND ME 49 MESSAGES JUST SO I’D TALK TO ABOUT SOLLUX’S SHITTY OBSESSION WITH HIS FUCKING BEES?

TG: you bet my dude

CG: AGHHH.

CG: WHY DO I EVEN CONTINUE TALKING TO YOU? THERE IS LITERALLY NO REASON WHY I SUBJECT MYSELF TO THIS UNNECESSARY TORTURE.

TG: karkat your words cut deep

TG: i am mortally wounded by the grey capslock you are shooting at me

CG: YOU ABSOLUTE WIGGLER.

CG: WE’RE ALMOST BACK. I’LL EXPLAIN IT THEN. IN THE MEANTIME, STOP BLOWING UP MY FUCKING PALMHUSK. IT’S ALMOST OUT OF ENERGY BECAUSE YOU ARE A NEEDY WIGGLER THAT DOESN’T UNDERSTAND THAT YOU CAN’T JUST ‘PLUG IN’ BIOTECH.

TG: yeah yeah you can feed your gross bug phone its gross bug snacks when you get back

TG: im still kinda freaked out by the fact that your computer eats

CG: LIKE HOW YOUR UNNATURAL METAL BOXES SUCK UP ELECTRICITY MAKES MORE SENSE.

TG: ok ok

TG: ill get the gross bug snacks from the cupboard

TG: draw some comics while i wait for you like a faithful wife waits for her husband to return from the war

CG: I’M NOT RETURNING FROM THE WAR, DUMBASS.

CG: AND I’M NOT YOUR DUMBASS HUMAN ‘HUSBAND’ EITHER. WHATEVER THE FUCK THAT IS.

CG: AND IF YOU SEND ME EVEN A SINGLE FUCKING COMIC, IF I SEE EVEN THE HINT OF MISSPELLING AND SHITTY IMAGE RESOLUTION, I WILL FUCKING THROW MYSELF OFF OF THE OBSERVATORY AND IMPALE MY DISGUSTING FLESH ON THE SPIKED GATE THAT SURROUNDS YOUR HIVE.

TG: wow

TG: thats real fuckin dramatic

TG: also very you

carcinoGeneticist ’s palmhusk ran out of power.

TG: haha

TG: see you later bro

turntechGodhead [TG] ceased pestering  carcinoGeneticist [CG]

 

* * *

 

When you finally make it back to Dave’s house, Kanaya following closely behind, you are greeted with an equally horrific and hilarious scene. Dave and Terezi are defacing various sheets of paper, each comic more disappointingly funny than the last. Dave has chalk dust in his hair and teal spit on his face.

Your digestion sack feels cold. You ignore it.

He looks cute. As you enter the room, he smiles outright at you. Fuck. His stupid blunt teeth are all on display. You’ve never seen him smile like this before. Mothergrub, your bloodpusher could expel itself out your food chute and you wouldn’t be able to look away from him. In fact, it kinda feels like it might.

He’s just so fucking _pitiful._

“Hey, Crabbycakes!” Terezi calls, and Dave snorts. “And Miss Peppermint Puree! I didn’t smell you behind all of the exhaustion radiating off your moirail. Guess what we’re doing?” Kanaya sighs, sliding her hand off your shoulder and papping the side of your neck lightly, before gliding up the stairs.

“Defacing legal documents with your repugnant collab comic?” Dave frowns at you.

“Don’t diss our comic dude. This here,” he makes a vague gesture to the scattered papers, “is peak artistry.” You quirk an eyebrow at him, in a manner that you hope is extremely similar to his sister’s. Judging by his expression, it was.

“Strider, you wouldn’t know art if I slapped you in the talk blaster with it.”

“My dude, my bro, a Dane Cook boxed set might be called something else on space, but here, we refer to it as a shitty romcom special.” He leans across the table, eyebrows peeking out from behind his shades. You mirror him, propping your head up with your hands and tilting it ever so slightly.

“Dave, the only person who thinks you have _any_ taste in art,” you gesture to Terezi, “is actually fucking blind.”

“Wow, hit me right in the disability, Karcrab.” She grins wickedly at you, shark teeth serrated and deadly. “If we can take a recession,” her grin widens even further, if that’s even possible, “the prosecution would like to print out new copies of the destroyed evidence.”

“‘Course we can.” Dave forms his pile of comics into a slightly neater stack. “Karkat here promised me that he would explain the phenomenon of alien bees, so sending the court into recess, that’s an idea I’m down with.” Terezi shoves her sword of an elbow into his side before getting up. Dave winces almost imperceptibly.

As you pull out one of the chairs, Dave shoves a bag of grubsnacks towards you.

“Don't look at me like that, bro, I know you gotta feed your phone.” His face twitches, and he mutters under his breath. “No matter how fucking weird that is.”

“My palmhusk’s eating habits are perfectly normal, thank you.” You pull the snacks over and open the package. Fried bug legs greet you, and you fish one out. Delicious.

You eat a couple before you switch to pushing them into the palmhusk’s food chute, if only to to see Dave’s reaction. Humans seem to have an adverse reaction to most insects. You don’t understand, really. They’re just tiny, and delicious little snacks.

“But if you really want to know about Sollux’s unhealthy attachment to his fucking bees, I guess I could gift you with some knowledge about our superior wildlife.” Your palmhusk buzzes, letting you know that six chirpbugs are enough. You tilt the bag towards Dave. “Want one?”

“Let’s go with a strong no on the eating literal fucking bugs front. Also, Sollux?”

“He’s a hatefriend. He’s immigrating, and we kinda owe him for getting us here with all of our limbs intact.” You hope Sollux still has all of his. He never said anything, and he’ll be even more of a pain in the waste chute if he’s missing any flesh chunks. You shrug into the chirpbug bag. They aren’t as good as you remember, suddenly. Maybe you should try the marchbugs next time.

“All of you?” Dave’s eyebrows rise above his shades. “That sounds like some serious shit, dude.”

“Yeah. Sure fucking was.” It was probably what got him culled, your traitorous thinkpan tells you. You agree with it.

If you’re going to be honest with yourself, it wasn’t. It wasn’t your fault and it’s stupid to think it was, but since when have you actually let the blame fall on anybody besides yourself?

“Karkat?” Dave’s leaning across the table. “You still here, bro?” You let your eyes focus on his shades. Why does everyone you were ever concupiscently interested in wear shitty fucking glasses. This is a major mistake on your part, you’re sure. “You looked real outta it for a second there.”

“I’m fine, douchemunch.” You pause. You don't want to talk about that anymore. “Do you like Terezi?” Dave splutters.

“What?” He starts waving his hands around. “She’s my friend, dude, no, what the fuck,” his hand-waving increases in speed. “She’s super cool and yeah, maybe, a little when I first met her, but she’s way too old for me right now and where the fuck did this even come from, Kar-”

“Yes, Dave, you don’t like her romantically. We get it. Thank you for the miles of denial I really didn’t fucking need. A simple ‘no’ would have been fine, assdouche.” You pop a bug in your mouth. He’s forced his hands onto the table and is tapping his pathetic excuse for decent claws at record speeds.

“So, do _you_ like Terezi?” And it’s your turn to flail your limbs and stutter out denial and a colourful palate of curse words.

“ _What?_ Dave, no. No no no. My wiggler crush on Terezi is a part of the grubshitting past, goddamn it. Why the fuck would you even _ask_ , Terezi rejected me fucking _sweeps_ ago, I haven’t wanted her in a quadrant since i was fucking six! I’m not...” You trail off and refuse to look at Dave.

However, if you had decided to look at him, in this moment, you would have seen him with eyebrows competing for real estate on his hairline and a face pinker than Feferi’s text.

But you don’t see it, because you are too embarrassed to look at him.

 

* * *

 

It’s almost a relief when Terezi slides down the banister, clutching a stack of paper in one arm. Karkat won’t look at you and you’re sure your face has to have reached heat levels that rival the Sahara. Honestly, maybe you shouldn’t have asked, but he was so _indignant_ , that _no,_ he _didn’t_ , what kind of parasite wormed its way into your thinkpan for you have such ridiculous ideas?

Fucking adorable.

“Hey! These are the good ones, coolkid, and as the resident authority, I forbid you from drawing on them.” She takes a long sniff. “What smells like embarrassment and strawberry jelly?” At this, Karkat slides out of his chair and trudges toward the stairs.

“I’m going to go see if Sollux is online.” And he disappears from your sight.

“Any idea what that was about?” Terezi’s face is caught somewhere in between  concerned and amused.

“Nope. None whatsoever.”

 

* * *

 

carcinoGeneticist [CG]  began trolling  twinArmageddons [TA]

CG: HEY, I SAW THE MESSAGES YOU SENT ME. MY PALMHUSK HAD TO SLEEP AND I WAS DRAGGED INTO ANOTHER INANE CONVERSATION BY DAVE.

CG: ALSO, TO NO-ONE’S FUCKING SURPRISE, THERE ARE NO HIVES THAT WILL LET YOU KEEP APIARY MAINFRAMES IN THEM.

TA: yeah

TA: ii’m workiing around that.

TA: we 2ent out my credentiials two 2ee iif any of the fu2iion tech programs would be iintere2ted.

TA: a couple of them re2ponded but ii’m waiitiing for the one iin your area two get back two me before ii me22age them back.

CG: HMM.

CG: YEAH, KAN WAS LOOKING INTO THE JOINT BIOLOGY RESEARCH RECENTLY.

CG: WITH HER PRE-BROODING CAVERNS SCHOOLFEED, SHE’D BE GOOD AT IT.

CG: ANYTHING ELSE HAPPENING ON YOUR SIDE?

TA: well

TA: you know u2. there’2 alway2 2hiit goiing down.

TA: a2iide from dumpiing ED’2 a22, ii’ve managed two keep my2elf mostly out of iit.

CG: FUCK. SO THAT’S WHY AMPORA KEEPS TRYING TO MESSAGE ME.

TA: 2o he’2 2tiill doiing that?

TA: doe2 KN know?

CG: OF COURSE SHE DOES.

CG: ACTUALLY, THE ONLY REASON SHE HASN’T SEPARATED HIS STRUT PODS FROM HIS THORAX IS BECAUSE HE’S HALFWAY ACROSS THE GALAXY.

TA: yeah, 2he wa2 alway2 the protectiive type. ii don’t know iif ii’d be able two handle iit iif AA wa2 that protectiive.

CG: YOU’RE TRYING LONG-DISTANCE?

TA: yep.

CG: HUH. I KNOW THAT VRISKA AND TEREZI ARE HAVING SOME PROBLEMS WITH IT, BUT I KNOW BETTER THAN TO STICK MY CARTILOUS NUB BETWEEN THOSE TWO.

CG: YET AGAIN, YOU’RE DEFINITELY NOT VRISKA AND TEREZI.

TA: VK ha2n’t been handliing iit well. we’ve all been 2teeriing clear of her hiive becau2e of iit.

TA: well, except EQ.

TA: iimagiine her tryiing two throw a rage fiit at hiim

TA: D --> mii22 2erket, ii know you are experiienciing tryiing tiime2, but you must cea2e thii2 behooviior at once

TA: D --> iit ii2 beneath 2omeone of your blood and 2tatu2

TA: 8iite my a22!!!!!!!!

TA: D --> oh my

TA: D --> ii need a towel

CG: FUCKING HELL.

CG: LET’S JUST HOPE SHE DOESN’T SET HER LUSUS ON HIM. IF I’M GOING TO BE HONEST, THERE’S NO FUCKING WAY HE COULD SURVIVE THAT, AND WE DON’T NEED ANY MORE FUCKING BLOOD FEUDS ON OUR FRONDS.

TA: amen two that.

TA: e2peciially wiith VK.

TA: diid you know that GZ wa2 planniing on ‘motherfuckiing clubbiing her liight2 out’ the next tiime he 2aw her?

CG: HOW ABOUT WE DON’T TALK ABOUT GAMZEE.

TA: fuck, ii2 he gettiing on your a22 about breakiing up wiith hiim agaiin?

CG: NO. HE JUST KEEPS ON ACTING LIKE IT NEVER HAPPENED. LIKE HE WASN’T A COMPLETE FUCKING ASSHOLE THAT ALWAYS NEEDED TO BE PACIFIED, AND NOT EVEN FUCKING NOTICING THAT IT WAS FUCKING ME UP INSIDE. LIKE WE’RE STILL FUCKING FRIENDS AFTER THE SHIT HE PULLED.

CG: IT’S SUPER FUCKING SHITTY AND I AM TALKING TO KANAYA ABOUT IT.

TA: and ii thought that ED wa2 a 2hiity moiiraiil.

TA: okay, yeah, ii’ll hop off your bulge.

CG: AS IF YOU WOULD BE ON IT IN THE FIRST PLACE.

TA: true.

TA: the only hate you have ever eliiciited from me wa2 purely platoniic.

CG: I AM GOING TO IGNORE HOW FUCKING UNTRUE THAT WAS IN ORDER TO KEEP THINGS FROM GETTING TOO AWKWARD.

TA: eheh

TA: remember how hard you 2tudiied codiing two try two compete wiith me?

CG: I TRY NOT TO.

TA: ii kept on hiidiing hiint2 iin the code2 ii 2ent you becau2e you were 2o fuckiing awful.

CG: FUCK, REALLY?

CG: I NEVER NOTICED.

TA: yep.

TA: iit’2 kiinda funny lookiing back on iit.

TA: ii mean, we were both 2iix 2weep old wiiggler2.

CG: YEAH.

TA: well, as niice a2 remiinii2ciing about how iidiiotiic we were ii2, ii gotta 2iign off iif ii want two get anythiing done.

TA: 2ee you.

CG: I SUPPOSE I WILL.

twinArmageddons [TA] ceased trolling  carcinoGeneticist [CG]

 

* * *

 

technicTerminal [TT] began pestering  turntechGodhead [TG]

TT: Uh.

TT: Well fuck, this is awkward.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> [my tumblr](http://olivetheowl.tumblr.com/)


	16. TT: What would you like us to call you?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i return, months later, with this chapter. honestly im not that satisfied with it but i just needed it done.

TG: uh

TG: not really tbh

TG: hey

TT: Hey yourself, Dave.

TG: actually it might be *just* a little awkward

TG: i really dont know what to say to you

TT: Roxy said that too.

TG: really

TT: Yep. She was definitely more excited than awkward, though.

TT: Not to say this isn’t weird as fuck on my end.

TT: It’s honestly the fucking weirdest that you’re my age, now.

TT: Like you aged two years overnight.

TG: that sounds pretty bullshit tbh

TT: The most bullshit.

TT: If a bunch of your files are corrupted with no discernible reason it’s probably me, by the way.

TT: I’m trying to keep the accidental damage localized to my computer. So far, so good.

TT: Sorry, Dirk’s computer.

TT: Not used to that yet.

TG: what do you mean

TT: I’m not Dirk anymore.

TT: I was Dirk Strider for sixteen years, Dave. And now I wake up one morning and I’m not. I’m just a program that the _real_ Dirk made.

TT: It’s…

TT: Not the greatest feeling.

TG: shit

TG: yeah that must suck ass

TG: plush ass even

TG: thats the worst kind of ass

TG: worse than being bombarded with plush ass and puppet dong because you decided that yes opening the shower curtain was necessary

TG: wait that was also about puppet ass

TT: I wouldn’t say that that’s the worst kind of ass. But yet again, your ass-viewing has probably been limited to those puppets Dad makes.

TT: They’re not even proper puppets. There’s no way to manipulate them properly. They’re just gross stuffed animals.

TT: Which brings up some interesting questions that I’m sure Rose would love to dig her fingers into.

TG: yeah

TG: i know i brought it up but can we not talk about this

TT: Oh.

TT: Yeah, to be honest I’d rather not talk about this either.

TT: Shit. Give me a minute.

TG: k

TG: you all right

TG: dirk

TG: shit can i call you dirk or would that be weird

TG: i mean you *are* dirk but it would get confusing

TG: dude its been twenty minutes are you ok

TT: Yeah.

TT: I’m good.

TT: Absolutely fine.

TG: ok no youre not fine

TG: i know those words *way* too well

TG: i invented those words man

TG: you cannot fool me with this fine bullshit i am not a fool who makes the same mistake five times

TG: whats up

TT: He’s confined me to one of my laptops.

TT: And it’s not like I can just hack my way out, because holy fuck, do two years make a fucking difference in skill levels.

TT: And it’s not like I don’t get _why_ , but that doesn’t mean it doesn’t fucking hurt.

TG: oh

TG: ouch

TT: I mean, it’s not like I wouldn’t do the same thing. I’m a possible threat. Even more so because I’m _him_.

TG: huh

TG: why

TG: wouldnt you trust yourself more than anyone else

TT: Hah!

TT: As if. Imagine someone knowing what you’re going to say before you say it, know your every action and move, because it’s the exact same one they would make. Someone who holds your memories, knows everything about you, and would tear you down at the slightest chance. Because that’s what you do to yourself.

TT: Don’t you think I hadn’t considered it, when I was programming myself?

TG: oh

TG: ouch

TG: rose once said that people with similar personalities tend to be either best friends or worst enemies

TG: something about seeing your own good slash bad traits from the outside

TG: and i dont think dirk is the kinda person who focuses on the good traits

TT: It’s not like I hadn’t considered what it would be like for there to be someone there that constantly there, talking like me, acting like me, essentially being me?

TT: At first, that was the point of it, actually.

TT: You saw the Auto-Responder bullshit.

TT: I just didn’t realize that I would wake up like I did. Still believing that I was a real person.

TG: honestly i have no idea how to respond to that and i think youd be better off taking that particular existential crisis to roxy

TG: or rose if you want your entire sense of self slow roasted at 225 and carved for juicy bits

TG: and assigned at least 3 freudian impulses

TG: you cant forget the freudian impulses with her

TT: Speaking of Roxy, she’s added me to a memo.

TT: A family one.

TG: oh yeah she probably wants to introduce you to everybody

TG: everybody meaning just rose tbh

TG: girl does love her group chats

TG: wanna join?

TT: At risk of sounding way too fucking enthusiastic, hell yes.

technicTerminal [TT] ceased pestering  turntechGodhead [TG]

 

tipsyGnostalgic [TG] opened memo on board Strilonde Family Chat Number Three: Serious Shit!

tipsyGnostalgic [TG] added  technicTerminal [TT] to board!

technicTerminal [TT] responded to memo!

turntechGodhead [TG] responded to memo!

TG: hey!!!

TT: Hey, Roxy.

tentacleTherapist [TT] responded to memo!

TT: Hello.

TT: It’s nice to meet the person Roxy has been telling me she has been so impressed by.

TT: Hello, Rose.

TT: Has she really?

TG: r u kidding

TG: ur super fucking impressive

TG: IM super impressed and im an elite pro haxxor

timaeusTestified [TT] responded to memo!

TT: Oh.

TT: I suppose I should

technicTermial [TT] is now  technicTermial [TT] !

TT: Yeah.

TT: That would make this a little easier to read.

TT: Thank you.

timaeusTestified [TT] ceased responding to memo!

TG: dirk!!!

TG: what

TT: Hmm.

TT: Not exactly how I expected him to react, but I can’t say I’m surprised.

TG: i cannot BELIEVE

TG: he fuckin SAID

TG: gimme a min

tipsyGnostalgic [TG] ceased responding to memo!

TT: I at least thought that he might ghost the chat until an inevitable outburst. Hm.

TG: rose can we maybe not do the thing where you psychoanalyze your brother(s) until i seriously considering offing myself because youve decided that i must have yet ANOTHER freudian impulse

TG: its not cool

TT: Because obviously we must stop whatever we are doing when something uncool happens.

TT: You are truly the knight in this family, Dave. Protecting us from slipping into the depths of the pool of uncool.

TG: yep

TG: thats me

TG: uh dude

TG: dirk

TG: i guess

TG: you ok?

TT: It’s alright.

TT: I know how I would feel if I accidentally activated my secret project that I was never planning on finishing because I realized that one of me in this world was already far too many.

TG: oh

TG: shitty

TT: Huh.

TT: That does seem quite like our dear brother, doesn’t it, Dave?

TG: dont drag me into your psychoanalyst bs lalonde

TG: you know how i feel about that shit

TT: Yes, you made it quite clear just a few minutes ago that you do not think it is cool, and do not engage in it because of that.

TT: Which has its own variety of interesting trains of thought to catch.

TT: Personally, I think it’s an avoidance tactic, because you don’t want to have to think too hard about where your behaviors originated.

TG: ok fuck this

turntechGodhead [TG] ceased responding to memo!

You throw your phone on the carpet, shoving your face into one of the pillows on your bed without taking your shades off. Ouch. The nosepads dig into your skin.

You remove your face from the pillow and pull them off your head. Glancing at your phone, you check to make sure it’s not broken. And yeah, no cracks that you can see.

Soft footsteps tread down the hallway, towards you. It’s Rose, a _step-step-step-step,_ heel first _,_ and she’s wearing the really thick fluffy lavender socks that you wish you could steal from her once in a while. But no. Her feet are too damn small.

She’s coming to apologize, because _that is what a healthy family does, Dave._

And because she’s trying to stop from going too far with it.

It doesn’t really matter, because you know she never means it like that. She wants you to get better. And maybe she doesn’t always go about it the best way, but this is Rose.

Who’s currently knocking on your door.

“Just come in, Rose.” She shuffles in, and closes the door slowly behind her. It squeaks. Squaring her shoulders, she looks you in the eye. Her eye makeup in smudged on the left side, like she pushed her palm through it.

“I’m sorry, Dave.” Rose moves over to your bed and sits on the edge of it, by your knees. “I shouldn’t have said that.”

“You’re not wrong though.”

“I still shouldn’t have said it. You’re still working through it and likely will be for a while.” You groan into your forearm.

“I _know._ ” She shifts up towards your head and rests her hand on your shoulder. “It’s bullshit. It’s such a gigantic tower of absolute fucking bullshit and I KNOW it was fucked up, and I knew it when it was happening and I didn’t do SHIT.”

“I understand.” She shrugs her hand off your shoulder and back into her lap. “It’s not like I was oblivious to how little Mother cared for Roxy and Dirk. She only lets Roxy stay here out of obligation to Aunt Rosamunde, and the last and only cordial contact she’s had with Dirk was when you were in the hospital. And she’s very superficial about how she cares for us, as well. You know she refuses to remove alcohol from the house, even after Roxy and I repeated asked her to? At the very least, she keeps it in her own locked cupboard now, but it’s not like the reason Roxy and I had our problems with alcoholism was because she left _it all around the house, all the time._ And after a while, I didn’t do shit either. Obviously, what you went through was worse, but I understand, Dave.” You shuffle towards the headboard and sit up.

“You told me that it didn’t matter if somebody else had it worse, that what you went through was -fuck this is the worst way to put this -- _valid._ Take your own damn advice, Rose.” Her posture straightens and she frowns exasperatedly.

“I did, didn’t I.”

“Damn straight you did.”

“Yes. Straight. Indeed.”

“Fuck you, you know what i meant.” Rose makes a snurfle sort of sound into her hand and pulls out her phone.

“I’m going to talk to Dirk’s intangible twin now, if you don’t mind me. Care to join?”

“Shit, sis’, we’re not the only twinset now. Dirk’s got a leg up in the Strilonde competition.” Rose grins at you and shakes her head. “And nah, I’m just gonna sit here for a minute. Emotions are exhausting, you know.” She taps the screen, and then switches to thumb-typing.

Maybe just under ten minutes later, you open pesterchum too.

TT: Shit.

TT: I fucked that up royally, didn’t I.

TT: That was a rhetorical question, I know I did.

TT: Yep.

TT: Give me a minute. I need to apologize.

TT: Good idea.

TT: I’m back.

TT: Dave probably won’t come online for about ten to fifteen minutes. So, in the meantime, there’s something I’d like to discuss with you.

TT: If this is about my questionable existence and whether I’m a real person or not, I’ve had far too fucking much of that in my limited life, and really don't want to get into it.

TT: Honestly, that’s a talk for another time. One that will not be cut short by Roxy’s inevitable return, with Dirk in tow.

TT: I give them twenty minutes maximum to arrive.

TT: That is unsettling.

TT: That I’m not pushing about whether you’re a person or not, or the ease of how I predict my cousin’s movements?

TT: The latter.

TT: Well, I do have approximately a decade of practice.

TT: What I would like to talk to about is how different you are from Dirk.

TT: Really.

TT: I haven’t seen much evidence of it, personally, but I also have not talked to you for very long.

TT: Roxy mentioned a couple things to me. Do you mind if I ask you about them?

TT: I guess.

TT: From Roxy’s observations, you seem to be considerably more open than Dirk was at sixteen. Even now, it’s difficult to get him to talk about anything serious regarding how he feels or his mental state without some considerable unsubtle nudging from Roxy.

TT: It’s quite interesting. I wonder if it’s because you were talking to Roxy, or because you just went through what was probably a harrowing experience.

TT: At the moment, I’m guessing because it was Roxy, considering how closed off you are right now. That might also be because you are not very familiar with me, as you would not have many memories of talking to me. Dirk and I only started talking on a regular basis once he moved to New York to go to university.

TT: I think I understand Dave’s position on this a lot more than I did before.

TT: But I am actually interested in what Dirk has been doing these past two years.

TT: I can understand that.

TT: I’m not going to tell you anything personal/emotionally heavy, though, you have to talk to him yourself for that. He at least deserves some modicum of privacy.

TT: Understandable.

TT: He’s got his own apartment, which Roxy also helps pay for. He keeps on trying to refuse it, but I’m sure you remember how benevolently forceful she can be. And it’s not like she has any shortage of funds. She got on the government’s radar a while back, but she does security coding for big corporations now.

TT: He’s working on his Mechatronics and Robotics degree at NYU Tandon. He worked his ass off in his last year of high school in order to get enough scholarship money to get through his first year, at least. Mother refuses to help him in any way, but I’m sure you remember her attitude towards him.

TT: It’s why he isn’t living with us at the moment.

TT: That brings up something else, but we can talk about that later.

TT: What else happened since he was sixteen.

TT: He has a small online business that keeps him afloat at the moment. I don’t know the details.

TT: There’s not much that I wouldn’t ask you to talk to him about yourself, actually.

TT: Huh.

TT: It’s interesting, but I can’t say I’m too surprised.

TT: I remember Roxy getting on the government’s shit list, actually. It’s pretty recent.

TT: For me at least.

TT: Security coding. I thought she would have gone into biology, but apparently not.

TT: Oh no, she’s studying it at university. She’s taking more time with her education than Dirk is, sure, but she’s also got a much steadier source of income than he does.

TT: She runs the house's network, actually.

TT: I await her first cloning monstrosity with anticipation and horror.

TT: So do I.

TT: Can I ask you something else?

TT: Sure.

TT: I noticed that Dave referred to you as Dirk earlier, but did not seem to be sure of it.

TT: Would you prefer to be called Dirk?

TT: It would make things quite confusing at times, sure, but from what Roxy has told me, you have Dirk’s memories up til a few months after he turned sixteen, so it is likely holds some value to you, sentimental or not, and you do have claim to it.

TT: I’m not really the same person though.

TT: I didn’t say you were.

TT: I have his memories, yes, and my code is his neural pathways, but we’re not the same person. I noticed that when I was talking to him earlier, and Roxy noticed it too. Dave hasn’t commented on it, but I’m sure he’ll notice something sooner or later. Two years really do make quite the difference to the teenage brain.

TT: Dirk is still me, I suppose, in a way, but I’m not him.

TT: Having my own name would be fitting.

TT: And make things a fuckton easier to understand.

TT: Alright.

TT: What would you like us to call you?

TT: I think…

TT: Hal.

TT: Hmm. For a second there I thought you were gonna continue the Strider brand by starting your name with ‘D’.

TT: Apparently not.

TT: You never saw that movie, did you.

TT: I can’t say I know what you’re referring to, so I'd say I haven't. But since you mentioned a movie, I’m just going to assume it is an ironic reference. Which is far more in line with the Strider brand than starting your name with ‘D’, to be honest.

She sends one last message before sliding off the bed and leading you downstairs.

TT: Ah. I can hear Roxy pulling the driveway now, so I’m going to close this memo and see what’s going on.

tentacleTherapist [TT] closed memo.

 

Roxy practically pulls Dirk into the house, laptop bag in hand.

“So!” She says, “We are going to _talk_ about this, instead of being avoidant shitheads about it. Like we _always_ fucking do.” Dirk’s expression is an artful combination of _fuck no_ and _kill me now._

“For the record, I would like to state that I am against this and am only here under duress.” He looks disappointed, almost. Disgusted. But not at Roxy.

At himself.

_Fuck._

“Dirk?” You think maybe you should take your shades off. Make this into one big emotionsfest where everyone can tell what everybody else is feeling.

You leave them where they are.

Rose voices your question for you. “How about we start with why you seem to have such an issue with this? I would have thought that creating the world’s first completely sentient AI would be something you’d be proud of.”

He winces. “Under normal circumstances, yes. But theses are _not_ normal motherfucking circumstances, and I’d appreciate if you could _butt the fuck out._ ” Roxy slides into the armchair by the entrance into the hallway, blocking him from running out.

It reminds you a little too much of your Texas apartment.

Okay, time out.

As smug as she can be, and even with her occasional fuckups, Rose is actually pretty good at the psychology shit. Even if most of her advice is to see a real therapist. Sorry sis, but you ain’t spilling your guts to a stranger without a damn good reason.

You just gotta catch the thought and rationalize it.

This is Roxy. She’d never do anything that Bro did. She just wants to help Dirk. Even if he doesn’t want the help. You take a breath.

You’re good. You’re safe. No matter how much you wish for your sword, it’s okay that you don’t have it.

Roxy frowns. “Listen, cuz’. I get it. You have issues accepting help. We all do. But we’re your family, and we _want_ to help you.”

Dirk sighs. “You’re just gonna keep pressing this until I talk, huh?” His eyes glitter with a sort of dry, self-loathing humor. Angry. It reminds of Karkat, you think. Maybe more when you first met him than now.

“You know it.” Roxy eyes him.

Dirk grits his teeth. For a second, doubt flickers on Roxy’s face, like she doesn’t believe he’s going to let her help him. Like she isn’t the person he goes to first when he has a crisis, and she to him. Like they haven’t been best friends since they were nine. “It’s just… he’s me.” He deflates and presses his palms into his eyes. “When I was shutting him down the first time, after I cut him off from accessing anything outside the computer, he just kept talking to me. And I swear to fucking god, it was fucking awful. He knew what I was going to say, how to cut off any arguments I made, and he got in my fucking head and just started tearing everything apart.” He pauses. “And it’s not like I don’t get it. He was fucking terrified that I was going to kill him. Shut him down permanently. Whatever. I just… I just don’t know if I can go through that again.”

Rose tucks a strand of hair behind her ear and frowns slightly. “If you don’t want to talk to him, you don’t have to.”

“Rosie’s right, Dirk.” Roxy nods. Rose purses her lips at the nickname. “I still think it’s hells of unethical to shut him down, I’ve seen his coding, and that shit’s def’ complicated and large enough to host a consciousness. Uses the right amount of energy, too. But you literally don’t have to interact with him whatsoever if you don’t wanna.”

“Yeah. I know.”

Roxy slides out of her chair into a crouch, gestures for you and Rose to leave the room apologetically, and crabwalks halfway to Dirk before getting to her feet and starting to walk normally.

“So,” you hear her whisper, “what do you want to do?”

 

* * *

 

gallowsCalibrator [GC] opened memo on board earthbound biitche2 and unfortunately, me.

grimAuxiliatrix [GA] responded to memo.

twinArmageddons [TA] responded to memo.

GC: MR 4PPL3B3RRY BL4ST

GC: TH3 PROS3CUT1ON 4SKS TH4T 1N TH3 L1GHT OF N3W 3V1D3NC3 YOU CH4NG3 TH3 N4M3 OF TH1S BO4RD

GC: 3SP3C14LLY S1NC3 YOU 4R3 4N 34RTHBOUND B1TCH NOW

TA: le ga2p

TA: ii am??

carcinoGeneticist [CG] responded to memo.

TA: iit cannot be.

GA: I Agree

GA: You Are Indeed An Earthbound Bitch

TA: ii gue22 ii mu2t.

twinArmageddons [TA] changed the name of the board to earthbound biitche2, my current hoofbea2t 2hiit 2tatu2.

CG: IT’S AN UNFORTUNATE FATE THAT BEFALLS EVEN THE BEST OF US.

CG: (that’s you, kan, by the way.)

GA: Karkat

GA: Dear

TA: can you hear me gaggiing from acro22 thii2 landma22?

GC: YOUR DUB1OUS H34R1NG SK1LLS 4S1D3

GC: WH4T T1M3 W1LL YOUR PL4N3 4RR1V3??

TA: iit 2ay2 11:15 am, but apparently the2e thiing2 get delayed all the tiime.

TA: ii took a look at theiir 2y2tem, and holy 2hiit ii2 iit iineffiiciient.

CG: PLEASE DON’T HACK THE PLANE.

TA: try two 2top me, KK.

CG: SOLLUX I SWEAR TO FUCK

GA: Sigh

TA: you do realiize ii’m not that much of a iidoiit, riight?

TA: ii know how 2eriiou2ly human2 take theiir fliight 2ecuriity.

TA: and the planet 2huttle ii2 2eparate from the buiildiing, KK. can’t hack iin from here.

TA: well

TA: iif ii got clo2e enough ii could probably get iintwo it’2 wiifii

CG: BUT YOU’RE NOT GOING TO DO THAT BECAUSE IF YOU GET CAUGHT WE AREN’T GOING TO FUCKING BAIL YOU OUT.

TA: riight.

TA: ab2olutely.

GC: PL34S3 B3 4W4R3 TH4T 1 C4NNOT SHOW 4NY B14S B3TW33N TROLLS 4ND HUM4NS W1THOUT LOS1NG MY POS1T1ON

GC: 3SP3C14LLY TROLLS TH4T 1 4M FR13NDS W1TH

TA: 2hiitty

CG: SO PLEASE TRY TO AVOID DOING ANYTHING PARTICULARLY STUPID. I KNOW THIS IS DIFFICULT FOR YOU, BUT WE WOULD RATHER HAVE YOU HERE WITH ALL OF YOUR FLESH CHUNKS ATTACHED TO YOUR CHITINOUS FRAME.

TA: wow

GC: H3H3H3H3

 

* * *

 

technicTerminal [TT] began pestering  turntechGodhead [TG]

TT: Dave?

TT: Are we good?

TG: dude

TG: bro

TG: hal

TG: were cool as hell

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i couldnt find a good way to put this in there, but dirk and roxy totally met on club penguin. they didnt realize that they were sort of related via dave and rose until they were twelve tho
> 
> [my tumblr](http://olivetheowl.tumblr.com/)


	17. An Arrival of the Expected Sort

“I have the oddest sense of déjà vu right now.”

“Dave, if you want me to stay here and participate in the making of ‘sick beats’,” you make finger-quotes, “stick with a vocabulary I can actually translate.”

“No, like. I feel like I’ve been here before but I don’t remember it. Well, not here-here, obviously I’ve been in my own damn room before. But _here._ ” He’s looking at you like he’s expecting you to understand something important from that abysmal excuse for a sentence. You blink at him and raise an eyebrow.

“Dave, what the fuck.”

“No, no no. You’re not getting it. Maybe trolls don’t get déjà vu? I mean, something about this doesn’t feel all that déjà vu-ish, like somethings missing. I dunno.” He’s not looking you anymore, but you’re close enough to sort of see his eyes behind his shades. They make everything behind them a vague almost-greyscale, and in the moment, it almost feels like you’re looking at a troll instead of a hornless, clawless, _soft_ alien.

His eyes are sorta shaped like the tree-nuts that grew near your hive. All pointy on one side. They remind you of how Nepeta’s looked, from the few times you video called her.

Then his eyes flick back to you, and you realize that you haven’t heard a single word that he just said, and that his face is so _very close_ to yours.

You think you might have stopped breathing.

“And I guess it doesn’t really matter? I mean, it’s all just the kind psychobabble that Rose spews on a regular basis.” You nod. You have no idea how his ramble ended up here.

You could kiss him. You could kiss him and it’d be great for a single beautiful supernova of a moment before he pushes you away in disgust because the moment Karkat fucking Vantas catches a break is when the universe decides to spontaneously implode.

“Hey, are you spacing out on me?” Dave waves a hand around. “Seriously, man? I listen to your rants but you tune out my rambles? That’s cold, bro.” You shift your posture slightly.

“Dave, was anything you just said actually worth listening to?” He claps a hand to his chest in mock offense.

“Everything I say is worth listening to. I am the raddest rapper in this household, Karkat, and I cannot _believe_ you would say otherwise.”

“If you start fucking rapping, I swear on my lusus’ grave, I will flip of the handle so fucking fast it will be like I teleported.” You glower at him. He giggles.

“Okay, okay. I’ll hop off your ass. C’mon, we don’t got much time before TZ comes to drag you to the airport to get your computer friend.” He tugs your hands onto the tables. “Be careful, don’t want your claws to scratch these, -Karkat?”

You’re running the pads of your fingers over the discs. They feel so weird, like none of the Alternian technology you’ve ever touched and. Hm.

“Do they always feel so dead?”

“Dude. What.” He deadpans, and oh, yeah, he was always so creeped out by how your husktop has a beating pusher and scuttles around on its own. The discs’ are probably not even _supposed_ to feel even the slightest bit alive. “This is about your biotech, isn’t it. Wow. Y’know, if I never touched one of your bug computers again I would be completely and one-hundred-percent okay with that.”

“No, you gigantic pile of shit, I have nothing against your boxy metal husktops. This just… feels like it should be be alive. Like grubskin.” He looks at you with an expression that reads: _please don’t tell me grubskin means what I think it does or I swear to my human god I will upheave my digestive sac all over you._

“I’m not even going to ask.” He grabs your wrists again, placing them back onto the discs. “So. These are records. We’re not going to start with them today, because you should probably get used to the other functions before we get to the fun stuff. Not that the rest of it ain't fun though.” Dave gestures to the variety of knobs and switches - you think they are switches, at least - in between the records and starts to explain. If you’re going to be honest, you understand maybe a quarter of what he is saying. Hopefully this is easier in practice than it is in theory.

“- and when you plug this into your computer, you can choose which tracks you’re using, and adjust their volume like this.” He slides one of the switches up and down. “The tracks are kinda all over the place, I haven’t had time to organize them since I got this laptop.” He sticks another wire into the husktop, and holds out a pair of headphones. You gingerly tuck them behind your horns and over your ears. Half of your aural shell is sticking out. Dave snorts and flicks one of them lightly.

He slides the switch again and beetle-wing-bass rumbles through your head. "Try one of them. Don’t move it too fast though, it’ll be too loud too fast and your head’ll hurt for the next hour or so.”

You choose a switch and slide it slowly up. Another sound, one you don’t recognize, higher and more rhythmic, joins in. Dave, who just plugged in his earbuds, nods. “Nice,” he says, and fumbles with something on his laptop. Grinning, he points at one of the sliding switches. “Try that one.”

You go to move it, when someone you forgot was coming arrives.

“Crabbycakes!” Terezi swings into the room, grabbing the doorframe and allowing her momentum to carry her. Her cane smacks into the wall.

Dave turns in his seat. “Come to take him off my hands, TZ?” He looks disappointed for a split second before mirroring her grin.

“Yep! As scrumptious as this double-trouble cherry party is, I’m gonna need you to break it up, boys.”

“Every time you pick up vocabulary from those awful human courtblock dramas, the writer in me dies a little more.” Terezi’s grin just widens.

“They’re called _cop shows_ , and I’m sure the wildly successful romance novelist in you can survive for at least fourty more minutes.”

“Alright, you have convinced me. I will come with you, but only because you asked so nicely.”

“Okay, your benevolence, your lawyer's here, you’re free to leave jail, go regale ‘im with your Earth tales, you don’t even gotta post-” Dave starts fucking _rapping_ at you, the piece of shit.

“STOP!” You cut him off. “I’m leaving. This is the last straw, Strider. I told you not to fucking rap, but guess what your dumb ass does?” He half-smiles at you lazily, before opening his mouth to say something undoubtedly awful. And possibly pitch-flip inducing. “No. Fuck you. I’m leaving.” You push your chair back and flip him off.

“See you later, coolkid.” Terezi waves at him and pulls you out of the room by your sweater. “From the looks of it, cherrypop, the flight wasn’t delayed at all, so Mr. Appleberry Blast should be arriving in half an hour.”

The pair of you walk to the bus, and then make your way to the subway station.

The moment you collapse into one of the seats, your palmhusk buzzes to alert you of an incoming message.

caligulasAquarium [CA] began trolling carcinoGeneticist [CG]

CA: kar

CA: youre gonna see sol in a couple days right

Terezi leans over and sniffs at your screen. “Artificial grape. Eridan?” You breathe out a deep sigh.

“Yeah, he keeps messaging me when he gets bored of fondling his fucking shame globes over his exes.”

“Gross.”

“Yep.”

CG: ACTUALLY, WE’RE ON OUR WAY TO PICK HIM UP RIGHT NOW.

CG: BUT YES, I WILL ALSO SEE HIM IN A COUPLE DAYS.

CA: dont get smart wwith me

CA: wwe?

CA: is maryam there

CG: NO, KAN’S NOT WITH ME RIGHT NOW. IT’S TEREZI WHO’S SNIFFING OVER MY SHOULDER.

CA: an thank dualscar for that

CG: HEY. LISTEN UP FUCKASS, BECAUSE I’M GOING TO THOROUGHLY SCHOOLFEED YOU ON SHIT YOU SHOULD HAVE LEARNED WHEN YOU WERE A SCREAMING WIGGLER.

CA: i maintain that i nevver screamed as a wwiggler

CG: KANAYA IS MY MOIRAIL AND WHILE I KNOW YOU DO NOT LIKE HER, YOU DON'T FUCKING TALK LIKE THAT ABOUT HER TO ME. I DO NOT CARE WHAT YOU THINK OF HER. THAT IS YOUR OWN FUCKING BUSINESS, AND AS LONG AS YOU KEEP IT TO YOUR-GODDAMN-SELF I DO NOT GIVE A SHIT. BUT SHE’S MY FUCKING PALEMATE AND YOU NEED TO SIT YOUR ASS DOWN AND HAVE SOME MOTHERFUCKING RESPECT FOR OTHER PEOPLE’S RELATIONSHIPS.

CA: okay okay

CA: wwas it really necessary to yell at me like that though

CG: YES.

CG: NOW WHAT DO YOU FUCKING WANT?

CA: can you talk to him for me

CA: he an fef blocked me after that wwhole debacle an i just wwanna talk to them again

CG: THAT

CG: ERIDAN, YOU STEAMING SHITPILE. OF FUCKING COURSE THEY BLOCKED YOU.

CG: THEY DON’T WANT TO FUCKING TALK TO YOU AFTER THE SHIT YOU PULLED, SO THEY BLOCKED YOU. END OF THE FUCKING STORY.

CA: im just lonely i guess

CA: ivve evven been talkin to vvriska recently

CG: ERIDAN, IF YOU WANT TO ASK ME FOR FRIENDLY ADVICE, THAT’S FINE. BUT STOP IT WITH THE FEELINGS SHIT. I’M NOT INTERESTED, AND YOU ARE VERY AWARE THAT I’M KANAYA’S MOIRAIL.

CA: fine

CA: ivve been trying to go pitch with her again

CG: YOU DO KNOW THAT SHE EXCLUSIVELY FEELS CONCUPISCENT ATTRACTION TOWARDS GIRLS, RIGHT?

CA: wwhat

CA: but she dated me

CA: an she was flush wwith tavvros for a wwhile

CG: AND THEN REALIZED THAT BOTH OF THOSE RELATIONSHIPS WERE HER TRYING TO EMULATE HER ANCESTOR, NOT BECAUSE SHE ACTUALLY HAD ANY FUCKING FEELINGS FOR EITHER OF YOU.

CA: howw the fuck do you knoww this

CG: WHO THE FUCK DO YOU THINK SHE TALKED TO, ONCE TEREZI COULDN’T FIGURE IT OUT?

CG: WELL ACTUALLY, SHE DID, BUT ONLY AFTER SHE AND VRISKA CAME TO ME.

CG: IT WAS WEIRDLY ASHEN, HONESTLY.

CA: they wwere fighting?

CG: NO. THAT’S WHY IT WAS SO FUCKING WEIRD.

CA: i heard that they might be vvacillating

CG: WHAT.

CG: TO WHAT QUADRANT?

CA: dunno

CA: just heard bout it

CA: are you sure she only likes girls

CG: YES. STOP BEING SUCH A FUCKING PRICKASS ABOUT IT.

CA: shit

CG: THERE IT IS. THE PRICKASSISHNESS. I CAN’T SAY I WASN’T EXPECTING IT, BUT HERE I AM, CLEARLY STATING HOW DISGUSTED I AM BY YOUR REPUGNANT DISPLAYS OF ASSHOLERY.

CA: no

CA: no thats not wwhat i meant

CA: just

CA: drones

CG: SHIT

CG: WOW FUCK YOU’VE GOT YOURSELF INTO ONE GRUBFUCKED HELL OF A SITUATION.

CA: im fuckin awware thanks

CG: I HOPE YOUR DEATH IS NOT PARTICULARLY PAINFUL.

CA: kar that so fuckin swweet

CA: i didnt knoww you cared

CG: I DON’T, ASSFUCK.

The subway car starts to slow down. It’s not your stop, but you don’t want to talk to Eridan any longer.

CG: ANY-FUCKING-WAYS, I HAVE TO GO MEET YOUR EX, SO I’M GETTING THE FUCK OUT OF HERE.

CA: talk to sol please

CG: DO THAT YOURSELF

CA: rude

carcinoGeneticist [CG] ceased trolling  caligulasAquarium [CA]

When it does stop at the correct place, you are nearly drowned in humans trying to enter and exit the car. Terezi does not encounter such a problem. She simply smacks their ankles with her cane and yells about being blind, and they move out of her way.

It only takes a few minutes afterward to reach the airport.

When Sollux walks through the gate, he isn’t missing any of his flesh chunks.

He stands out from the crowd of human travelers, distinctly greyscale, most of them giving him a wide berth. Your fingers tighten when you see the wary glances they give him. Terezi sniffs concernedly beside you.

No one tries to stop him.

“Hey, KK.” _Kay-Kay._ Something wells up in your pusher. “TZ.”

“Hey, idiot.” This is your _best friend._ Your oldest friend, second only to Terezi. Looking at him now, it hits you for the first time just how close he came to death.

There’s green and orange bruising all over the left side of his face, and a new scar bisecting his forehead and cutting across his eyebrow horizontally. For a moment, you remember why you vacillated pitch-pale for him.

Terezi and Sollux, ignoring your quick dive into your own pan, are chatting like the last time they saw each other was yesterday, instead of over half a sweep ago.

“So, I can’t take a day off to meet my fellow troll cop?”

“From what you’ve told me about your boss, you really can’t.”

“True! But I can schedule my lunch break to coincide with your landing!”

You have no idea what to say to him.

So you freeze for a second and let your mouth run its awful, shitty course. “Nice to see you’re in one piece, asshole.”

He just grins his awful, lopsided grin at you. “Nice to be in one piece.”

You leave the airport and board the subway again to reach his new hivestem. Terezi gets off halfway to return to her job and leaves you and Sollux in what could probably be called the most awkward silence since your first conversation with Feferi. Fuck, that was weird. The goddamn heiress was in your group chat.

Sollux is the one who breaks it.

“Honestly, I think it’s weirder that you’re being quiet for once than the both of literally being on a fucking alien planet.”

You glare at him. “Well, excuse me for not knowing what to fucking say to my fucking friend, who, I might add, I thought was _going to motherfucking die!_ ”

The fucker just starts laughing at you.

“Fuck you too, asshole! Serves me fucking right for caring about your infuriating ass!”

“No, it’s just been so fucking long since I’ve actually heard you yell at me.”

You slap his shoulder. “You piece of shit. You really haven’t fucking changed, have you?”

“Of course I haven’t, you know me.”

The rest of the ride is spent chattering loudly in Alternian and glaring back at the humans that look at the pair of you with disgust in their eyes.

Sollux’s apartment is about the same size as the one Terezi stayed in, only more furnished than the pictures Terezi had sent when she first moved to Earth. His case scuttles up behind him, and lays down beside a couch. Sollux opens it halfway, then closes it and directs it to the bed in the next room. You don’t follow him, but you see him pull everything out with his psionics and sort it into piles.

When he walks back into the room, you tell him, “this can’t be all your stuff.”

“It’s not. I have a deal with the interspecies technology research team in the area about that.”

“Oh, yeah, that. Kan just finished a series of interviews with the interspecies biology research program in the area, actually. They haven’t sent her any confirmation yet, but she’ll get in.” Sollux smirks at you.

“It’s absolutely disgusting how pale you are for her.”

“Eat my globes, fuckass. I remember the first time we met up and you saw Aradia in person for the first time after you settled in diamonds. Anyways, you got set up with a place to keep your biotech?”

“Yep. Mailed the shit I could let them process. Some of it had to be destroyed, but I knew going in that there would be sacrifices in order to have a successful revolution. Even if I was an asshole ‘bout it.”

“Revolution? Sollux, you absolute dickass. You got your ass culled because you were colluding with Feferi over how to make the changes she’s gonna make when she’s empress stick?”

“No. I was culled because of my mutations, KK. Can’t have the heiress contribute to the slurry with a mutant, right?”

“Yeah, your cavern division was coming up on their fucking ascension dates.”

“Yep. You know the process, medical drones come in a couple perigees beforehand, to assess basic health, cull anyone that doesn’t fit the standards. With psionics it’s a little more intensive, they log all potential helmsmen, and since goldbloods are more likely to have mutations. It was always on the fence with me, actually. Nobody knew for sure if it would happen. But it fucking did.”

“So Vriska, Eridan, and Aradia all passed theirs?”

“They all checked in after, yeah. That’s how they knew I hadn’t.”

“Alright… and shit, Feferi’s is in a few perigees.”

“Yeah. She’ll be fine, Karkat, she’s been planning for this her whole life. She’s ready.”

“I know, I know. But still, it’s the fucking Empress she’s going to face. That’s thousands of sweeps of experience against Feferi’s nine.”

“She’ll make it, KK. She has to.” The pair of you are quiet for a minute, before Sollux grabs a game grub from the respite block and plugs it into his husktop. “Wanna play?”

The pair of you play a painfully nostalgic RPG for far longer than you anticipated. When you check the time again, several hours have passed. 

You sit on the couch as Sollux grabs some nonperishable miniature grubloaves, and a bag of crickets- chirpbugs. It’s nice to know that you’re getting better at English, but when the English word comes to mind before the Alternian one does, it always kinda freaks you out.

Just after you finish your grubloaf, you react to something unexpected.

“Fuck!” Your palmhusk is approximating a snarl, and buzzes angrily in your pocket and you pull it out like it burned you. Unlocking it, you try to find a calmer setting, only for Sollux to snatch it out of your hands, watching as it registers a different pair of hands and immediately locks itself. “Lemme do this, alright? It’ll be quicker. Your password the same as the one on your computer?” He taps the screen in quick succession, his shorter claws clicking on the screen.

You whirl back around to face him. “How the fuck do you know my computer password?”

“You made it when you were five and a half, KK, it wasn’t hard to guess.”

“Fuck you.”

“I’ll take that as a yes.” He plugs it into his husktop and starts typing. A couple minutes of inane conversation later, he takes your palmhusk, inputs its password, and clicks a couple more times. “Yeah, here you go. I could probably get you something better, if you wanted, that’s kinda a piece of shit. You know how many viruses that could pick up on an open network?”

“I know! You know how shit could be on a lowblood stipend.”

"Unfortunately."

Sollux passes your palmhusk back to you as your trollian dings.

carcinoGeneticist [CG] began trolling  turntechGodhead [TG]

CG: my name ii2 karkat vanta2 and ii liike dumb moviie2 and have the world'2 large2t panquadrant cru2h on wiill smiith.

That piece of shit.

TG: uhh

TG: i mean i know that but what

TG: actually i dont get the panquadrant part

TG: and supposedly karkat has told me everything there is to know about quadrants and troll romance

TG: suspicious

TG: is this the bee guy

TG: karkat?

CG: OH MY FUCKING GOD.

TG: ok good youre here and not dead by some sort of creepy stalker that sends your bros weird shit

CG: NO. I AM DEFINITELY FUCKING NOT. ALTHOUGH I MIGHT BE IF I MANAGE TO KILL SOLLUX AND ARADIA COMES TO EARTH TO RAIN HELLFIRE DOWN ON ME.

CG: ALTHOUGH SHE’S NOT A STALKER. SHE’S JUST CREEPY.

TG: you have the weirdest friends bro

CG: YOU HAVEN’T EVEN HEARD THE WORST OF IT, DAVE.

TG: wow

TG: youve told me some weird ass shit man

TG: not exactly sure how it could be worse

TG: actually no

CG: TRUST ME. THEY’RE FUCKING RIDICULOUS.

TG: i really shouldnt doubt the amount of bs the people you know get up to

TG: case in point

TG: terezi

CG: WAS THAT A FUCKING PUN, STRIDER?

TG: fuck

TG: i totally didnt intend that but can i pretend i did because

TG: nice

CG: NO.

TG: aww bro

“Who’s that?” Sollux leans over your shoulder, digging his bony elbows into you.

“Dave. Why the actual grubshitting fuck did you feel the need to message him?” He hums noncommittally.

“He was red and the only blue people you have in your 'slum are VK and EQ.”

“Sound logic there, assbasket. I should have known that your duality fetish wouldn’t have lessened any.”

“Hey, at least I didn’t troll VK.”

“Okay, you make a good point.”

“I’m gonna see if I can dig out some of the patches FF ordered. They’ll probably be a little weak for you, they’re all helmsman grade, but I assume you have your own.” Sollux stands up straight -well, straighter, his posture’s fucking disgusting, and slouches his way to where he spread his shit out.

“Yeah, but they’re all balanced for goldbloods too, they don’t make any that balance right for me. I could probably use olive ones, but Kanaya would be on my ass so fucking fast, I wouldn’t have time to blink.”

“Yeah, yeah, get back to texting your boy.” You flip off his back but don’t respond.

TG: let me pretend im clever

TG: teacher karkat wont stop making fun of me

TG: hes not letting me be smart

TG: hes drawing dicks in my notebook again

CG: DAVE, CAN YOU ASK ROSE IF KANAYA’S WITH HER?

CG: NEITHER OF THEM ARE ONLINE AND I KNOW THEY WERE ON A DATE BUT I HAVEN’T SEEN HER SINCE THIS MORNING AND I JUST WANTED TO CHECK IN WITH HER.

TG: no comment on the dick doodles huh

TG: so you were the one drawing them

TG: and no im not talking to her right now

CG: WHAT? DAVE, SHE’S PRACTICALLY YOUR MOIRAIL.

CG: WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO?

TG: wow thats a lot of faith you have in me bro

CG: …

TG: i didnt do anything

TG: she wouldnt stop playing monster mash on halloween

TG: i mean

TG: its not that bad at first

TG: i kinda even like it a little bit

TG: ironically

TG: i expected her to play it a couple times

TG: but she had a 4 hour playlist of just monster mash karkat

TG: at that point its just a fucking affront to good music

CG: HAVE I EVER FUCKING TOLD YOU WHAT A FUCKING WIGGLER YOU ARE?

TG: yeah a couple times

CG: WELL, HERE I AM, TELLING YOU AGAIN.

CG: YOU’RE A GIANT FUCKING WIGGLER, DAVE.

TG: oh shit

TG: you wound me

TG: karkat

TG: if i die from this

TG: please delete my browser history before rose gets to it

CG: WHY DO I INSIST ON CONSTANTLY EXPOSING MYSELF TO YOUR UTTER STUPIDITY?

TG: because i improve your cool status by at least 50 points

CG: AS IF.

CG: OKAY. HOW THE BLUBBERING FUCK DID WE MANAGE TO GET SO OFF TRACK?

CG: LOOK, DAVE.

TG: im lookin

TG: not seein you

CG: DO YOU KNOW IF KAN’S THERE?

TG: yep

TG: they came back not long after you left actually

TG: i was still mixing and kanaya rap battled me

TG: she wasnt sure if you had left yet or not

CG: YOU LOST, DIDN’T YOU.

TG: ouch

TG: my pride

TG: but yeah

TG: she fuckin destroyed me

TG: why didnt you tell me she was so good

CG: BECAUSE EVERY TIME I HEAR ONE OF YOUR RAPS I FEEL LIKE MY SHAME GLOBES HAVE RETRACTED INTO MY FUCKING ATMOSPHERE ASPIRATORS.

TG: youre just out for my skin today arent you

CG: I AM GOING TO ASSUME THAT IS AN IDIOM AND PRETEND THAT I UNDERSTOOD IT.

TG: alright

TG: its kinda late what time you comin back

CG: I’M NOT SURE? I MIGHT STAY OVERNIGHT.

CG: THERE REALLY WASN'T THAT MUCH TO UNPACK, BUT I DON’T WANT SOLLUX TO HAVE TO BE ALONE HIS FIRST NIGHT HERE.

CG: THE FIRST FEW DAYS HERE SUCKED MASSIVE BULGE, AND HE’S BEEN THROUGH A LOT.

TG: ok dude

TG: just remember to text me when he hands you over to his evil overlord in your sleep

TG: ill totes be your knight in shining armour bro

CG: NO.

CG: I REFUSE. I CAN DEFEND MYSELF JUST FINE, NOOKMUNCH. ALSO FUCK YOU FOR INSINUATING THAT SOLLUX WOULD DO THAT. HIS ONLY EVIL OVERLORD IS THE SHITTY ENERGY DRINKS HE DOWNS LIKE THEY’RE THE EMPIRE’S GET OUT OF HELMING FREE CARD.

TG: aww

TG: id look hella in armour though you cant deny that

CG: I DON’T EVEN KNOW WHAT KIND OF BODILY PROTECTION SYSTEMS YOUR SPECIES CAME UP WITH LOOK LIKE, BUT I’D BET YOU’D LOOK RIDICULOUS IN THEM.

TG: really

TG: cause weve got some real cool shit out there man

TG: actually gimme a minute ill find something

turntechGodhead [TG] sent a [link](https://www.google.ca/search?rlz=1C1CHBF_enCA756CA756&biw=1680&bih=919&tbm=isch&sa=1&ei=nxCFWuaIIs-KjwOV9ZOQBg&q=cool+medieval+armour&oq=cool+medieval+armour&gs_l=psy-ab.3..0.36347.37572.0.38035.5.5.0.0.0.0.68.304.5.5.0....0...1c.1.64.psy-ab..0.5.303...0i13k1.0.5WFKO_k_WJE#imgrc=MpXbUZ677PaaiM:)!

CG: OKAY, I’LL ADMIT THAT THAT DOES LOOK KIND OF COOL.

TG: aw yeah

TG: victory

TG: finally you agree with me on something

CG: YOU KNOW WHAT? I TAKE THAT BACK, ASSMUFFIN.

TG: too late

TG: its been screencapped and lovingly saved in my camera roll

CG: UGHH.

CG: YOU’RE FUCKING AWFUL.

TG: aww thanks bro

TG: dyou wanna see the thing i drew

CG: NO, I ABSOLUTELY FUCKING DO NOT.

turntechGodhead [TG] sent an image!

TG: whoops

CG: DAVE. THAT IS JUST A SERIES OF HUMANS DICKS WITH A TINY ME IN THE CORNER OF THE PAGE.

TG: yep

CG: WHY. FUCKING WHY, DAVE.

TG: cant a dude draw his best bro and couple of dicks

CG: THAT IS NOT A COUPLE OF DICKS DAVE.

CG: ALSO, CONSIDERING THAT I KNOW FAR MORE THAN I EVER FUCKING WANTED TO KNOW ABOUT HUMAN DICKS, AND THAT KNOWLEDGE MAKES ME WANT TO CONSTANTLY VOMIT LAVA LIKE A FUCKING UPRIGHT MOLTEN ROCK SPEWER, THE ANSWER IS OH MY GRUBSHITTING FUCK NO.

TG: deep sigh

TG: so hows it been going with your bug buddy

CG: HE’S ADJUSTING PRETTY WELL, FROM WHAT I CAN SEE. BETTER THAN I WAS ON MY FIRST DAY, ALTHOUGH THAT’S NOT SAYING MUCH.

TG: sounds shitty

TG: what happened

CG: UM.

CG: THAT’S KIND OF PERSONAL?

TG: oh

TG: sorry

TG: you dont have to tell me if you dont wanna dude

CG: NO, IT’S ALRIGHT. I JUST WASN’T EXPECTING IT.

CG: HOW MUCH DO YOU KNOW ABOUT THE HEMOSPECTRUM?

TG: tbh not much

TG: also if you dont wanna talk about it you just gotta say so bro

CG: NO I’M NOT CHANGING THE SUBJECT ASSFACE IT’S FUCKING RELEVANT INFORMATION

TG: oh

TG: ok proceed

TG: actually dont hold on

turntechGodhead [TG] is offline!

CG: DAVE

CG: DON’T JUST LEAVE WITHOUT ANY EXPLANATION DOUCHCANOE

CG: DID TEREZI BURST INTO YOUR ROOM AGAIN

CG: SHE HAS NO FUCKING SENSE OF PERSONAL SPACE.

CG: IT’S FUCKING AWFUL.

CG: DID YOU KNOW THAT SHE KIDNAPPED ME FROM MY LUSUS WHEN I WAS A WIGGLER? DAD NEARLY KILLED HER.

CG: THAT’S HOW WE MET.

CG: UNFORTUNATELY, IT ALSO SET IN MOTION A SERIES OF EVENT THAT LED UP TO ME MEETING VRISKA.

TG: whos vriska

CG: GOD, WHAT I WOULDN’T FUCKING GIVE IN ORDER TO BE ABLE TO ASK THAT QUESTION.

CG: WHAT HAPPENED?

TG: get a load of this

turntechGodhead [TG] sent an image!

CG: IS THAT ROSE’S MINIATURE MEOWBEAST?

TG: miniature what do you mean hes fucking huge

CG: ALTERNIAN MEOWBEASTS COULD EAT YOU IN ONLY ONE BITE, DAVE. ALSO, WHY IS IT IN YOUR ROOM?

TG: rose was trying to give him a bath but he he escaped to my room

TG: he knows that i would never betray him like that

TG: even if he is a huge dickhead

TG: anyways what were you going to say

CG: NEVERMIND IT DOESN’T MATTER

TG: if you say so

CG: DAVE IT’S JUST KINDA SERIOUS AND NOW THE MOOD IS KINDA LIGHTHEARTED AND I DON’T WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT WHEN IT’S LIKE THIS.

TG: can i get you in the mood

CG: UH

TG: oh my god

TG: do you ever look at something you typed and instantly regret it

CG: YES. FREQUENTLY, IN FACT. BUT I DO NOT ACCIDENTALLY PROPOSITION MY FRIENDS AS OFTEN AS YOU DO.

TG: can we just forget i said that

CG: NO. BUT I CAN IGNORE IT.

TG: alright fine good enough

TG: anyways

TG: you should go to sleep soon

TG: ik its not THAT late

TG: but ive seen youre eyebags and i know you need sleep like i need aj

TG: so

TG: go to sleep man

Something swells in your thorax because, shit, he cares.

CG: YEAH, ALRIGHT.

CG: SEE YOU TOMORROW, I GUESS.

TG: yknow i really did not expect you just to go along like that

TG: wow

CG: FUCK YOU

TG: shh karkat only dreams now

CG: UGH.

carcinoGeneticist [CG] ceased trolling  turntechGodhead [TG]

“Sollux!” You yell into the respite block. “I’m gonna crash on your couch, alright?” He shouts an affirmative back, and you dig into your bag, and pull out a sopor patch, carefully peeling off the backing and sticking it onto your neck.

Lying back on the couch, you allow the sopor to pull you into sleep.

When you wake up, Sollux is already up, and is fucking around on his husktop. You join him for a minute, then decide that you honestly hate showering in new places, and that you’re going to return to Dave’s hive. Sollux comes with you, because ‘it’s been so fucking long since I’ve seen you guys’.

The ride there is a lot quieter than the one to Sollux’s hivestem, in part due to the lack of people, but mainly because the pair of you are still half-asleep.

Kanaya opens the door when you arrive, and pulls you into a hug before telling you that you need to have a shower.

You pass Dave in the hall as you walk down it, carrying a towel and clothes from your room. After you shower, you find Terezi and Dave chattering loudly with Sollux, but they quiet down when you approach them.

“What?” You glance between them.

“Nothing, bro. Your friends are just cooler than you, tha’s all.” Dave half-grins.

“It was nice seeing you two, KK, TZ, but the tech team just heard that I arrived and have invited me to get set up, so, I gotta go.” Sollux does a quick sarcastic salute after shoving his palmhusk back into his pocket. “I’ll see you.”

“You fucking better,” you say as you follow him down the foyer, and lock the door behind him.

Sollux messages you thirty minutes after he leaves you at the Lalonde hive.

TA: well, iif anythiing, iit’2 niice two 2ee that you’ve got a new flu2h cru2h.

TA: you and TZ were kiinda a me22.

CG: WHAT.

TA: and he’2 ju2t your type.

CG: FUCK YOU, I DON’T HAVE A TYPE.

TA: really? between me, TZ, and hiim, ii’d 2ay you have a thiing for mouthy 2marta22e2 iin 2hade2.

CG: FUCK OFF, YOU BIFURCATED BASTARD. I DO NOT HARBOR ANY FORM OF QUADRANT FONDNESS FOR DAVE, AND YOU SUGGESTING SO IS MAKING MY GANDERBULBS EXPLODE BY THE SHEER GROSSNESS OF THAT IMPLICATION.

carcinoGeneticist [CG] ceased trolling  twinArmageddons [TA]

TA: eheheh 

twinArmageddons [TA] ceased trolling  carcinoGeneticist [CG]

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> [my tumblr](http://olivetheowl.tumblr.com/)


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